Yours

My flight arrived a little late and paparazzi were waiting for me at the door. I didn’t even mind, I was just so thrilled to be coming home. I stepped out into the warm bright Los Angeles sunshine and breathed in. It was so good to be back. Eight months sure had felt like a lifetime. My driver was waiting for me on the curb and he opened the door for me to step in and away from the flashing cameras and he put my bags into the trunk.

“How was your flight, Ms. Dubois?” asked Stan as he pulled out of the airport. I placed my purse in the seat next to me, he glanced at me through the rearview mirror.

I smiled and leaned back against the seat, “It was actually alright.” For once I hadn’t felt worried about flying. Just desperate to be back home.

“Good I’m glad. You sure were missed out here. Lots people have been-” his voice faded as I looked out the window and watched as we quickly drove through the city towards Santa Monica. Delphine, my best friend, promised me she would be in from Canada tonight and we would go out and celebrate her coming back to Los Angeles. She would also be moving in with me temporarily. How everything always seemed to come full circle. I remember the early days of living in L.A., how broke we were all the time. Now look at us, we were finally beginning to live the lives we were striving for.

“Ms. Dubois? Did you hear me?” Stan asked bringing me back from my thoughts. I turned my head to face forward, looking at him apologetically.

“No Stan I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked. I was sorry I had tuned him out.

“Well, Mr. Walker asked Mrs. Thorn if you were coming home this week but she told him she wasn’t sure and that she would have you let him know when you were back.” He paused

“...I’m sorry but I told him you were coming home today. He might be waiting for you when you get on home,” Stan said quite apologetically. He flushed, clearly upset with himself. He pulled on the tie he wore, nervous. There was a brief pause as I absorbed this information, trying to keep my emotions off my face.

“Oh… Stan that’s alright. But you know I’m not headed home right now, I’m meeting Delphine at Capo in an hour,” I reminded him. My palms began to sweat, a nervous tick that never seemed to fail to show up.

He cringed, “Shoot, Ms. Dubois I forgot all about it. I’ll call the house and let Mrs.Thorn know.”

Mrs. Thorn had been taking care of my house while I was away shooting the film I had been working on, her kind English accent always greeted me in the morning with coffee in hand and tea at night.

I smiled. “That’s alright Stan, but I’ll call myself.” I pulled out my cell phone and opened up John’s number. I hadn’t spoken to him in nearly six months, I frowned. I switched to Mrs. Thorn’s number, cowardly changing my mind. I told her that she could tell John that I wasn’t coming home anytime soon, that I had already had plans on my arrival home. She sounded dismayed saying that John would be very disappointed to hear so. I told her to apologize for me but that I would be home tomorrow if he wanted to come over then. She said she would pass the message.

I hung up the phone and sat back in the seat again, relaxing. Stan asked me if I would like some music on and he put on Aida’s opera score. I must have fallen asleep because Stan was waking me gently, holding the door open. I looked up at him and sat up.

“Stan I’m sorry I must have fallen asleep,” I said rather groggily. I stretched out my arms, groaning, forehead crinkling.

He chuckled, “That’s okay, don’t want to keep your friend waiting.” He stood to the side and I climbed out. “I’ll take your things on to the house and be back in say three hours to pick the two of you up?”

“Sounds just fine Stan.” I patted his shoulder gently, took my purse, and walked to the front entrance of Capo.

I felt the gentle breeze as the door opened and closed behind me. The dim-lit entrance taking me back to days when I smiled a little easier.

“Ms. Dubois! How wonderful to see you again!” This greeting came from a little further in by the only hostess I’ve ever known to remember my name. Michelle greeted me, she took me by the arm with a warm smile. Her dark eyes lit up as she escorted me. She was always the sweetest hostess here. Still wearing a tall ponytail and fabulous heels, she truly hadn’t changed much at all.

“Hello, Michelle. How is everyone?” I smiled at her with the same warmness, it had been quite some time since I had last seen her. I was glad she was still here.

“Oh just great. We’ve been wondering when you’d be coming back to see us. Your friend is already here at your table. Still drinking the same wine for celebrations?” she asked as she steered us towards the dining room. The place looked the same, like the hostess, not much had changed at all.

