Welcome home, Alien.

Aboard the illustrious scientific space exploration craft, named simply ‘A Flying Saucer’. Its crew members fondly referred to by each other as Aliens, seek to make their way home...

“Okay computer, this is where we take a left, at that planet with the rings around it. Down a little bit, past that other planet with the angry eye. Look out for that red planet then somewhere past that is that bluish planet. That's the one we want.”

“Ping! You have reached your destination.”

“Sounds like we have arrived.”

“Let’s enter the lower atmosphere and prepare for landing”

“Yes, can we get a move on and get down to some fresh air? Someone has dropped a pong bomb?”

Was that you, The Frog Looking Alien?”

“Just because I have a throat like a pair of bagpipes, don’t always mean it’s me farting around here? No, it wasn’t me this time, The Lizard Looking Alien Sir.”

“Why are you blushing, The Geko Looking Alien?”

“PHAaah! From holding my breath, sir. It Stinks in here.”

“Okay, I own up.”

“I thought that it had a woody odour to it, The Roach Looking Alien.”

“Don’t do it out in the open again. Geeze, we all use oxygen too you know?”

“Please, accept my apologies, The Geko looking Alien.”

“The noxious fumes warning light has gone from red back to green now so no permanent damage was made to the craft.”

“Okay listen up. We have after a long arduous journey finally returned home, now make sure everyone, that you have filled in your immigration border slips. Remember if you’re hiding flies in your mouth, The Frog Looking Alien. Then damn well either eat them or declare them.”

“I’m a slow chewer.”

“The Snake Looking Alien is trying to smuggle oil in.”

“No, I’m not, The Geko Looking Alien? Don’t be like that? I thought we were friends? Come over here let me embrace your neck to show how tight we can be.”

“Okay keep a lookout for the first stone circle you see for us to settle our craft down onto.”

“Um, Looks like things might have changed over the time we’ve been away, The Lizard Looking Alien Sir?”

“Explain.”

“Check your screen. Those are not perfectly placed pillars of stone standing tall and strong to take any kind of vessel landing on them? They look more like unsafe heaps of rubble.”

“What do you think might have happened, The Roach Looking Alien?”

“They have let the place go? Look at all the weeds growing all over the place? Haven't even mown the lawn? Seems that they don’t use these as landing pads anymore? They must have evolved to a higher form of transport?”

“Is that one? That thing shaped like a paper dart? That drifted past the window?”

“No? That can’t be what they have upgraded to? Travelling at three times the speed of sound? Move any slower it’ll be going backwards?”

“Pull one in. Maybe we are missing something.”

“As ordered, The Lizard Looking Alien sir... The craft is now on board.”

“Let’s take a look at this thing.”

“There seems to have been a human-ape flying it?”

“Wow, that’s amazing. They were no more than garden pests when we left? Stealing our apples, pissing on our flowers. But nothing a good boot in the ass couldn’t fix. They have been trained to fly? No wonder the craft looks like a primitive toy.”

“When we left to study the black hole in the centre of our galaxy I didn’t expect that those we left behind would become so advanced that they would have trained human apes to do their bidding? Looking at the poor construction of the craft, the human-ape probably built this thing itself? How amazing that would be if it turns out to be true?”

“Unless someone here can speak ape, throw it back when you’ve finished playing with it.”

“There’s a metropolitan area up ahead sir. But scanners show it to be infested with human apes?”

“Where are the reptilian, amphibious and insectoid populations?”

“The insectoids seem to be doing fine although very reduced in physical stature. Much more irritating too I'm thinking."

“Phew. That’s awesome news. I was very concerned about your species, The Roach Looking Alien.”

“Sure you were, The Frog Looking Alien.”

“The other populations must have drastically reduced in number they hardly show up around the populated areas at all? What there is, is also showing a drastic reduction in physical stature.”

“Okay, The Roach Looking Alien, steer us a course towards another district for landing.”

“Sir, there seem to be two or three bloody great pyramids parked on top of where the stone circles used to be.”

“Have we been away for that long? Those pyramids already look used?”

“Or someone was drunk when they built them and forgot where they were up to on the blueprint?”

“I hesitate to consider, The Lizard Looking Alien sir. Our time away although only a matter of many months to us, has turned out to be one big mathematical stuff up?”

“As you all know the faster we travel through space the slower time goes for us but quicker for those we leave back here. We seemed to have reached speeds that have exceeded our expectations?”

"I always knew that you had a heavy foot amongst those feet, The Roach Looking Alien. You drive like a bloody maniac.”

“Why don’t you drive then The Snake Looking Alien?”

