Walrusses vs Walri

"Broke Stick Billy! Let me stop you right there. There is a reason I nicknamed you that, it's because like a broken stick in hockey you can't play. We let you join the league every year because we need to fill a roster spot. I even drafted you this year and gave you a shot. But now you are a traitor and basically dead to me." Mediocre

“Dad, you traded me! But if you trade me back tonight. You, me, and Brick Wall Bertha can take home the championship tomorrow! A family championship! I promise I have a plan!”

“Broke Stick! I love you but shut the tusk up! I had to trade you for Hoser Harry because yes, he is a loser, but he can at least play the game, although quite poorly. Tomorrow is the most important event of my life. Now, it's time for Friday dinner and a movie night. Your sister Bertha and I will chat about strategy. You are to remain silent. Maybe go hang out with that librarian you like. I don’t care. Your role in this family has been suspended until tomorrow after the final whistle, traitor. It's like the late great coach and town philosopher Scorcho Mars often said “Family leaves you due to all sorts of things death, divorce, avalanche. But winning you take to the grave, that guano is forever.”

Tonight, is the eve of the FPL youth Championship The Fuious Walrusses vs The Irate Walri. The championship is the most important annual event in Snug. Tensions were especially high this year as a decade long debate would finally be settled. The teams two head coaches, Chambo and Howard, were drinking at the tavern, when a fight arose between the frenemies of the “correct” plural form of walrus. The debate lasted hours over many beers and whiskeys were drunk and just as many Glasses and tables thrown. The debate finally ended when Howard screamed his signature line “Shut the Tusk up!” and stormed out. The next day both men changed the names of their teams to reflect the “correct” plural form of walrus. With no way to verify who was right and who was wrong they made a bet when the next time the two saw each other in the championship the winner will have been decided by God to be correct. Of course, they could go into the library and use the resources inside, but the dreaded Mildred lurked inside, so this was not an option.

The youth FPL had a long history of settling spirited town debates and being a voice for God. The league began after two men of the town were arguing about whose son was the best hockey player in the world while watching the kids scrimmage on the ever-frozen pond. The argument started after one of the men complimented the other man’s child on his amazing skating ability. The other man responded with a compliment about how well his child could shoot. The compliments flipped back and forth like slapshots getting more and more vigorous and specific. Each was sure that the other’s son was the top player. Finally, the gauntlet was thrown and there was only one way to decide this both would coach a team with the other’s son as the star player and they would have a game the following week. A bet was made on the game the winning coach would control the town’s jukebox on Friday nights. That day the Frozen Pond League was born. Since then, if there was a debate to be settled it was settled by the FPL youth Championship.

One of these men was Todd's aka Broke Stick Billy’s grandfather and one of these children was now Todd’s mother. (Who cared less about the league and more about her children so she’s not very important.) Todd was not the legacy his grandfather Mars or Father Howard had dreamed. Luckily, his sister Brick Wall Bertha was the best goalie around.

Todd had been playing in the league since he was four years old like every other child in Snug. His team had won the championship once during his rookie year. He didn’t play a single minute that season and is at a minute and seven active playing seconds for his lifetime career. However, Todd has not been discouraged by this lack of playing time, his dream is to win 1 last championship this year. This year is his last year in the youth FPL because he turns 13 this upcoming winter and will then join the teenage FPL which no one gives a ptarmigan about.

When Todd was four and learning to play hockey with the rest of the children his age he struggled to learn to skate. He had since learned and due to perseverance, he was quite good. However, everyone in town was frozen on this early memory of Todd. So, he spent more time on the bench than any other player and has received the opportunity of redemption. He was in the league solely because there was only one rule in the FPL you must have 10 eligible players on your team and if someone was injured, they were not eligible. Due to the lack of rules, there were a lot of injuries. Todd was traded weekly sometimes multiple times a week. This gave Todd a unique perspective on the game. He was able to watch more hockey than anyone in town. He was able to understand the strengths and weaknesses of the teams and players. Todd would have great ideas and strategy, but it was Broke Stick Billy speaking which was treated by the coaches ears the same way the aroma of a skunk carried by the wind to their nostrils; cringe, ignore, and wait for it to end. The only person in town who listened to Billy was Mildred the Town Librarian, but ghosts were more visceral than her to Snuggians.

