Awakening

I lay on the bed in just my underwear. The summer heat is stifling. Sticky. No breeze moves through the open window. The old metal fan oscillates slowly, hitching at every turn, threatening to quit at any time. The air it blows isn’t much cooler than the rest of the room. Perspiration saturates my hair and sweat trickles down between my newly budding breasts, as I sit up. Grandma is calling me down for supper. I shrug on my thin cotton dress and head down the stairs.

“Your Mom sent you a package, it’s on the table,” Grandma says. “Child, I can’t, for the life of me, understand how you can stay cooped up in your room on a hot day like this”, she says. I shrug as I make my way to the table, putting the brown paper box from Mom aside. She doesn’t know why I stay in the house, why I stick to myself these days. She can’t find out. I’ll never be able to come here next summer if anyone finds out. I slowly lay out the table linens. It’s so hot in the kitchen that it’s hard to breathe. “Holler for your Grandpa and tell him supper’s on.” I push open the screen door, hoping that he’ll hear me when I yell. I don’t want to go out to the old barn where he’s working. “Grandpa!” I yell, “suppers done!” I feel a wave of relief when he comes shuffling from the barn. He ruffles my hair as he passes by me on the way to the table. “Well come on, let’s eat,” Grandpa says.

I’ve been coming to my grandparent’s house every summer since I can remember. I love it here. They live on an old dirt road lined with cornfields. There’s not a neighbor for miles. Grandpa used to farm the fields surrounding the house, but he’s too old now. He’s darn near ninety now, with a stooped back and a shuffling gait. Grandma’s a good ten years younger than Grandpa. She’s short and stout, like a tea kettle, and just as hot tempered. Grandma rules the house and Grandpa knows it, so he spends most days tinkering on his old tractors in the barn. I usually spend my days reading in the hayloft, or cuddling the old barn cat. Of course, if Tucker is around, we catch frogs, climb trees and skinny dip in the pond.

Tuck’s been coming here since we were little. He lives across the fields with his mom and she used to bring him to play with me while she visited with Grandma. He helps around the yard now that he’s older. Mows grass, rakes leaves and stuff. Tuck’s a couple years older than me, but we’ve always been real good friends... until this summer, when everything changed.

A few days after I got here, two weeks ago, I met up with Tuck at the pond. It was another sweltering hot day and he was already swimming. I pulled off my sundress and jumped in the water, swimming out where he was. He looked at me strangely, with a crooked grin on his face. I felt really embarrassed, as I noticed him looking at my breasts. I was suddenly aware of my nakedness. My breasts had started growing just before summer. I didn’t even own a bra yet. I ducked down into the water up to my neck, shyly asking him how his summer was going. “It’s going alright,” he said, “I’ve been helping my ma clean out the attic, but we’re done now, so I’ll be coming here everyday to help your Grandpa.” “Oh,” I said awkwardly. I had to get out of here! “I think I hear my Grandma calling me, I’ll see you later,” I said. I crossed my arms across my chest and got out of the water, pulling my dress over my body quickly. Thank God I didn’t take off my underwear! He would have seen the patch of hair growing down there. “Bye,” I said, sprinting back to the farm.

Later that night, as I lay in my bed, I thought about Tuck. How blue his eyes were, in the sun. How his shaggy brown hair hung across his forehead. I realized that his chest was defined and muscular, along with his arms. Suddenly I felt a warmth spread low in my body and I blushed, even though I was alone. I found myself hoping that I would see him tomorrow, but wishing I had packed something other than my thin cotton dresses. The anticipation of the coming day kept sleep at bay, but I finally drifted off to sleep, late into the night.

I woke to the warmth of the sun across my face. I got out of bed, wearing only underwear, and stood looking at myself in the mirror. I noticed the curve of my hips, my pert breasts with the small pink nipples. My deep brown eyes took in my full lips, as I ran my fingers through my soft blond hair. It was as if I was seeing myself for the first time and I felt beautiful, different. It puzzled me. The smell of breakfast wafted up the stairs, breaking the spell. I pulled on my baby blue dress with the sunflowers on it and headed downstairs to eat.

