Unstable Rewards

Men are users.

Every man I’ve ever dated has used me to get me into bed, then they never call again. I’m always happy until it’s over. They always made me feel like a fool for trusting them.

I’ve been phone and Facebook blocked, insulted and had restraining orders thrown at me, all after the first time I let them ‘take me home.’ All I did after was call them once to see about another date.

And believe me when I say I’m not easy. I always wait until the third date to do anything. Is it to much to ask for a guy to call the next day?

I had another date with someone I met online, a man named Kalevala. This time I wouldn’t sleep with him for ten dates. If he can’t wait, then I don’t need his woman hate.

We were meeting at Mensch’s Munchies, a deli. I wasn’t Jewish, but I loved their food. There’s nothing better then a lox bagel for breakfast and a vegan pastrami on rye for dinner. This deli had the best vegan pastrami. It was probably the only deli with vegan pastrami.

I parked and walked into the Deli. I recognized Kalevala from his profile picture. He was dressed like a wizard. I found it odd. But as long as he was a nice guy, I didn’t care.

I waved at him. He walked over and smiled.

“Nice to finally meet you in person Kalevala,” I said.

“Nice to finally meet the amazing Mesmerelda,” Kalevala politely replied.

We smiled at each other and walked up to the deli counter.

“How can I help you?” The cashier asked, his clothing covered in food.

“I’ll take a vegan pastrami ,” I said.

“I’ll take a soup,” Kalevala said.

“What kind of soup? We got like, fifty soups here, buddy,” The cashier said.

“Just… soup,” Kalevala said.

“Ok, one matzah ball soup coming up,” the cashier said, made a face and rung up the order.

“That will be thirty two fifty four, who’s paying?” The cashier asked and Kalevala took out his wallet.

“Why, thank you,” I said. He only left a nickel in the tip jar. Hopefully, this wasn’t a sign of things to come.

We waited, picked up our order and sat down.

Kalevala sipped his soup.

“This is good Mafgaa Bull soup,” Kalevala said.

“Matzah ball, and I’m glad you like it,” I said and smiled.

We each took a few bites of food.

“So, tell me about yourself,” I said.

“Well, I’m eight hundred and forty three, an immortal wizard, and a part time chemist. What about you?” Kalevala said and smiled.

“Are you really a chemist?” I asked, as if that was the unbelievable part, and chuckled.

“I sure am. What do you do, my dear?” He asked and took another sip of his soup.

I’m nine hundred and forty, an immortal witch, and a hairstylist,” I said and laughed.

“I find it hard to believe you’re a hair stylist. But if you really are, maybe you could fix this mess,” Kalevala said, chuckled, took off his weird hat and pointed to his messy hair.

“I’ll see what I can do,” I said and laughed. We chatted, laughed some more, finished our meals, and the doors rung as we left the deli.

“Want to come back to my place for a night cap,” Kalevala asked.

“Maybe, but I don’t sleep around on the first date if that’s what you’re expecting,” I said.

“Far from it. I was thinking a scotch and movie,” Kalevala said.

“Sure,” I said and shrugged. I had pepper spray and a stun gun in my purse if he tried any funny business. I got in my car and followed him to his place. We parked and went upstairs.

Kalevala turned on the TV and chose a streaming service.

“What movie?” Kalevala asked.

“Anything action,” I replied.

“I’m so glad you didn’t say romantic comedy. I hate those,” Kalevala said and smiled

He scrolled through the movie and started to play Karate Ninjas four.

“Don’t I need to see the first three?” I asked.

“Nah, this one’s the best. The story lines are all the same, the bad ninjas attack the village and the good ninjas go after them to stop them. This one has the most karate. I’ll grab some scotch,” Kalevala said and got up to pour us some drinks.

The movie continued playing and I continued to take sips. I kept drinking while I was watching the movie until I felt funny.

“Did you put something in my drink?” I asked.

“It’s not what you think,” Kalevala said.

“Then what the hell is it? I trusted you, and you drugged me? How dare you,” I screeched.

“Drugs, no. Far from it. I told you I was a wizard. I wasn’t lying. I put a special potion in your drink. I think you’re sweet and special, like my pet snakes. I collect snakes, by the way. Soon you’ll be my pet snake, too,” Kalevala said, before looking funny himself.

“Did you also put something in my drink? Maybe while I was in the bathroom? I feel funny, too,” Kalevala said.

“I wasn’t lying about being a witch, either. I’m sick of men using me for sex, so I put a love potion in your drink so you’d forever be in love with me,” I said.

“But I already was. That’s why I turned you into a snake,” Kalevala said.

My body started writhing and my skin turned scaly. I fully transformed into a cobra.

“Is that the kind of snake you like, cobras?” I asked.

“I like the way they dance when I play my flute, my love. We should get married, I’m madly in love with you and your slither. I’ll play the flute for you all day,” he said.

“That’s probably the love potion talking. But yes, we shall be married. I can’t wait, my dear Kalevala,” I said as I slowly slithered up his leg and into his pants. Now that I knew he loved me, it was time to take him to bed. And if he breaks up with me in the morning, I’d use my brand new set of fangs to poison him.