Why Women Live Longer Than Men

Tonight was to be the night of cow tipping. They had discussed it at length. First there would be alcohol consumed in copious quantities. The kind of alcohol would depend on what could be stolen from parents or the local convenience store. One thing was clear, however: alcohol was required. Without it, there would be no cow-tipping.

A vehicle was also a necessity. The vehicle would not be part of the cow-tipping process, but it would be required to get them to the place of cows. They lived in the suburbs and there were no cows to be had there. Instead they would have to venture into the boonies. There they would find cows. Without cows there could be no cow-tipping. This much was clear.

A video would be made, to prove that they had, indeed, tipped at least one cow. This would be uploaded to YouTube. There was much talk of going viral. Strangely, in spite of the many reports of cow tipping, there were no pre-existing videos of a cow being tipped on YouTube. They hoped to remedy this situation and become famous in the process. It didn’t occur to them to ask why there were no videos of cows being tipped on YouTube. This would prove to be a flaw in their plan.

There were 5 of them. Their names were Jack, Ray, Steve-o, Blinky—so named because he blinked a lot—and Porky, who was not overweight but who had memorized all the dialog from the movie “Porky’s” and would recite it at inopportune moments throughout the day.

The day of cow-tipping dawned bright and sunny. The cow-tipping would happen under cover of darkness and because it was summer they would have to wait a long time for night to fall. They were undaunted and continued with their preparations. Alcohol was acquired. Included was an ancient, half-filled bottle of Death’s Head tequila; a bottle of wine with a questionable cork found in a garage; 3 cans of malt liquor that inadvertently found their way into a backpack at the local supermarket; and an unopened bottle of Macallan 20-year-old single malt scotch stolen from Blinky’s father’s liquor cabinet that would cause an epic argument whose impact would echo for generations to come. But that was for later, when the cow-tipping was only a distant memory.

Because there were no existing videos that explained the technique of cow tipping on YouTube they would have to figure out how to tip cows on their own. Much discussion ensued. There were those, Jack chief among them, who felt that all that was required was to approach the cow from the side and push hard, which would result in the cow falling on its side and elicit gales of laughter from the onlookers.

Others maintained that if it were that easy everyone would be doing it and pointed to the lack of cow-tipping videos to support their position. There must be a secret to getting a cow off her feet and onto her side that wasn’t immediately obvious.

They finally settled on a complicated approach that would involve all 5 of them. 2 of them would get on hands and knees next to the cow’s front and back legs while 2 others pushed from the opposite side. The 5th would be videoing the whole thing with his phone. They all agreed that this was likely to be the most successful approach. Of course, none of them had ever seen a cow except when driving by a field full of them at highway speeds. This lack of direct experience with cows was the second flaw in their otherwise brilliantly thought-out plan.

As the sky slowly darkened, the 5 intrepid would-be cow-tippers climbed into an ancient VW Beetle and drove out towards an area where cows were said to be. A lively argument broke out about the advisability of commencing alcohol drinking activities while still in the car driving. Some thought it would be a good idea to get started immediately so that they would be well and truly lubricated and ready for cow-tipping activities upon arrival while others felt that there was too much risk of being pulled over and arrested for driving drunk. In this instance, cooler heads prevailed. There would be no more cool heads that night.

They finally arrived at what they thought would be a suitable site. There were fences. A barn was visible. This was good enough. Drinking commenced. After a period of time had passed they became drunk. They were ready. They got out of the car in search of a suitable cow. A cow that was standing fairly close to the fence to allow for a quick escape following the tipping in case the cow or the cow’s friends became enraged and tried to trample them. There were no cows close to the fence.

Porky volunteered to enter the pasture in search of a cow they could tip. He found a lot of cows. But there was a problem they had not foreseen: Cows don’t sleep standing up. They curl up on the ground to sleep, just like every other self-respecting beast. Porky returned to the others to report his findings.

A vigorous discussion ensued. Should they wake the cow up so that it would be standing? Would an alert cow willingly allow itself to be tipped over by a bunch of drunken teenagers? This seemed unlikely. How then to achieve a tipped cow?

They settled on a plan. It wasn’t much of a plan, but they weren’t deep thinkers and, under the circumstances, was about as good as they were going to get. The plan was this: they would wake up a cow and see what happened next.

What happened was this: they threw rocks at a cow which promptly woke up, ran away as quickly as it could while lowing loudly which awakened the other cows in the pasture, causing them all to get up and run away from the intruders. Within a short time the cows were all awake, unhappy and as far away from the boys as they could get in the fenced-in pasture.

All except one.

“Why isn’t that cow running away?” asked Ray.

“I don’t think that’s a cow,” said Steve-o.

The bull was not happy. The bull was going to make the interlopers pay. He charged them, grunting and snorting as he picked up speed.

“Oh, shit!” said Porky.

The boys ran as fast as their feet would take them. Which wasn’t as fast as the bull, who caught up quickly. Jack ran slower than the others, but he would be the first out of the pasture, because the bull caught Jack squarely in the hindquarters with a tremendously powerful head butt that launched him over the fence flailing his arms and legs and screaming for his life. Whatever gods are in charge of teenage boys doing stupid shit were merciful that night and Jack was allowed to live, albeit with serious damage done to his dignity and an inability to sit on anything hard for several weeks.

Being teenage boys they soon recovered from their bout of foolishness and went on to do even stupider things, once again demonstrating why women live longer than men.