“Yes Michelle that’ll be fine, but I’m sure Delphine will probably want something else,” I told her, amused.

“Oh yes, she’s already ordered a couple of drinks.” She sounded sour about this news, I assumed because of the way Delphine had ordered. Michelle’s smile dampened a little, eyes becoming a little hard.

“Don’t mind her, she’s always a little tart,” I soothed, trying not to laugh. I took my arm back, “I’ll be alright from here Michelle thank you so much.” She nodded, smiling.

I walked up to my table, Delphine totally oblivious. She was swirling something sparkling in a glass in her hand, eyes far from where the table was.

“Delphi?”

She turned her head and jumped up, “Stella!” She came over and hugged me, which was a little unlike her. She was wearing a stunning dark blue blazer and matching slacks, white Doc Martins and I could see she had a rare manicure, sleek black polish. It was wonderful to see her using my fashion advice. The color scheme was perfect for her dark complexion.

We both sat at the table across from each other. “How are you Delphi?” I asked as I placed my purse on the hook on the table.

She waved her manicured hand and sat back in her seat rolling her eyes. “Oh alright. Long flight, but I guess you had one too.”

I nodded, getting comfortable in my seat. Kramer came to the table with my bottle of Coche Dury Corton Charlemagne.

“Going for the good stuff, huh Stella?” joked Delphine, flashing bright white teeth. “What is it, like a hundred a bottle?” She leaned in her chair, tapping the gin and tonic on the table she was fond of drinking.

Kramer coughed slightly with an unamused face and poured me a glass, leaving the bottle he left but not before giving Delphine a dismayed look. I struggled to not laugh out loud at this.

“Well not that I want to say but it’s almost two grand for a bottle like this,” I informed Delphine, lifting the glass and swirling it.

She just about spat her cocktail out and stared at me. “Stella two grand for a bottle of wine? That’s how much my rent used to cost!”

“Oh I know it’s a lot and I don’t ever usually spend money like that. But it’s a special occasion and I only come here on special occasions. This is only the second time I’ve bought this wine. Besides I haven’t seen you in over two years Delphi.” I sat back in my chair resting my phone beside me, I smoothed out my skirt.

“Well, you’re looking as retro as ever Stella. And well too. I’m surprised, I thought for sure you’d be a wreck after John got married but then I guess eight months is a long time.” She looked me hard in the face, studying. She leaned forward a little, elbow on the table.

I turned to look out the window, “Yes eight months is a long time.” My heart ached. Echoes of John and I arguing, the look on his face when I left.

“Ah, still burns doesn’t it? I’m sorry Stella.” I looked back over at Delphine, who was looking remorseful. She brought her glass to her lips and finished the rest of the liquid.

I shook my head, trying to clear the dark thoughts, “It’s fine, wasn’t meant to be. I should have known that from the beginning. So what are you working on now?” I asked, desperate to change the conversation. She placed her drink on the table and looked around for Kramer and flipped her locs back a classic Delphi move.

“Well, actually I will be directing my first movie.” She motioned to her drink as she caught Kramer’s eye from across the room and folded her arms across her chest.

“Delphine! That’s amazing! Can I ask what it is?” I sat forward, beaming with happiness. Kramer came back and asked if we were ready to order and I told him to give us just a few more minutes and he obliged.

“It’s one of your favorites. A remake so don’t shoot me,” she looked at me nervously, leaning forward.

I stared at her, nervous now. She knew how I felt about remakes.

“It’s a classic. You introduced me to it when we lived together. An Affair to Remember,” she looked down at the table.

“Oh.” I paused. This was not what I was expecting, Delphi directing a romance? It was her directorial debut though, so I said, “Well Delphi I think if anyone can do it justice I think you can.” She looked back up at me, eyes lit up, flashing her teeth again.

“Really? Because well, I’ve wanted to ask...well I wanted you as the lead since I got the money for it.” She looked down at the table and then back at me. Waiting.

“Oh, I really don’t think that I…” I started but she cut me off.

“Jesus Stella, you’d be perfect...but I do have to tell you. The casting agent asked John as well.” She sat there, appraising me. Watching for my reaction, but I always did have an amazing poker face. Inside I felt like throwing up.