Finally a break from the heat! There’s a cool breeze coming into the hayloft from the barn window. I’m trying to read, but my mind keeps wandering back to yesterday. I must have drifted off to sleep at some point. I feel something lightly brush my mouth. I bolt awake when I realize that it’s Tucker planting a soft kiss on my lips. My eyes open and meet his, as I kiss him back. My heart is racing and I feel the heat low in my groin again. He runs his hand down my bare thigh, moving toward that heat. I grab his hand to move it away….but I am still kissing him deeply…..toying with the idea of letting him go…..there. “Tuck!” we hear my Grandpa yell. “Shit!” says Tuck, as he quickly stands up. “Later babe,” he says, climbing down the ladder.

“Later babe?” I repeat to myself, giggling. I’m flushed with heat over my entire body. I’ve never felt this way before. I kissed a boy!!! Wait till I get back home and tell Sharyl! She’s going to die! She’ll be so jealous! I wait until I’m sure Grandpa’s gone, then I climb down and run into the house. “What’s got into you?” Grandma asks. “Nothing, just in a hurry” I reply, taking the stairs two at a time. I slam my door shut and collapse on my bed, touching my lips and blushing all over again.

We meet like this almost every day. We make out in the hayloft, we sit up in the big oak tree together, and talk for hours, when Tuck’s done working. He sneaks quick kisses as he walks by, when Grandpa’s not looking. I’ve never felt this way before, it’s intoxicating. I want to be with him every second of every day! Today we’re going to the pond to swim. I can’t wait to see his bare body again. We haven’t seen each other’s nakedness since that first day….

At the pond, it’s kind of awkward again. But Tuck pulls me close and softly kisses me, as he removes my dress. I slip off my underwear, as does he. We look at each other and sink into the water, holding each other close. I let him touch my breasts and I’m shocked at the electric shocks it sends through my body. I enjoy it, but I’m not sure. “I don’t think I’m ready,” I murmur softly. “It’s ok, I love you,” he says. “I can wait.” For the rest of the time, we just cuddle and kiss, splash and swim. Tuck walks me to the edge of the yard at dusk and kisses me goodnight. I spend the rest of the evening with my Grandparents, watching TV, but I’m not there, not really. I’m in my head, thinking about him... “He loves me!” My heart aches for him so much that it physically hurts. “Is that possible?” I think to myself.

I’m dreaming of us. We are entangled in each other’s arms. We are fully naked, touching, kissing. I’m on fire. I don’t ever want to stop. Someone’s knocking. Someone’s knocking? The dream drifts away as I’m awakened by the soft knocking on the window. It’s Tuck! I look at the clock, it’s 1:00 am! I quietly open the window, “What are you doing here?!” “Are you crazy?!” I ask him. My heart is beating a mile a minute. The chance of getting caught is scary, yet exciting. “Come on,” he says, reaching out to me. I think for one quick second before grabbing his hand and climbing out the window. We quietly go down the ladder and run across the grass to the barn. “I couldn’t wait one more minute to see you, you’re all I think about!” Tuck whispers in my ear, kissing my neck. “Me too,” I answer, breathlessly.

It’s just like my dream. We’re naked, tangled together, exploring each other in the moonlight coming through the loft window. Tuck rolls on top of me, as we continue to kiss passionately. I feel a sudden sharp pain and realize that we are having sex. This changes everything. It hurts! I no longer feel the warmth, the excitement….all I feel is pain. “I’m sorry,” he says “I thought it was ok.” Tears are rolling down my face. I don’t even know what to say to him. I don’t even know how I feel. He rolls off and we get dressed. We head to the house in silence. He hugs me tight at the bottom of the ladder. “I really am sorry,” he whispers, and lightly kisses my trembling lips. I say nothing as I climb the ladder and go through my window. Our eyes lock, and I quickly look away, closing the curtain.

I make my way quietly to the bathroom. There is blood in my underwear! I sob silently, as I go back to my room and change. The package from my Mom sits on my desk, forgotten, unopened. I open the brown paper box and pull out a small, lace trimmed bra. My very first bra. A hollow laugh escapes my mouth as I lay it back in the box. My room is stifling hot. The air is still and humid. I turn on the ancient fan, pull off my gown and climb into my bed, letting the fan blow across my naked chest. As I drift off to sleep, I think….Everything has changed.