Green Life Source

Dreaded sunlight fills my room, unfortunately I have survived another night. I pry my crusted eyes open as I come to terms that I must live another day hiding my true self. Hiding the fact, I am a monster, alien, mutant. I am not sure what I am or why I am this way. What I am sure of is that I'm different from every other person I have ever met. My spirits lift as my weary eyes see the beautiful green light piercing through my source of life, my medicine, my bottle of gin perched by my window. I clasp the bottle, tilt it up, and finish the remaining shots I leave for breakfast every night.

The taste of the spirit was enough to get me moving but not enough to sustain me. I force myself out of bed saying my mantra “Faster I go, sooner the gin.” I run through my store rotation figuring out which one is acceptable today and take off. I can’t let anyone not even the clerks get too close. They might judge me for the amount of alcohol that I drink. For they don’t know my secret is not how much I drink, but why. Alcohol is no luxury for me, it is necessity.

I pull into the liquor store at 6:00am exactly. The clerk is just unlocking the front door. Excitement is bursting out of me—there are no barriers between me and the green life source that sustains me. She greets me with a “Good morning!” I respond with the biggest of smiles and say the same. She has no idea how much she means to me. The elixir of life she will sell me staves off the mental and physical anguish that constantly plagues me.

I grab the bottle and pay the clerk with added friendly chatter. Then I head to my car with my bomb of euphoria. I sit down and begin to twist the cap. It clicks as I twist reminding me of a lighter being readied to ignite a wick, I bring the tip of the open bottle to my lips and spark the fuse. That travels with the most pleasant burning sensation from my mouth all the way to my stomach. It hits my gut and erupts ecstasy. A tingling of pure life shoots through my entire body reaching each individual finger and toe, it creeps up my spine kissing every single nerve so very pleasantly, and then a warm blanket lays over my brain wrapping my body in pure love.

I have recovered my treasure, time to head home and get ready for work. I take a drink before I shower. While I shower, I think about the reward I can have when I get out. I make a smoothie for breakfast then I wash it down with more gin. Finally, moving on to brush my teeth and spray on cologne. I fill up my water bottle full of gin, take one last pull, and I am out the door.

I pull up to work and put on my human costume of normalcy. Everyone knows me as happy, funny, and nice. Little do they know, I’m a monster, an alien, a mutant. What they see is a façade, fueled by the liquid that is my life. We have an event today. Entering the building, I realize my staff will be here soon. I need to get ready. I greet other managers as I head to my office. There, an awarding drink awaits me for a bit of serenity before the day. My Boss Anna is standing outside my door.

“Scott, we have an emergency, I need you. Follow me to my office.” We rush up to her office. My mind solely on the drink I didn’t get to have.

“We have a lunch meeting with a couple to potentially plan their wedding. I didn’t know about it until this morning. We need to have everything ready for them by noon. Then you can work on your event for tonight.” Anna explains

We spend the morning working getting all the details squared away. The entire time my focus stays on the bottle upstairs. My stomach starts to get upset and I am distracted by fantasies of stealing away for my typical routine. “Scott!” Anna yells to bring me back to reality.

Hours later we pull into the restaurant. Still, there's been no time to stray away to have a drink. My body is beginning to rebel. My stomach is in knots. I am sweating praying it isn’t noticeable. I am not designed to go this long without sustenance. If I could just find a way to have one drink, my life would be back to normal. We exit the car. Immediately I tell Anna, I need to use the restroom. She nods and begins to look for the clients.

Luckily, the bathroom is deserted. Entering the stall my stomach audibly berates me with its displeasure. Punishing me for forcing it to function without my life source. When its assault is over, I head to the sink to freshen up. I am visibly sweating. Luckily, I always wear dark colors, so I can hide the fact my torso is a swamp. I wash my hands fix my hair, dab my brow with paper towels, and stuff a few extra in my pocket so I can discretely wipe off my palms before it is time to shake hands and greet the clients.

Walking out of the bathroom, Anna is standing around a table not far away with a heavy-set bearded man and a woman in a red pant suit. I head over to greet them with my hands in my pockets. Anna introduces me. I wipe the sweat from my palms and shake both of their hands. The woman glancing at her hand after the shake. We sit down. I pick up the menu, but my hands are shaking so furiously I can’ make out the words. I lay it back on the table and see what I can force down, knowing that food is not what I need. I wait a bit of time and sneak to the bathroom. Luckily, the bar is out of sight. I can grab a couple shots before I head back to the table. Instant relief. I will be able to eat and make conversation and solidify this deal. Alcohol you are too wonderful the solution to all.

