Yeah

Stars twinkled behind Shep’s heavy eyelids. He urged himself to keep dreaming as he focused on the dark space gluing together the heavens. He couldn’t remember the last time the night sky looked so dazzling. That, and to be whole again, standing next to his 32-year-old son marveling at the dancing flickers of light and color, was all a treat. The morning could wait. His wheelchair could wait. His illnesses could wait. He wanted to stay right here, and so he would, for just a moment more.

“Was that a shooting star?” exclaimed Zack. “Did you see it? Should we get Ma?”

Shep did see it. He’d counted hundreds of them across the years and seeing one even in a dream felt just as miraculous and hopeful. “Damn,” Shep thought, “I wish I had my telescope.”

“Yeah,” Shep muttered…

But he wanted to say so much more. Yeah, I saw it. Yeah, go grab Mary. “Yeah” – that damn word—was one of the few words he could mutter after his stroke 10 years ago. The realization that he could not speak even in his dreams pissed him off, but hey at least he was on his legs. He’d take that any day.

“I guess I fell asleep sitting up again,” thought the man as he watched the stars fade and the black of the night sky morph from total darkness to a growing glow just beyond his closed eyelids. He could feel his back aching from the weight of his upright, tired body. Shep opened his eyes slowly and reluctantly, knowing full well that it was time to start the day and “Yeah” Mary over to help him to the bathroom. But something wasn’t right.

The first thing that caught his eye was his telescope, dusty and sitting in the corner of the room next to a red suitcase that he recognized belonged to his wife. As his gaze circled the room, he realized that he was not at his home, but was instead in a room that reminded him of those cozy rooms they would stay in on cruise ships during their annual family vacation. The small, cramped size of the room brought him back to the barracks on the Navy ship. He was glad he wasn’t there, but wouldn’t mind being on a cruise.

“Where the hell am I,” Shep thought. These days, days blended and become weeks, even months, for Shep. “There is no way we are on vacation. We haven’t done that since my stroke,” he thought. Maybe he and Mary were going to visit Zack? He couldn’t remember. But one thing was certain. Shep was on a train. The small room was illuminated by a dim overhead light and the moon shimmering outside the window on his left. He could feel the ground underneath his wheelchair slightly rattling to the same tempo as the lipstick and full glass of Jack Daniels sitting on a desk in the corner of the room. Unable to turn his chair on his own, he turned his head as far as he could to see the sliver of a bed behind him. “Mary must be there, sleeping,” he thought.

“YEAH!”

No answer. She always answered. He could faintly hear water running but couldn’t tell if it was coming from one of the two closed doors in the room. “Maybe she is in the shower. Why are we on a train?”

The last time he could remember being on a train was during a visit to New York City. The smells and sounds of that musty train to Brookyln were etched in his mind as if he were still a kid discovering that there was a method between the honks and beats of New York’s maddening streets. This was not a New York train. Though foreign to him, and quite small, the room was clean and inviting. He noticed a bar near the window that looked almost identical to the one he had at home— solid mahogany, adorned with intricate carvings and a whisky decanter proudly centered at the top. “Hell, that could be my bar actually. Why is my telescope here? Where the hell is Mary?”

“YEAH!”

No answer. His lips pursed in frustration, and he flailed his arms with such force that he violently shifted in his chair and rolled forward. “Holy shit, did I just move my right arm?” he thought. He did, and with ease. That hadn’t happened in years. What the hell was going on here? He grasped the wheels and gave them a turn, landing him right in front of the desk. He grabbed the Jack and put it to sleep in one strong gulp. The lipstick on the desk was Mary’s, and as he set the glass back down, he realized that it was his favorite one from home. Shep grabbed hold of the wheels again and turned himself around to look at the other half of the room. A big white bed took up most of the space, and just above the pillows on the wall were framed photos of stars and planets, a mounted, wooden baseball bat, and a 1996 Yankees World Series plaque. As he gave the room another one over, he realized that the handsome bar near the window was his bar, as were all the items on the wall. Without getting any closer, he knew that bat had a Micky Mantle signature on it, that the planets were Mars and Saturn, and the plaque belonged to his son, Zack. He also recognized a picture of Zack and Mary framed by the bed. “Am I dead?” he thought. The creak of a door broke his confusion. It wasn’t Mary, but instead a short, dark-haired, elderly woman carrying a handful of towels and linens standing in the frame of the doorway.

“Don’t worry, you’re not dead,” said the woman as she walked across the room and delivered the towels and sheets to the foot of the bed. “Is the room to your liking Mr. Shepard? Did we get your bar just right?”