“Well...that would almost seem ironic except for one thing of course,” I said, leaning back in my seat.

“Yes I guess it would... that would be minus the love affair?” she asked, smirking a little.

I blushed, “Yes I suppose it would. If you think I would be a good fit, how can I say no to you.” I leaned in my seat, hands on my lap. What was I agreeing to? I was already beginning to panic inside.

She clapped her hands together a broad smile on her face, “Yes! We work together at last!” I smiled, glad something so small would make her so happy. But to work with John...it wasn’t going to be easy. It wasn’t often though that Delphi could be so happy so it might be worth it.

We ordered light meals since it was already so late and talked about the movie and about old times. Eventually, it was time to head home so I paid the bill and we both headed out where Stan was waiting.

“Did you two have a good dinner?” asked Stan, smiling as he opened the door to the car.

“The best!” Delphi was a little intoxicated and it made Stan almost laugh. I just shook my head. The ride home was silent. I appreciated it though, even if it was something I had a lot of lately. It gave me time to think about my dread of working with John again, although a part of me wanted to because I missed him.

Stan helped me put Delphine to bed even though she insisted she knew where she was going. She obviously couldn’t remember it wasn’t the same house we used to live in.

I headed up to bed myself after thanking Stan and wishing him a good night. I took a shower and dressed for bed and climbed in. I looked over at my nightstand where a picture of John and I used to be. Long gone after hearing about his engagement. I had put it in my office downstairs, a room I saw rarely these days whenever I was home. I leaned back against the pillows. Tomorrow I would turn twenty-eight. How time flies...I honestly couldn’t believe it. It felt like yesterday when I had graduated high school at eighteen. Twenty-two when I had first moved out to L.A. Now my youth was disappearing quicker than the grains of sand in an hourglass. I sighed and reached over and turned out the light and soon fell asleep, tears staining my pillowcase.

I awoke the next morning to the smell of fresh coffee. I stretched and got up to get dressed. I made my way downstairs, dressed in black slacks and a navy blue blouse. My bare feet were cold on the wood floor. I walked into the kitchen and saw Mrs. Thorn amusing Delphine with a story of her childhood back in England.

“Mornin’ Miss Stella.” Mrs. Thorn smiled brightly at me and poured me a cup of coffee. I smiled back and took the cup as she handed it to me and leaned against the counter. I had barely taken a sip when the doorbell rang. “I’ll be right back,” she said as she wandered off to answer the door.

“People at this ridiculous hour,” mumbled Delphi into her mug. She was still in bedclothes, looking quite hungover.

I chuckled, “It’s nine in the morning, it’s not like it’s six.” I heard voices coming down the hall towards us and I felt my stomach tighten. My heart dropped and I stood up quickly.

“Stella, what is-?” Delphi started to ask noticing me but stopped when John came into view with Mrs. Thorn whose face was studying mine unsure of whether she had done the right thing by letting him in so early in the morning.

“Hello, Stella.” He was dressed differently than he used to. His thirty-three years of age showed in the black slacks and dress shirt with polished shoes. His hair was no longer a blue color, it was it's natural black and it was cut shorter than when I had last seen it. Why did he have to look this good?

“Miss Waters why don’t you and I head on back and I can show you where the stable is going to be?” asked Mrs. Thorn to Delphine, bless her heart. Delphine stammered and stood, they hurriedly rushed out.

“Hi John, I had no idea you would be coming so early.” I folded my hands together, trying to maintain eye contact. Those kind dark eyes. My heart was unsure of how to behave at the moment. Breathing was difficult.

“Well you know I’m always up early and I had a feeling you would be too. Time change and all that. Besides, it’s your birthday isn’t it?” he asked, stepping closer. It took everything in me not to step back. I felt my breath catch.

“Yes, it is,” I whispered. He pulled something small from his pocket and reached out his hand to give it to me. I hesitantly took it from him. “You can open it now if you want.”

“I think I’ll open it later,” I told him. He shrugged. He walked over to the breakfast nook window and looked out. My palms were starting to get sweaty, why did my body have to react this way, after all this time I shouldn’t feel like this.

