Why Go Big, When You Can Just Stay Home?

With a sickening 'sploosh', Dodge's bare foot again sunk deep into the muddy bank beneath the stagnant, and far too fragrant, waters. Even along this 'shallow path' he followed, the swamp was already nearly hip deep and showed no signs of ending.

Swamp.... It was already an ugly word, Dodge thought, but not nearly ugly enough! They should call this place an "Uck", or a "Glorp". Yes, Dodge was stuck traveling through this damnable Glorp. Surrounded in every direction, and half covered, by nothing but Greens that were too brown, Browns that were far too green, and the most horrendous not-quite-Black he had ever seen.

"Just take the old shortcut through the Swamp, she said...", the muddy and miserable Halfling grumbled to himself. "You'll be here by lunch, she said. Think of all the fun and excitement we will have, she said!", Dodge sarcastically singsonged to himself as he pulled his mud-stuck foot free of the swamp bed with a stomach turning 'Schlorp!'.

The young Halfling's less than chipper disposition at his surroundings was not at all improved when the large bush to his left suddenly opened a massive, disturbingly Dodge-sized, maw and responded with a thunderous, "CROOOOAAAAAAK!”…

*

The bite sized Halfling fell back into the mud with a shriek that, since no one was around to contradict him, he insisted was specifically intended to confuse and intimidate the massive amphibious monster before him. He grabbed what weapons he had at hand and, with precise Halfling aim, flung a handful of swap muck at the giant frog, using the split second that it blinked away the gunk, tongue licking its own eyeball clean in a flash, to dash into the reeds and hide.

It would certainly have worked to fool the tiny brain of the massive mawed toad... If it weren't for the Frogman mounted atop the beast, pointing at Dodge, and croaking to others that Dodge could now hear circling through the reeds surrounding him. "Welp," Dodge thought to himself as he heard the sheer number of creatures in the surrounding area now moving his way, "Flight seems out of the question." Standing, wiping the heaviest bits of pond scum from the hilts of his daggers, and shaking clean his leathers (oh, those poor leathers), our young Halfling took a deep breath in preparation. "Time for old Dodge to do what Dodge does best!”…

*

Yessir, developments definitely looked dismal, for dear old Dodge. Surrounded by massive, and obviously hungry, toads, & frogmen croaking and stabbing towards him with spears and tridents. One vs. twenty.... Thirty? Dodge squared himself up, hands on hilts, and turned to the biggest, baddest frogman he could see. A beast near three times Dodge's height, mounted on a toad larger than Dodge's first cottage. Without pausing to give the frogmen time to react, Dodge whipped out his tried and true secret weapon. Honed through years of battle, and sharpened to a fine edge....

His Smile. "Hail, my friends....", he beamed at his would be captors, flinging his arms wide and throwing out every ounce of that Tanner Charm, "What brings you fine frog folk out on such a gloriously gray day?"...

And that, my children, is the story of how young Dodge Tanner, and his uncanny ability to talk himself out of even more trouble than he talked himself into, brought home Hopping Jim’s Famous, (and seventy seven time All Valley Fair Champion winning!), recipe for Cajun Catch of the Day!

- Excerpt from "Why Go BIG, When You Can Just Stay Home?!", The Autobiography and "Do Not Travel" Memoirs of Derrek 'Dodge' Tanner.