“Yeah,” he said, with a hint of awkwardness likely indecipherable by the stranger. Mary would have understood that his slight change of tone meant he was bat-shit confused.

“Good, now wait here and I’ll bring her to you.”

The woman whirled out of the room, closing the door gently. “Like hell,” Shep thought as he muscled the chair across the room to the other door. It was cracked a bit and as Shep opened it in hopes of finding Mary, he quickly realized that the bathroom was pristine and vacant. He caught a glimpse of himself through the mirror above the sink and realized that, while his 69-year-old face looked tired and his black hair was disheveled, he was looking sharp in slacks and a white button up shirt. “We must have paid a fortune for this trip,” thought Shep, as he shut the door and grabbed the handle to the room’s entrance.

The light blinded him as he rolled into the hallway—if you could even call this a hallway. The left side of the cylindrical space was lined with doors just like Shep’s, presumably the rooms of other patrons, but from the ground, curving all the way up the right-side wall to the ceiling was made entirely of glass. Shep could hardly make out the tracks below. They were moving so fast that the wooden slabs blurred together, and before him, the same night sky was filled with streaks of yellow and gold. It was breathtaking, almost as if the train was flying through space on course to another planet. He’d never seen anything like it in his life, and while the urge to go grab his telescope was certainly pulling at his limp legs, he needed answers.

Shep rolled his way across the glass floor toward a large opening at the end of the hallway. As he got closer, he could see a room up ahead and people pacing across the open archway. He counted at least 20 closed doors to his left as he made his way closer to the entrance. As he crossed over into the room, heads turned to look his way as his gaze circled the expanse. The room was made entirely of glass, and as he sat at the entry way, he felt as if he were floating in the night sky. Orb-shaped lamps hung from the glass ceiling like small, stationary stars illuminating the faces of those around him. A dozen men and women were looking at him awkwardly. The young man closest to him took a step forward. Shep could tell by the look of him that he wasn’t older than 30, despite the circular rimmed glasses around his dark, wide eyes which worked to age him. The man began to clap and the rest of the crowd followed suit, with some adding shouts to the ensemble. Shep looked around for Mary but realized that these were all strangers.

“Wahoo!” “There he is!”

“Are these people mocking me?” Shep thought angrily as he unfroze and grabbed hold of the wheels. The applause continued, each clap adding a bit more aggravation to his confusion. He remembered he could move his arms again, and they weren’t just for wheeling and steering a chair, so as he made his way across the room, he met the young man’s look with a swift middle finger.

“Yeah,” he stated loudly as he watched the man’s face turn from elation to confusion. “That felt good,” he thought. The applause died down and he could hear faint mutters as he continued to the other side of the orb room through the archway on the opposite end. He’d have to come back there to take in the view, and hopefully the place would be empty when he did.

Like the first hallway, doors lined one side of the space, this time on the right with the other illuminated by streaks of light gleaming through the dark night sky outside. He could see the moon in the distance. It never looked so big. He could see the craters and cracks of the surface and thought for a split second that maybe that was the destination. “Wouldn’t that be something? Nah, there’s no way,” he quickly determined.

“Mommy, where’s my mommy.”

The faint words of a child lightly echoed. Shep slowed his pace as he approached the open door ahead. Inside was a small, blond-haired boy standing in his pajamas at the center of the room, facing the star-lit window across the room with his back toward the door. Toys littered the floor.

“Yeah?”

The boy turned at the sound of Shep’s word. Tears were streaming down the boy’s face as he held tight to a white blanket. His bright blue eyes and stocky build reminded Shep of his boy Zack when he was maybe 5 or 6 years old. “Glad he looks like Mary,” he thought. Before Shep could mutter another “Yeah” the boy ran toward the stranger in the wheelchair leaving his blanket behind. He grabbed onto Shep’s leg and squeezed tight.

“Where is my mommy!” screamed the boy. His blood shot eyes made the blue shine like Caribbean waters.

“Yeah?” – “I don’t know your mom kid” he thought.

“Help me find my mommy!”

The kid ran to the bedside, grabbed a picture from the side table, and quickly pounced back onto Shep’s legs. The picture was of a smiling woman with the mystery kid in her arms, he too smiling. They were on a roller coaster. He looked a lot like her, golden hair and blue eyes.

“Yeah...” “I need to find out where I am kid. You stay here,” he thought.

“Help me find my mommy!

“Yeah!” – “Let go kid! I’ll find someone, maybe that maid lady,” Shep said wordlessly in his own head.

The child’s grasp become firmer, and his shrieks pierced louder.

“Please, I’m lost!”

