A Thorough Exam

I was addicted, and I hated myself for it.

What started out as just playful curiosity had turned into an uncontrollable urge. At first, I would occasionally amuse myself on PornHub by watching the so-called amateurs go at it. I always wondered, “Who holds the camera?” The obvious slick camera editing, multiple angles, and special effects gives them away. I suspect there where quite a few breaks in the filming to grease up and pump the cock. Tumblr though, "Is more like art," I told myself as I fantasied over the gorgeous girls on full display in various seductive positions.

The past couple of years have been very difficult. I lost nearly everything that mattered. I worked my ass off going through medical school and starting my own medical practice. I sacrificed free time, hobbies, and time with family.

So much time lost.

I sincerely thought I was doing the right thing. "I did for them," I told myself. I wanted to provide a good life for my kids, and for my wife. I also sincerely wanted to help people. Like many physicians, I gave too much of myself away.

I didn't have enough left over for Annie, my wife. All too often, I came home tired, irritable, and impatient. I will admit it. I pushed her away. And she didn't fight me. After enough money accumulated in the bank account, she split. It was an easy decision for her. She just packed up her stuff and the kids and left—just like that. Moved away to her mom's house, knowing full well she could live the rest of her life off the alimony she was going to get.

I have since wondered if this had been her plan all along. After the divorce was finalized, I discovered that she had been unfaithful throughout the entirety of our marriage. She loved sex, but apparently not just with me. Outside of the bedroom, she was never engaged or supportive of my dreams, and she continuously contradicted me with the kids. Made me the bad guy.

Annie and I met in college. When she found out I was going to be a doctor, she pursued me aggressively, and I fall in love too easily. Coming from a very conservative upbringing, she was my first real sexual experience. She hooked me early on. I would sneak into her dorm room at night and make her moan. We had to be very quiet and discrete, as members of the opposite sex were not allowed in each other’s rooms at our private university.

One night I was between her legs moving in and out of her when the resident attendant came knocking on the door. We were both just about to climax. Without waiting, the RA used her key and burst in, flashlight beaming around the room. I quickly slipped under the bed. I just knew we were both about to be caught and suspended. My future wife pretended to be asleep, while I lay there like a nude statue, dick sticking straight up into the dusty box springs above me.

Ten years and three kids later, we were both fighting to keep passion in our marriage. After a very traumatic bitter divorce, I realized that there are some people who just aren't capable of love. It's not in their nature. They will take your heart captive, and then bleed you dry. When you have nothing else to give, they will simply move on to someone else leaving you broken and hollow.

Annie got everything. With the financial backing of her wealthy mother (who never liked me to begin with), her expensive attorney eventually wore me and my guy down. Annie had a very dynamic, outgoing personality. People naturally trusted her. She had everyone convinced, including some of my closest friends, that I was a terrible closet narcissistic husband. She somehow even turned my oldest son against me. My guts were ripped out when Grayson, who was 11 years old and didn't even know what the word meant, said, "Dad you're a narcissist and I don't blame mom for leaving you."

Granted, those times were emotionally taxing, and I did not handle myself the way I should have. I was perfectionistic and short-tempered. I was quick to criticize and slow to express gratitude. I didn’t feel respected or supported. Things at home were in constant chaos and disarray. In all honesty, she was a terrible wife and a very scattered, disorganized mother. And I was a jerk about it. I was not, however, the narcissistic abuser she loved to gossip about.

She did have me second-guessing myself for a while, though. I thought, "Maybe I am a narcissist. Maybe I am crazy!" I was ashamed of some of the things I said and did in desperate attempts to be seen and heard. It seemed nothing I did could convince this woman that I have a valid opinion. She was incredibly adept at stonewalling and playing the victim. I suppose I did lose a little sanity amidst all the conflict and emotional manipulation.

After thousands of dollars spent in psychotherapy, pills, religious retreats, and even hypnosis, it turns out I wasn’t a narcissist. Nor was I insane. I'm just stupidly naïve. I fall in love too easily and give too much of myself to those who cannot give in return. I was truly drained, depressed, and in a deep existential struggle. I had no idea who I was anymore. Pornography became a convenient way, a quick way to feel some passion again—even if wasn't real.

I started to rely on it for escape almost daily. At home, I satisfied the addiction by watching "acceptable porn” on Netflix or HBO. I would workout, get hot and sweaty, turn on Game of Thrones and masturbate myself to sleep.

The problem eventually began to invade my work life. With the infiltration of electronic devices into patient care, computer screens have become as ubiquitous in the exam room as a stethoscope. My tablet is never far from my side. In down times, I frequently found myself uncontrollably flipping back and forth between my work screen and photos of hot nude women.