Leaving a successful lunch, we sign the contract. Thanks to my quick-thinking detour, of course. We were hosting their wedding. Anna asked me if everything was alright. I said yes, I just always get nervous the day of events. She nods as if this was an adequate response. Driving back to the office. It was more quiet than normal. Anna and I get along very well but I could not focus on anything. My body and mind still focused on one thing. A couple of shots could only appease me for so long.

We arrive back a couple of minutes before my meeting. There was no time to retreat to my office—my staff was waiting for instructions. I quickly laid out what I wanted everyone to do. As thoughts of gin raced through my mind. I finished my talk and ended with, “Ready Break!”

I awake on the ground. The view of the high ceilings interrupted by each of my staff’s faces peering down on me. What just happened? Why am I on the floor? I must save face and buy some time to figure out what happened.

“What are you all standing around for, I ask, I just assigned the tasks.” My attempt to return the chaos to order.

“Scott, uhh you just had a seizure.” Kenna my assistant manager gently said to me.

“No, I didn’t” I confidently respond.

My staff stares back in utter bewilderment. Confused at how I could argue something so concrete, but also not all that surprised. A seizure? I thought. That doesn’t make sense. I feel something warm oozing from the back of my head. I reach my hand back behind my head when it returns it’s covered in blood.

“Alright, I may have had a seizure.” I politely concede.

Anna appears and tells me to remain calm and that the ambulance there is on the way. That was upsetting as I doubt I would get what I needed, a drink.

“No, we have an event I don’t have time for the hospital,” I argue. If I leave in an ambulance, I will never get the medicine I need.

“Scott, you need to take care of yourself. We will handle everything here.”

As I start to object, darkness invades my consciousness again.

Opening my eyes, I hear a beeping and see an IV coming out of my arm. A nurse looks at me with concern in his eyes. “Good you are awake. I’ll tell the doctor.”

The doctor comes in. “Hi, Scott. Glad you are with us. Remain calm, it's under control, but you had a few seizures today. Your body will be sore. Scott, I need to ask you how many drinks do you have daily?“

I reply. “One to two drinks a day leaving out the fact that for me a drink is an entire bottle of gin. Her face led me to believe that she did not believe me.

“Well, we did some blood work while you were out, your BAC was .47 almost six times the legal limit. We think your seizures were caused by alcohol withdrawals.”

There it was—proof I needed to drink. “Withdrawals can cause seizures?” I asked.

“It can and, in cases like yours, even death.”

Death is what I dreamed of. This was the solution.

The following day two men enter my room and ask if we could talk. I shrug and nod as I had nothing else going on. They sit and begin telling me about their past lives. About how alcohol used to be their master and how it was the only thing they cared about. This eventually led them to a point of hopelessness they perceived to be eternal. How they alienated themselves because they perceived themselves to be different from all the people they knew.

I felt as if they had somehow been watching my life like Big Brother and were passing off my life as their own. The connection I was sharing with these men is like none I have ever experienced. I tell them things I have never told anyone before. How I thought I was a monster, mutant, alien.

They laugh and tell me how they can relate. Alcohol was their solution to all their problems, but they discovered a new perspective on life. They invite me to a meeting for people like us. It happens every day at 6:30 am. If I go, they will introduce me to more people like us. They hug me and leave. The despair that forever haunts me, and the obsession to drink, left while they were here. Now that I am alone, despair and obsession make their way home. Then a new thought crosses my mind, why do I fight so hard just to remain miserable? Maybe it’s time I try something new.

Days later, I am discharged from the hospital first thing in the morning. This was the longest I had been without a drink since I discovered alcohol at 12. Finally, I can fulfill my obsession—the liquor store is my next stop. My parents had dropped off my car during my hospital stay, so I head to the parking lot. I hit the stop light at the end of the street. Looking left, I can see the green neon glow of the closest liquor store singing its siren’s song. To the right is the meeting. As I sat in thought, I saw the tranquil sunlight reflect off the ocean. The light turned green, and I drove toward my future.