The boy’s grasp tightened more as his crying filled the room. His nails dug into Shep’s legs. He’d had enough.

“Alright kid, Alright!” Shep howled.

He spoke. Not in his head. For the first time in 10 years, the words that left his lips matched his thoughts.

“Fuck! Oh, sorry kid. Mary! Come on kid!” Those words matched, too.

He hoisted the small boy on his lap like a feather and rolled them both out of the room into the starry hallway. The doors to his right zoomed by like the streaks of golden light parallel to his left. “What’s your name kid?”

“Michael, Mikey” he sobbed.

“Well—hold on tight Mikey. Mary, where are you!”

Another door was open up ahead and Shep’s excitement grew as he got closer. He was sweating under his white shirt now, and while his arms were starting to ache from all the movement and new-found mobility, he was determined to figure out where he was. He swung a hard right through the open doorway and nearly toppled the chair over as he crossed the threshold. This room was not like the orb room or the hotel-like rooms. The room was dark and unilluminated by any overhead or orb shaped lights. The far side wall was completely made of glass and again Shep had to pull himself away from getting lost in the other-worldly view staring back at him. He looked to his right at the door face and noticed a sign that said, “Observatory 1.” The boy shifted in Shep’s lap and leapt off with a small gasp.

“Hey, where are you going?”

He didn’t notice before, but the large window was lined with telescopes. The kid was running toward them, probably thinking they were a toy to play with. Shep rolled forward, meaning to follow the kid, but stopped when he saw a shape move from the shadows. A woman in an emerald dress emerged from the dark corner, her curly brown hair bouncing as she floated across the floor toward the stranger in the wheelchair.

“Are you Shepard?” the woman asked.

Shep was puzzled. “How do you know my name? Did you meet my wife, Mary?”

“Mary? Oh yes, she’s lovely. So, you are Shepard? I work here. I helped get your room ready. I’m Dolly.”

Finally— someone that could help him understand.

“Dolly—where the hell am I? I woke up here. Am I on some kind of vacation? Somehow I can…”

The woman cut him off. “Please! We’ve been waiting for you to get here for quite some time. When will you start taking requests? I can’t wait to see my Charlie again!”

“What is wrong with these people,” Shep thought.

“Lady, what are you talking about? Who is Charlie? Where is Mary?” he coughed, still getting used to using his words.

It was the kid this time. “Mr. Shepard, look! I can see her! Hands up mommy!”

Shep turned around to the boy peering through the telescope, one eye closed and the other nearly right on the looking glass.

“Kid—what are you talking about?”

Mikey kept his eye glued to the lens. “Hands up mommy— here comes the drop!”

“Shepard, please, if you could turn us around I would be able to see my Charlie.”

Shep was lost for words. “I must be dreaming,” he thought to himself. “Maybe if I punch myself in the face I’ll wake up and be done with all of this.” He drowned out the woman’s barrage and decided he would head back to the orb room. There had to be someone there with answers.

“Shepard!” another familiar voice said from behind him.

Shep turned around to find the elderly, dark-haired woman from before. In place of the towels and sheets was a large book nestled in her arms.

“It looks like you found an observatory. I told you to stay put so I could bring her to you. We went back to your room and it was empty!”

“Is Mary back at the room?” Shep asked, hopefully.

“Mary? No, not yet Shepard. The conductor of this train is anxious to meet you! She will explain everything. I see you got your voice back.”

“Yeah—I mean, yeah. I mean, yes, I did. How though?”

“She’ll explain everything, I promise. Follow me. I’m Ms. Dee by the way.”

Shep wheeled himself out of the room, leaving Dolly and Mikey behind, keeping a few paces between him and Ms. Dee. He followed Ms. Dee out the door and to the left. They were headed back toward the orb room. Shep kept his distance and the women noticed, occasionally glancing back to make sure he was following. He didn’t blame her, given that he didn’t stay put to begin with. He was not met with applause this time as he rolled into the orb room. The orbs and golden streams outside the panoramic windows showered the room in light. There were more people inside the orb room this time—all of which had their eyes fixed on Shep, exchanging whispers with one another as he passed. There were children there this time, and he thought how that would be good for Mikey once he stopped pretending to see his ma through the telescope. Shep found the young man from earlier standing just where he left him. Shep gave him a nod and the man did the same. Maybe he understood that Shep meant the nod as an apology, but probably not. “I’ll need to get used to using my words again,” Shep thought.

The duo continued across the hallway, and Shep gave a quick glance into his passing room in hopes of seeing Mary, but to no avail. A door further down read “Observatory 2” and without opening the door Shep could visualize what he’d find inside. He’d have to look through the telescope in that room, or better yet bring his own, since the moon would be on full display on this side of the train. That would have to wait.