As a physician, I see naked bodies daily. My growing addiction never affected my medical judgement or the care that I gave patients, but my loneliness and grief over the loss of my marriage were feeding an internal storm. The pressure was building to critical mass, and I could feel ancient instincts percolating within the deepest part of my brain—the part that only cares about survival not moral judgement. I must have been sending off some serious pheromones.

Even when I was married, I noticed Jess. Everyone did. She was taller than the average woman and extremely fit. She was a real blonde with intelligent brown eyes. She was a yoga enthusiast—a workout fiend. She wore modest scrubs that had no chance of containing the magnificence beneath them. It wasn't her fault any more than the sun is at fault for its own brilliance. She had been my nurse for several years, but our relationship was strictly professional.

That is until the day she caught me.

It was a particularly slow day in the clinic. I was sitting in my work nook out of the traffic flow and flipping through photos of women fondling their breasts and rubbing their own clits. I must have been in some sort of daze—not because I was enjoying the content on my computer screen, but because I was bored and sad. I don't know how long she had been looking over my shoulder. I literally jumped when she smirked, "Doing some research, Dr. Blake?" I can't imagine the shades of red my face must have been. I was so embarrassed that I could barely get a word out. I clicked off my browser and croaked, "Did you need something?"

"The hospital is on line 3 for you," she smiled and walked away. The interesting thing was that she didn't demonstrate one speck of disdain.

The next few weeks were awkward. I swore I would never look at porn at work again. I tried to focus on my patients and my job, but in the back of my mind I was wondering, "Who did she tell? Have I become the joke of the office? Have I lost the respect of my coworkers on top of everything else I have already lost?” There was no indication, though, that she had said anything to anyone. Things proceeded as normal as ever.

Except, Jess had started to be friendlier to me, flirtatious even. She was smiling at me more. I would catch her staring in my direction on occasion, and we would often make eye contact from across the room. She seemed to be spending more time at my desk. I wasn't nearly as fit as she was, but I wasn't a fat middle-aged man either. I had more free time, so I was working out quite a bit. I enjoyed boxing and running to take my mind off my problems. The excess weight had come off, my chest had become more muscular, my abs were starting to show, and my ass was tighter. It gave me some confidence.

Jess began to let me into her personal life. She would talk about her ex and what a miserable person he was. She would show me phone pics of her dog in cute outfits. She would also show me some incredibly hot pics of her in various yoga poses. I began to develop quite a curiosity about her body.

The flirting escalated. She would complement me on my looks and tell me I need to come work out with her. When I would hand her a tool or document, she would lightly graze her fingers across mine in a very intentional inviting way. She would occasionally ask me for medical advice about some joint pain or a sore throat. A couple of times we went into one of the exam rooms, so I could do a quick exam and address whatever ailment she had. My heart would beat so fast, as I stood next to her listening to her chest with my stethoscope. My hand was so close to her breast. “What would she do if I slipped my hand under her scrub top to get a better feel, I mean listen!”

Wednesdays were our short days. We closed the office early in order to perform administrative duties and some extra cleaning. This particular Wednesday, though, the manager gave the staff the afternoon off. Everyone left, but me. I was lingering behind getting some charting done, when Jess came up behind me. I didn't realize she was still there.

"Dr. Blake, I haven't been feeling well today. My chest feels tight. Would you mind listening to my heart and lungs really quick?"

"Sure, have you been coughing?" I naively asked as we walked into one of the exam rooms. I was genuinely concerned.

She closed the door.

"No. I just want you to listen to my heart." I felt my own heart start to thump.

She gracefully walked past me and in one motion (much to my surprise), she pulled off her scrub top and climbed up on the exam table. She was more beautiful than I imagined; flawless skin, lean strong arms, and slender shoulders. She was wearing a white lacy supportive bra that cupped her breasts. I could tell that her breasts were full and slightly larger than average. Her nipples were hard and erect underneath. I wanted to see more.

I walked over to her. Put my stethoscope in my ears, and with slightly shaking hands, placed the bell over her heart. Her heart was also pounding with excitement. Her skin was warm. She gasped a little when I moved the stethoscope a little lower onto her left breast. I held it there for a minute. Listening.

With her right hand she reached up and took control of mine. She began to slowly move my stethoscope lower, and with her left hand she pulled her bra down, fully exposing her left breast. Her nipple was plump with desire and she moved my hand and stethoscope back and forth across it.

