Being Ageosexual

Growing up in SW Ohio did not offer many resources in terms of sex education outside of the basic man = penis, woman = vagina, and intercourse is used to make a baby. Which yes, that is one type of way for people to live their lives and I am fully aware that there are cisgender, heterosexual couples and they are content with their existence. The thing I typically have an issue with is when people assume this is the "normal" style of relationship. Though to be perfectly honest I don't think there should be a "normal" anything.

As I grew into my teen years and learned about my AFAB body, I began to hate it more and more. I never knew there was a word for wanting to be a different gender that the one I was assigned at birth. But my gender adventure is another story and not the one I am currently wanting to tell. In learning about my body and how it worked, I -of course- also eventually learned about sex. I was a very curious child overall and when I couldn't get straight answers from any adults, I went looking for myself. The internet was fairly established by the time I was old enough to be curious and I also was able to get my hands on science books that explained the process in a very analytical way. Which was very good for my autistic brain- though it would be 10+ years until I understood that I why my brain was the way it was.

Very early on I was exploring in a few different ways and with both, boys and girls. The idea of doing things with other humans was odd and I usually could only justify these times when I deeply cared for the other person. Or I would ignore my body and instead focusing on the other person. I never felt the need to be reciprocated.

I started enjoying self pleasure and pornography from a very early age and don't argue at all that the feeling of an orgasm is very euphoric and uplifting overall. I just never wanted someone else to do such a thing to me and I never really found anyone so attractive as to feel the need to touch each other that way.

It wasn't until I was in my mid twenties that I was actually able to learn about my sexuality in a safe space with people who weren't going to judge or make fun of me for saying something that they don't agree with. When I was 18 I had started identifying as a man -again, another story that I will be discussing at a later date- and as such, I had looked at what gender(s) -if any- I was attracted to in the way of potential partners. I went through a lot of them. I finally realized that while I was romantically attracted to any/all genders, I didn't feel the urge to have sex with anyone. Not to say that I hadn't had sex. I just never understood why I didn't feel that urge like others seemed to. I just assumed something was wrong with me. Which obviously there wasn't.

After I understood what being asexual meant, I began using that as an identifier. This was a very monumental and important part of my journey to be my best self. And I am still on said journey because I am always learning new things about me and who I am. At the time of my discovery I was already in a committed relationship and while we were having sex, it wasn't often and my partner is allosexual (experiences sexual attraction). We talked about it a lot, and we still continue to have conversations about it today. There are always new questions or concerns that need addressed and I always try to communicate when my libido changes and it tends to do so often.

I began a deep dive into being asexual and what that meant for different people. Because I still felt odd. I was still feeling horny and the need to masturbate and I still enjoyed erotic content. So why was the idea of being sexually active with someone else so unappealing? I still felt like a freak. But as it turns out, Asexual is an umbrella term. Similar to how under the term Transgender you have both binary trans men and women, as well as the non binary genders and so on. Asexual is the general term but under it you have:

Demisexual; meaning you can only feel sexual attraction to someone after you have a significant emotional bond with them

Graysexual; meaning you feel sexual attraction but to a very minor degree

Cupiosexual; meaning you want a sexual relationship even though you don't experience sexual attraction

Lithiosexual; meaning you experience sexual attraction but you don't want it reciprocated

Ageosexual; meaning you are have a disconnect between yourself and sexual target arousal

The list goes on and on and eventually, I was able to find that I mostly identify with Ageosexual. For a little more depth, the way that I interpret this is that when I feel arousal, I am able to separate that feeling from me. I enjoy overly sexual songs (usually because they have a good beat) and I read and write a lot of erotica (mostly the homosexual kind). I still have sex with my partner, but they also understand that I am usually doping it for them because I love them and wish for their needs to be met when I am able. It's not often but just like with most healthy relationships, we both try to give and take equally.

The main reason I am writing this, other than the fact that writing things like this tends to help me put things into perspective about myself, is because I don't want others out there who feel the way I felt when I was still figuring myself out. Even if I help one other person understand themselves a little bit better, I will have accomplished something important. And after all, isn't wanting to be important to someone or something one of the most human experiences?