Howard, Todd and Brick Wall Bertha walked into Town hall for Friday Dinner and a movie. After the conversation with his dad. Todd was furious he decided he was now 100% Walrusses. Todd saw Mildred sitting by herself in the center table, surrounded by tables so full of people, they had their plates on their laps. Todd filled his plate of spaghetti and joined her. It was time to talk strategy.

As everyone finished eating the reigning champ and therefore town mayor Chambo stood up to speak and select the VHS of the week. This was pretty much his only job as mayor. And his role was quite controversial. About 17% of the town loved Chambo’s movie selection and the order he would rotate the tapes. While the others had differing levels of distain for it. Howard led aura of scorn for Chambo’s choices. No matter how much he actually enjoyed the movie. Howard once led a food fight rebellion his principal argument “Winter, was not the appropriate time for Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Chambo had been Mayor the past two years, while Howard had not made the championship in half a decade.

Chambo clinked his glass and begun, “Good Evening everyone. Welcome to the most anticipated Friday Night Movie Night tonight. As we all know. Tomorrow is the FPL championship game. It will be a great game between The Fighting Walrusses and The Not Even a real word Walri. So, in honor of this game. I have chosen the movie D3 The Mighty Ducks. To foreshadow my third year in a row as champion mayor.”

“D3 is the worst of The Mighty Ducks movies. If it werent for that movie he would call them Duckses.” Howard whispered under his breath to Brick Wall.

Mildred rolled the VHS cart over to the VCR and inserted the movie. She sat back down next to Todd.

Who whispered, “Delicious spaghetti tonight mom. It was delightful.”

Everyone enjoyed the movie. While everyone was gripped in a story, they had seen dozens of times. Howard snuck over to his Uncle Chambo and delivered his plan. To both of their amazement Chambo listened and agreed.

The next morning everyone went out to the ever-frozen pond to watch, play, or coach the hockey game the importance of their participation viewed in the reverse order.

The game was fierce. Players skating so grace-ishly. The puck traveling at safely turn your neck speed. It was a sight to behold; if it was the only thing happening that day and the snowman you were going to build could wait 45 minutes. Everyone was watching even Mildred. This game meant everything to this town and the conjugation of walrus. The fate of the word depended on this.

It was the final moments of the game and Chambo looked at Broke Stick Billy and yelled “Broken Tusk.” his Secret code word to enact the secret plan. Fast legs Frank got the puck. And swiftly skated up the Ice. Then did a spin move while Broke Stick Billy made an on-the-fly substitution with Jimbo Slice. Fast Legs passed back to Broke Stick who received the puck he knew that the Brick Wall he was facing had hole. Broke Stick lined up and pulled back for his shot. While Jimbo Slice shook the tiny pine tree behind Brick Wall Bertha’s goal. Snow began to fall around her. She looked up to see where it was coming from. Just then Eggs and a nest came crashing down from the ptarmigan nest Broke Stick Billy had hidden on a branch above the goal the night before. They crashed into Brick Wall Bertha’s mask, and she was left with egg all over her face. Broke Stick Billy’s shot went off and the puck casually slid right past his twin sister into the goal. Milton the referee looked at his watch and decided it was close enough the game was over. 9-1 The Walri won.

Howard’s drought was over. Finally, God had decreed the proper plural term for walrus was walri. And he would be mayor and he will pick the proper VHS tapes from the library’s collection.

After the game the coaches met about Broke Stick Billy’s plan and decided that rules were to be set in place next year. As the anarchy that was an allowed to dictate this league was unacceptable. Chambo issued an apology for listening to Broke Stick he had let his desire to win cloud his judgement. Brick Wall Bertha spent half an hour rinsing her eyes and washing her face.

An hour later was Howard’s Mayor induction. The whole town was there. Chambo begrudgingly called Howard to the stage. He slowly approached shaking hands and waving to the town. He reached the podium on the stage. However, it seemed to him that someone was already holding the microphone.

Mildred cleared her throat and began to speak into the microphone. “According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary the correct plural form of walrus is walruses. With only one S. You both remain illiterate idiots.” Mildred dropped the mike and left the stage. This was Todd and Mildred’s true plan all along. We will see how they like that he thought

The town in utter silence. A wolf howled in the distance. Howard picked up the mike a look of shock etched in his face.

“Well, that was weird. Walri forever!” He proclaimed. About one person less than 17% of the town went wild.