“Where is Mary, Ms. Dee?” Shep asked half heartedly, already knowing her response.

“Just a bit further. She can’t wait to see you.”

After a few more minutes, the two came to a stop in front of a large metal door. Shep had been on many trains in the past and knew where they were. This was the door to a gangway connection and coupling, which would be impassable for someone in a wheelchair. Ms. Dee grabbed the lock lever and heaved with the weight of her body. The door unlatched and swung open. Not only was the gangway connection not enclosed, but the coupling was visible and ran across a large gap between the platforms. Shep rolled forward and looked through the gap—nothing but tracks, darkness, and twinkling lights from what must be houses far below. “Damn we’re high up,” Shep thought as his aggravation began to peak again. Ms. Dee looked at Shep with a smile, seemingly relishing in his aggravation, held the large book tight, and leaped across the gap.

“Yeah… how am I supposed to get there? Aren’t you going to help me?”

Her smile etched even wider. “Shepard, I’m an old lady and you’re a strong guy,” she yelled into the sprinting, night air. “Why don’t you just get out of that chair and hop over?”

It had been years since he took steps on his own. Why were these people mocking him? Was this just some sick joke? Shep sat there for a moment, wondering if he fell through the gap whether he’d simply wake up and go back to his normal life. And if this were real, he’d be sure to enjoy every second of free fall by joining the stars in the night sky. All the answers were right over the gap, though. Mary could be just over there—maybe Zack too. It was worth a try.

The man squared his feet on the ground as he breathed in a gulp of the crisp night air. He leaned his weight forward and grasped the arms of his chair with the strength of a much younger man. His triceps burned as he lifted his body, his hips leaving the chair and his caboose following suit. He could feel his legs, and for a split millisecond he felt his knees scream and give way, but he was floating, still upward. He closed his eyes and kept pushing, and up he went. When his eyes opened, he found himself a head and neck taller than the woman across the gap. He was whole, just like in his dreams, and tears started to run, rolling cold on his shivering cheeks. He took a step forward and cackled out loud. “If only Zack could see this,” he thought to himself with a rare smile that covered his entire face. He shuffled back a step, gave his legs a quick stretch and bend, and leaped across the gap letting his weight propel him forward. He felt time freeze as he watched the blinking lights pass beneath his two feet, surrounded by billions of stars on both sides, and the moon affixed above. He felt the speed of the air around him as his feet met ground. He landed strong and seamlessly, almost as if he had his sailor legs back. Ms. Dee stood aside with admiration as Shep wasted no time unlatching the door and stepping through the iron doorway.

“I’ll leave you to it,” she said. “Take this with you!”

Shep took the large book in one hand and walked into the locomotive car.

Shep froze in place. Over the last however long he’d been awake, he’d started to grow accustomed to fantastic views, but this was something else. Before him, across the large train car and through the massive front windows, he saw infinity. That was the only way he could possibly describe it. Not one galaxy, but multiple galaxies etched the night sky, each one whirling in an array of blues, purples, orange, and gold suns. Shooting stars flew passed the car and disappeared into the night, only to find a train of others following in their dust. It was endless and overwhelming, so much that Shep had to lean on the wall behind him to keep from keeling over in childish wonder.

“It is quite something, isn’t it?” said a voice across the room.

Shep turned his gaze to a faintly familiar face.

“It’s you!” Shep exclaimed.

The golden-haired, blue-eyed woman from Mikey’s picture was staring back at him. “You’re the woman. Mikey’s ma!”

“You met my son! I can’t wait to see him. Is he okay?”

Her surprise startled him a bit. “Yes, he’s fine. He says he saw you in a telescope. I left him with a woman named Dolly. He misses you.”

The young woman stepped closer to Shep. She had tears in her eyes. Her excitement was palpable. She stretched out her hand.

“It’s great to meet you Shepard. My name is Ophelia, and I am the conductor of the Infinity Train."

Shep extended a puzzled look as he grabbed and shook her hand.

“The Infinity Train?” he thought, out loud. “What do you mean? Where is my wife? Where is my son?”

Ophelia paused a second, breathed deep and nodded her head.

“I’m sure you have questions. I could simply tell you to read that large book in your hand. That’s what the previous conductor did when it was my turn to take the conductorship. We’re supposed to have a choice. I didn’t really have one, but I don’t blame him. He was the conductor for 70 years! He couldn’t chance me saying no.”

Shep kept his gaze fixed on the woman. “What on Earth, or wherever we are, is she talking about?”

