0 To 6 Orgasms With These Toys

Santa was very naughty this year. He got me the most beautiful dildo I've ever seen. It's blue. It's glass. It retains heat so well. It's smooth. It's firm. It has wide and narrow ends. It's gorgeous. I felt a little classier, chic, adventurous and rich, inserting this piece of art into my pussy. I felt like I went from being a cheap whore (with my purple rubbery dildo with alien tentacles) to a Motel 6 whore. I don't know its name or where it came from, and I don't care. I'm going to call him…Venini.

I have a box full of sex toys in my closet, all gifted to me by men. They're the misfits, my "what the hell were you thinking," "that hurts," and "this reminds me of my first boyfriend's dick" pile. One is pink, shaped like a cone, but short and wide. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with it. I tried it on my vagina, butt, and even my neck with no relief of any kind. I'm sure I could get some ideas with some research, but just looking at it makes me mad. It's clunky looking, and I can't even use it as a paperweight because it's an ugly pink.

Another toy I don't use is a massager that cost like $300. I know. It's a lot of money. I wanted to throw it at the guy who gave it to me and shout, "Why don't you balance your chequebook first, you asswipe?" Oh, for those youngsters who don't know what a chequebook is, I wanted to scream, "Why don't you e-transfer to the hydro company first, you fucker?"

The massager came in such fancy packaging that I expected a ten-carat diamond. Every time I look at it, I want to put it on a pedestal and give it a spotlight. It's black with gold trim. It's matte and yet shiny at the same time. It's beautiful, like Neo with sunglasses on. It has maybe ten different functions and power settings. Unfortunately, my clit is too delicate. It's so powerful that I feel numb instead of aroused, even in the lowest setting. It must have a thousand horsepower, which would explain the price. I'm not sure who could tolerate such a beast unless you're trying to launch a rocket with it. Is this what normal humans like? Am I a big wuss? Or haven't I masturbated enough and need to build some callous on my clit?

So, why do I still have them? Because the dough spent on these toys could feed a school. And I'm waiting for a lightbulb to flick on one day that reveals the magic of these toys. And where do you even recycle sex toys?

Anyways, I digress. So, after disappointment after disappointment, I was elated when a simple dildo with no battery turned out to be super helpful. I felt like I had bought a suitcase full of shoes and purses, on sale (!!!), at the mall.

But just when I thought Venini couldn't get any better, it did. Regular Venini is excellent. Warm Venini is fantastic. The hot glass woke up my senses all over. The smooth texture and heat combination were so lovely that I wanted to take him out for dinner. The diameter of the narrower side was also perfect for my pussy, and I came hard with the help of my other partner, Eroscillator, my favourite massager. Venini is also designed perfectly for hitting the G-spot so la de da. Life just went from great to fucking great.

If you have only one orgasm (insert pitying look here), you may not be using the right tools. I thought I was a no-gasm girl until I got acquainted with these tools, and now, I'm a six-gasm girl. In one session. One after the other with no breaks. This could be one of the greatest achievements of my life.

If you are "happy" with one orgasm, as some of my friends claim, I suppose you can go on living your mediocre life. But mark my word. You haven't lived. Please live harder, fuller and naughtier by having more orgasms in your life. Try the Venini and the Eroscillator. Wishing you happy fucking and more…