“Look at me. Roll your eyes around, have a good look. Do you notice anything missing? Like, you know... hands? A lead foot?”

“Heck, we have been away from here for so long that we have even adopted the names that beings we have met on our journey refer to us as? What is my real name?”

“Let me see if I can remember what it was The Frog Looking Alien. Was it...Rodger?”

“Rodger?”

“Yeah, I heard you say that to someone on the radio once.”

“If I said it to them. Wouldn’t it be possible that it was their name, not mine?”

“Never looked at it that way.”

“Rodger.”

“I think your real name is Ted,”

“Yes. I think you’re right, The Snake Looking Alien.”

“Yes, I think it's something like, Ted Pole? Ted End? Or was it...Waste Ted? Far Ted? Temp Ted? Emp Ted? Something like that?”

"Stop trying to remember, The Geko Looking Alien. You're making me wish I could forget. I remember now, it's Robert."

“Um, can you remember mine, The Snake Looking Alien?”

“No, The Geko Looking Alien. Because you really do look like a Geko, you kinda forget everything else about you.”

“Might be...because... I am...an actual Geko?”

“Listen up everyone. From what information is coming in from scanners and light orbs that we sent out. I can safely say that we are f**ked. We have come back to a world that’s now overrun by human apes. I don't know what has gone wrong since we have been away. We can’t find any substantial settlement belonging to any of the ruling species anywhere? It’s as if a meteor has struck the planet or something?”

“So what are we going to do Sir?”

“We are left with only one choice”

“That’s not a choice when you only have one thing? That’s more like a ‘we have no other option’ moment.”

“Okay, I get your point, The Geko Looking Alien.”

“So what’s the only option we have?”

“To awaken from stasis the only other Alien who could possibly tell us what to do now.”

“You don’t mean..”

“Yes, I mean...”

“Oh, you would have to mean...”

“That’s exactly who I mean.”

“Who do they mean?”

“Dunno who they mean?”

“Sir? Who do you mean?”

“Who do you think I mean?”

“I have no idea who you mean?”

“I mean...The Chicken Looking Alien.”

“Oh, that’s who you mean?”

“Yes, that’s who I mean.”

“Who’s he?”

“Who they mean.”

“I see.”

“Oh great and wise, The Chicken Looking Alien. We need your expert counsel.”

“What did you idiots fark up this time?”

“We seemed to have arrived home a little late?”

“How late?”

“Monkeys can now drive cars?”

“Fark! Fark! Fark! What have you done?”

“So we were kinda hoping you might look into your crystal egg and give us some pointers as to what to do next?”

“Hang on, I’m waiting for it to load.... buffering...still loading...and buffering...Okay, here we go. Have we got wifi around here? I need to hook in.”

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Well, can you find a solution to the problem we seem to be in?”

“Is that what I was doing? Bloody crystal egg takes so long to load up these days I forget why I even turn it on?”

“Searching the web for... something to turn you on.”

“No! You stupid egg. That was not the question.”

“Ask it, if we can reverse our time back so that we can arrive a little earlier?”

“How much earlier?”

“Oh, about a hundred thousand years give or take an hour or two?”

“It only came up with one recommendation for a situation like this.”

“What?”

“Pornhub.”

“What did you ask it?”

“Coming too late? Oh, I see now. Coming... HOME..too late... from...black...hole.”

“What did it say?”

“Go back to the black hole then travel in a direction opposite to original heading, stay there till you reach the central turnpike then kiss your ass goodbye?”

“I think that egg is scrambled?”

“We may have to send someone down to communicate with the human apes.”

“What if they’re dangerous? We know they scratch.”

“Then we’ll look for a suitable representative of the species. Maybe just a single pair docile enough to be still living in the wild. Maybe living in a garden orchard or something?”

“So who will volunteer for the mission?”

“The Snake Looking Alien.”

“Yes, I agree, The Snake Looking Alien.”

“Hey, he wasn't asking you lot for a volunteer? He was asking which of us will volunteer?”

“Oh? But I still nominate you, The Snake Looking Alien.”

“Yes, I agree as well.”

"As long as it's not me, so do I."

“Is it because I am the bravest?”

“Least likely to be missed if anything goes wrong.”

“But I’m telling you now if that human-ape threatens to cause trouble. I’ll jam his damned apple down his throat and let him know that some of us Aliens are angels but others can be downright demons. Then when his head stops spinning... I’ll blame it all on his missus.”

“That sounds crazy enough to work?”

Next s tory

The Smell of Winter

Previous story.

Insect decide.