“Shepard—before this life, my life was far from easy. I came from nothing and did my best to make something of myself. I joined the army and fought in Afghanistan. After 4 years, I became a nurse and married the love of my life. Our first child died early from Krabbe disease. It destroyed us. Two years later, we were blessed with another baby Boy, Mikey. We were in love. Then, at the age of five he was diagnosed with brain cancer. He was given a year. My husband lost it, and he turned to what he needed to cope, and left us. After a year, Mikey was still fighting, and I promised myself that the time he had left would be the best time of his life. On my last day, we were driving home from the amusement park after a great day—he rode his first roller coaster—I’ll never forget his face. I fell asleep behind the wheel, and I died in the accident. I remember the sound of metal on metal, my boy’s scream, and the airbags bursting from the dash. I woke up here just over a year ago, lost and without my Mikey. I left him behind… I left him.”

The woman paused as she wiped a tear from her cheek.

“Like you, I ran around this place screaming for my son. I found an observatory and saw him through the telescope. They’re memories, you see? I saw me and him, clear as day, riding that rollercoaster. His smile was just the same. I looked through another scope and I saw the day he was born. I could hear all the sounds, smell all the smells, taste the blood in my mouth from biting my lip so hard. I could feel every ounce of love bursting from my heart as I felt him in my arms. I was there again.”

Shep thought back to the observatory. “Mikey saw his ma. He wasn’t kidding.”

“Hands up,” Shep muttered.

“Yes! Our hands were up!” she laughed.

“But how about Dolly? She wanted to see Charlie.”

“Well Shepard, that’s where we come in. The conductor powers and steers the Infinity Train. There are countless Infinity Trains—we pass others on our way from here or there. Each train has a conductor. We keep the passengers safe and do all we can to make this journey as wonderful as it can be. Passengers can always look through the telescopes, peer across galaxies and beyond, and relive all their greatest memories as if they are there. The greatest responsibility of the conductor is to transport its passengers to the present.”

“To the present? You mean, to see your people as they are right now, back at home?”

“Exactly. Time and days don’t mean much here. If you want to count you’ll have to do that on your own. These special stops only happen when the big boss says so. You’ll hear the voice, don’t worry. But it’s up to you to choose who joins you in the front car. There are over 100,000 people on this train—yes 100,000! If you kept moving in the opposite direction earlier you would have been wheeling for a long, long time.”

“How do you choose—you know—who gets to visit the present?” asked Shep.

Ophelia gave him a proud look. “You were chosen, Shepard. You will make the right choice.”

“Chosen? Why?”

“I’ll give you the same answer my predecessor gave to me—" she said sarcastically.

Silence.

“I can’t pretend to know why, but the crew here seemed sure it was me. They gave me a standing ovation in the orb room. I will say this though, Shep: I’ve spent the last year thinking about it, and I must say that being the conductor of this train has been the greatest honor and privilege. Maybe I deserved this. Maybe I was born for this. Maybe it was random. All I know is, just like you, my name was on the cover of that book you’re holding when the previous conductor gave it to me. And a year later, when my Michael arrived here, my name switched to Shepard.”

Shep looked down at the book for the first time since he held it in his hand. Etched at the bottom of the book read “The Property of Shepard.”

“So I am dead then. I guess Ms. Dee lied to me.” What he didn’t say out loud was that it also meant his wife and son were very far away.

“Ha,” laughed Ophelia. “She’s so dramatic. You died, but here you are Shepard! Tell me, when you woke up in your room, what did you find?”

“Lots of things. Some were mine. Some were my wife’s. Some were my son’s.”

Ophelia smiled kindly as she took Shep lightly by the shoulders.

“You see, one day they’ll be here with you, just not quite yet.”

He found hope in that as he sighed and looked around the room. He still had so many questions and quite honestly could easily kick back and spend time marveling at the awesome view before him. He died, but he was here. He was chosen for this.

“So, do I really have a choice?”

“We always have a choice Shepard, though I really hope you say yes.”

Shep was many things, but above all, he was a fighter. As he looked to the stars, he could suddenly see everything. His childhood, his teenage years, football, that storm on the aircraft carrier that almost threw him overboard, his Mary, dancing, more vibrant than the moon, the good times, his stoke, Zack the boy, Zack the man, and all things in between—all right before him written in the cosmos. Regardless of his decision, he knew what his first stop through the looking glass would be. “He'd relive that day for the rest of his life ,” he thought. January 16, 1989.

“What do you say, Shepard?”

“New York, New York” began to play as if the train knew it had a new conductor.

“Yeah,” he cackled.