Views From The Barn Yard

Days like this I just cannot believe how fortunate I am to be alive. Maybe I am not so mentally well but I am here and am here for a long time. The first sight of my morning is a beautiful sunrise. I could sit here all day and just witness the beauty of the world. My intelligence roams the streets freely with a safe home to return back to. The appreciation I have for my views from the barn yard get amplified the more I sit back and take in the concepts of my life, my situation, and my concrete flexibility with going back and forth with loving and hating myself. I no longer want to hate myself... I mean look at how beautiful the world around me truly is. Its both fascinating and troubling. Fascinating in ways where we could be mesmerized by the simplest of things such as the touch of a feather or by the feelings you recieve from participation in gathering of ones to take a stand in prompting peace for humanity.

I have no friends well otherwise besides the cattle and the air I breathe. It’s worrying to my family that I am this lonely yet they never reach out to consist of something different. I’ll sit in the barn with a pink glitter pen and my journal and just go off on paper all of my loneliness, troubles, and fears. It’s a system of healing or maybe even coping but it’s getting me through the day as it always does and all I can say is it’s nice to be grateful of simple things and it’s helpful to adjust the negativity and work towards stepping out of it.

The air I breathe in here is clean yet I sometimes find myself to choke on it by not understanding why I’m this impaired to my one own feelings. I’m stuck in a silent situation of not being able to admit or grasp the concepts of why there is a life outside of this barn yet I still decide to sit here every single day and soak up in my loneliness rather than running wild and free with my intelligence and cascading my appreciation for the world in truthful and genuine ways.

I try my best to practice a good way of fulfilling my days but I find that there is this defensive armour in me towards my family for them and their shunning of my attitude, my behaviours, and my characteristics that then blend in with a nonsenseful way of me prompting the way out I see for myself. I clue together that the barn is my only safe place and the views from seeing the sky, the clouds, the sunlight, and even the moonlight when it is time as I am here to be a watcher of the beautiful things at all hours in the day.

I witness the cattle do their thing and I have no judgment or overlooks to them besides when they sound in distress and it rattles my bones that I can’t do more for them. The heat alone troubles my heart that although I feel cozy and safe in the barn or “my setting for hiding away from reality” is good for me the extreme or any type of over heat for the cattle is all so different. It makes me sad that they don’t have the opportunity like me to have a free will type of life. Where these animals don’t have any choice but to exist in a timeframe of unfairness and it’s exhausting once I consider how lucky I am to not be any of the cattle.

The views that I am blessed to observe and am opportuned to also appreciate it with does help to sky-rocket my ways of safety and amplify my precision of having a choice towards what is good enough for me when all things in my personal life seem to have been falling a part. My decision to staying in the barn for most of my days through never change as my feelings of being safe don’t ever go away. I like that. The never going away thing. It’s almost as if though I can hide in here and not be disturbed and it’s peaceful and also a bit scary but only because I doubt if I’ll ever find a life outside of here that is as precious and soul keeping of an area as this one.

I don’t actually live in the barn but it’s my sweet escape place that helps me understand concepts of life that I can then go and proceed to exclaim to others once of course I’m completely out of my insecurities and feel confident enough to portray the side of me that wants to be an example to the world and our peoples here. Sometimes I find myself journalling overly dramatic topics but it’s things I need to release from my insides and doing it all on paper picks me up for allowing my time to be used wisely.

I’ll never get tired of being here. As being here is my only resource to coping in a private space. A private space that uses my will to get better into something that will certainly bring me to a more positive understanding and a more handy way of gesturing everything I’m in need of. I’m just in need of something more than what I’ve been experiencing and no doubt about it that I survived the toughest of tough happenings by claiming my safe space in the barn as my only outlet of having something as my own. It may be lonely but it’s ever so worth it.