“You know I wanted to call you so many times after we talked all those months ago. But I just couldn’t think of what to say. I’ve missed you. Everyone has missed you, they keep asking me how you are. Amanda too.”

I cringed, picking my coffee back up. He turned back to me, his face so serious.

“How is Amanda?” I asked softly. He smiled, knowing how hard it was for me.

“She’s doing really well…” he paused. I placed my mug down something was on his mind.

“What is it?” I asked. He put his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels.

“She’s talking about starting a family. Says that we’re not getting any younger.” He looked down when he spoke.

“Well, why not. She’s not wrong you know.” I tried to joke. He looked back up at me, sadness in his eyes. His laugh lines were starting to become more prominent. His English ancestry was overpowering his Korean in certain subtle ways.

“Well, I told her I wasn’t sure if I was ready,” he said quietly, the statement very evident in front of me.

“John. You’ve waited long enough I think,” I told him, serious now. He took a hand out of his pocket and rubbed his face with it, in that thinking way. There was a small silence.

“I saw you win your Tony award on tv,” he changed the subject.

“Oh, yeah...it was a surprise.” My gaze fell to the counter, my finger tapping my mug.

“Give me a break Stella, no one was surprised. You were breathtaking…” he stopped then chuckled. “It was a magical performance, even the one you did at the Tony’s.

“Thank you, John. That’s really sweet of you.” I took my mug and walked around to the other side of the counter, needing some distance between us my back to him.

“Stella I’m sorry,” John’s voice cracked. I turned and looked up at him, tears forming in his eyes.

“Oh John, please. It’s fine really. It wasn’t really fair of me to say what I did. I had no right-”

“You were saying how you felt. We always promised we would at least be honest with each other. I honestly had no idea...and for me to rub it in your face the way I did-”

“John.” I placed my mug down and walked around the counter and took his hand. The butterflies doing loops in my stomach. “You were going to get married. You love your wife and nothing I said or didn’t say was going to change that, and I knew that. Don’t ever say you were rubbing it in my face, not when it comes to your wife. I am...was in love with a dream I could never have or be worthy of. So don’t feel sorry or guilty or whatever it is that you’re feeling.” Tears were catching in my throat.

“Stella, I...that’s not fair to you,” he murmured, his eyes closing pain evident on his face.

“John, fair has nothing to do with it. Besides, when has life ever been fair,” I laughed darkly, letting go of his hand.

“Stella-”

“Look John I can accept what happened. Let us just be the friends we’re clearly meant to be and let it go. Besides I’d hate to think of this hanging over our heads when we’ll be working together again,” I gave him a small smile.

“You mean...really?” I saw a smile coming around, his smile always melted me.

I looked down, “Yes my roommate managed to coerce me into it yesterday.”

“Stella that’s great, I can’t remember the last time we worked together. It must have been before you left…” his face fell again.

“Yes, John I think it was. Look I’m also not getting any younger so let’s forget all this foolish sad nonsense. I’m sure you have to work today so don’t let me keep you.”

“It’s your birthday are you going to do anything special?” he asked.

“No John, I’m not. I’m morbidly close to thirty, I’d like to pretend I’m still twenty,” I teased. He gave me a small smile.

I walked him to the front door.

“Stella, I’ve really missed you. I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass,” he said studying my face.

“John, I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry that we’ve both been stubborn. I’m glad you and Amanda are doing well and I think it’s...great that you might start a family.”

He looked on the verge of tears again, “Thanks, Stella. Try and have a good birthday. Can I call you later?”

“Sure.” He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. He smelled like lavender. I closed my eyes ever so briefly, trying to hold myself together. I would always be in love with this man I feared. So much so in fact, I was in very grave danger of ending up alone.

“I’ll see you later. Goodbye Stella.”

“Goodbye John.”

I watched his car back out of my driveway from the window, tears falling from my face. A lost love I never really had.

I remembered the box he’d given me, it was still in my hand. I unwrapped the bow and pulled off the top of the box. Underneath the tissue was the vintage locket I had seen in an antique store when he and I had done our last film together a year ago. He had remembered. I opened the locket and found an inscription. Another tear ran down my face.

Truthfully yours.