Unexpected Roommate

My wife and I decided to go on a second honeymoon for our fifteen year anniversary. My darling wife chose Brazil because she wanted to see the rainforest. We booked a resort on the edge of the river and signed up to take many different tours of the different levels of the forest. Sounds like the perfect vacation right? That’s what we thought too.

The plane ride there was so peaceful, no kids to bug us or scream how they hated us. No responsibilities and nothing but fun to come. Once we got off the plane in Brazil things started to seem a bit odd. There were some clouds in the sky and the natives were nowhere to be seen on the beach. We shrugged it off to just one day of bad weather and we could play in the sand and sun another day.

So once we got to our resort we relaxed inside with one another. My wife went to go get into our Jacuzzi tub when I heard her scream, “Oh my God, Bert it’s a snake!” I ran to go check on what she was talking about when I saw a baby anaconda coiled up in our bathtub. That snake must have been at least five feet or more. My wife and I shut the door to the bathroom and secured it with a chair to insure that the snake would not get out. After discovering the large we called the front desk wanting answers. “I want this snake out of my room! I can’t even take a leak. What if there is another one in the toilet. The one in the tub could swallow me in one bite!” I tell the man up front.

He replies, “Sir that is impossible there are no snakes in this hotel, I assure you.”

“Listen buddy I saw the damn thing myself there’s a damn snake in my bathtub,” I reply to him.

“Sir if you insist that there is a snake in your room, then I suggest you use the phone book and call somebody,” he told me

“Fine I will,” I told him then I hung up.

I grabbed the yellow pages and looked up snake specialist, inside I found Carlos, the Snake Expert. Perfect I thought. And I dialed his number.

“Carlos, the Snake Expert, this is Carlos how can I help you?”

“Um yes I have a snake in my hotel bathroom. We are at the Brazilian Beach Resort, can you help me?” I ask him.

“What kind of snake is it?” he asks me.

“Anaconda I’m sure of it, and it's black,” I tell him.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” he replied

Next thing I know there is a man at my door, he looks like a cross between Steve Irwin and Cheech. As he walked through the door I could smell him. Ugh he reeked of alcohol and weed. He shakes my hand and winks at my wife. Then me tells us that we should stand back to stay out of the danger zone. He needs to assess the situation. My wife listened but I thought this guy was full of it. He opens up the door and looks into the room and sees the snake has now coiled himself around the toilet and is in an attack position and staring straight at this wacko. I can tell he’s about to strike and then we are all doomed. That is until the Carlos whips out a huge machete. The snake hisses and attempts to strike him, but he swings the blade and cuts the snake; Great now we have a whack job and a pissed of snake. Then when the snake makes another strike, Carlos swings the blade again and cuts the snake’s head off with one swift blow. I’m in shock and my wife has fainted, this man just saved us from being this snake’s dinner and he didn’t even break a sweat.

After he cleaned up the snakes lifeless body and placed it in a container that fit’s the five foot creature, he explained to me how the snake got into the resort. “These snakes are wandering around the floor of the rainforest and this one must have crawled into a drain pipe and made it his home. Then it grew up and found his way out of the pipe through your toilet and made a home in this resort’s bathroom.”

Next time we my wife and I take a vacation we plan on going somewhere that has no deadly snakes that are going to hide in our bathroom and try to kill us. So much for our nice second honeymoon.