She turned, took the stethoscope from my ears and said, "I know you’ve had a hard couple of years. You are a good man, and you deserve to feel love. I want to make you feel good." She removed her bra. Her breasts were the most beautiful breasts I had ever seen. They barely took a dip after the bra was removed. Her curves sent waves of desire through my entire body. She had round rosy areolae, and perfectly erect nipples. A master artist could not have created a better pair. I wanted to kiss them, to taste them. Before I had a chance to explore them further, she slipped off the table. She kneeled before me, crotch level, and quickly unbuckled my belt. She licked her lips as she slowly unbuttoned and unzipped my kakis. My cock was hard and enormous. It was the biggest I had ever seen it. I was proud. She started breathing harder as she inspected its bulge beneath my tight underwear. She traced its outline with her fingers. She let out another small gasp as she slowly lowered my underwear and revealed my manhood. It stood up straight, strong, and ready. My internal storm was in full hurricane force now. All logic and judgement completely deluged with the release of this long pent-up desire.

She opened her mouth and swallowed me whole. Fully taking me in, then slowly caressing my shaft with her tongue and lips as she pulled back. I couldn't help but moan as she licked and tasted every centimeter of my cock from the tip of the head to the base of the shaft. Luckily, I had been manscaping. I grabbed her hair and pulled gently as she began to move faster. This was a pleasure unbeknownst to me. Just as I was about to climax, she stopped. She knew exactly what she was doing.

She stood back up in front of me, untied her scrub pants, and dropped them to the floor. She had on a very thin lacy white thong. I could easily see the two bulges of her pussy beneath. She was already wet with desire. She pressed herself up against me. Pinning me against the wall. She was strong. We kissed with the passion of two sex-starved lovers. Our tongues wrestled in each other’s mouths. I explored her neck with my mouth. She smelled of freedom.

I quickly unbuttoned my shirt and kicked off my shoes, as she laid back on the exam table. I took a moment to scan her body again slowly. She was exquisite. Not a single dimple or defect. Her hair fell playfully to the side of her beautiful face. Her breasts maintained their fullness even when she was on her back. Her nipples stood erect and excited. Her waist was slim and firm. Her abs were well defined but feminine. Her hips gave the perfect curving contrast to her waist, and I almost ejaculated just looking at her. I slowly pulled her strappy thong down. Her pubic hair was trimmed into a thin strip.

I leaned down and began to kiss her inner thighs. I felt her skin react as I worked my way towards her pussy. She was dripping wet. I kissed her and gently licked her clit. I was quickly intoxicated from her taste. She gasped and moaned. She grabbed the back of my head and pulled me into her. I began to suck her clit and lick with more vigor as I felt her orgasm building. I inserted my index and middle finger into her wet vagina feeling the warmth and wrinkly contour of her g-spot. She was engorged. Her vaginal muscles contracted down around my fingers as I stroked her from within. She started to arch her back and her moans grew in intensity, and I moved faster and licked her clit harder. She shuddered, and I felt her pulsations as she climaxed beneath my tongue. Fluid gushed around my fingers.

When she regained her composure, she pulled me on top of her. "I want you inside me," she whispered. "I've wanted you inside me for a long time." I was happy to oblige. I climbed up on top of her and slipped my rock-hard cock inside her. She gasped and dug her fingernails into my butt cheeks. Fortunately, the exam table was constructed for very heavy patients. It was sturdy. I started with slow gentle thrusts, but she wanted it hard. She slapped me on the ass like I was her thoroughbred and she wanted me to run. She pulled me in deeper with each thrust. I thrusted faster and harder, she began to emit sounds of pleasure that skyrocketed my excitement. We were in synch, moving together, working together. Working to let go of the past, to heal, to explode into a new future full of hope and pleasure. We both went stiff with full body muscle contractions as we orgasmed together. I ejaculated more forcefully and longer than I had ever done before. Her pussy clinched and rhythmically pulsed around my cock in response. Then we collapsed, covered in cum and sweat, both speechless and breathless. We cuddled and stroked each other's bodies for a good while as we returned from a level of heaven that I previously didn't believe was real.

I wish I could say I changed that day. But I can't. I fall in love too easily. I fell hard for Jess. And she fell for me. That sexcapade was just the first of many. We are still fucking any chance we get today. We can't keep our hands off each other. It’s hard to control ourselves even in public places. Any chance she gets, she slips her hand down my pants, or I will slide my fingers up her dress and we get each other off. She enjoys giving me blow jobs when I drive. I enjoy going down on her in the back of the car. We still sneak away again to an exam room every now and then and enjoy another very thorough exam.