Train of Thought

Rumbling jolt… falling… awakening.

“What the… What?” My eyes slowly swim into focus as the disorienting movements recede into the background of an emerging confusion that only gets worse when I see where I am. My hand is pressed against the back of a dull-gray seat; I know it’s a seat because I find myself seated on something similar. “What am I doing here? Where am I?” I’m confused; I was in line for a food permit and now I’m in a strange seat in even stranger surroundings; an enclosed place filled with dark, empty seats.

My temples throb and my head pounds with the dull pain that awoke when I did. Did I fall asleep standing in line? Am I dreaming? “Wake up!” My shout is swallowed up by the incessant clattering rumble that merges with the beating ache under my brow. I shut my eyes and tighten my lids, hoping I’ll open them to the back of the old woman in front of me and the long line of ragged people wondering if there’ll be any permits left when they finally reach the kiosk.

“Saq!” It’s not like me to swear but this is too much; opening my eyes just brings me back to abnormality. I’m convinced that this is no dream; the swelling pain in my head, the ever-increasing loudness filling this strange place, and the feeling of movement that seems to be getting faster every passing moment, assures me that I’m awake. Joining my confusion is a growing fear, not only of this inexplicable place I’ve found myself in but also from the sense that I’m being rushed to a terrifying end.

I start to close my eyes, hoping for an awakening to the reality I’m sure won’t come, when a glint of light draws my focus to the window I hadn’t noticed. I look out, turn away, fall back in my seat, and squeeze my eyes shut as tightly as I can. “What?” The landscape, if that’s what I saw speeding by, is nothing like anything I’ve ever seen. The colors are unfamiliar; what I assume are structures are strange and misshapen. I don’t know where I am or where I’m going; the only thing I do know is that I don’t want to be here. “Wake up! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” over and over until my shouts are hysterical screams that threaten to break my tenuous hold on the shreds of sanity I have left.

Once more, I close my eyes, not in hopes of opening them to the place I belong, but to shut off the scene of abnormality long enough for me to gather my scattered thoughts.

”Rop! I have to.” I open my eyes to a determination to get up and explore my unfamiliar, unusual surroundings; not out of curiosity, because I don’t care about discovering where I’ve been taken, but in the small hope that I’ll find some way out of this place I don’t belong.

The lurching, rushing movements of my gray, confining enclosure makes it hard for me to stand and even harder to stay on my feet as I stagger past row after row of empty seats. It’s too dark to see beyond a couple of rows so I’m shocked and even more afraid when I come to a wall stopping my forward progress. “ROP!” My sense of propriety has fled and I a hurl a string of curses at the wall that stands between me and any chance of escape. A tremendous jolt slams me into that cursed wall then a sudden rush of speed throws me back and off my feet. The pain of my fall silences the thumping ache in my head and plunges me into a welcome oblivion.

Waking up was not welcome; my head is hammering with increasing pain, my body is stiff and sore, and I’m still trapped in unreality. I want to stay down, close my eyes, and sleep until my world returns and I’m standing in the all too familiar food line again, but there’s no point in hiding in sleep; any awakening will be to this cage I’ve been thrust into by some unknown, unseen force.

“Why am I here? What in the name of Qo'nos do you want?” I knew my shouted questions wouldn’t be answered and they aren’t. I’m here alone, with no sign of a way out. I struggle to my feet and try to think of something to do next, something besides sitting down, burying my head in my hands, and waiting for some sort of end.

I do sit but I’m not ready to give up, yet; I need a moment to collect my thoughts and try to think of something I can do that will get me out of my trap. A glance out the window turns into a terrified stare when I see the blur of the passing landscape. There are no more strange structures, just an ever-changing stream of light, dark, and flashes of colors so unfamiliar to me that, every moment I watch them, I become more disoriented, more confused and afraid. The speed my possible tomb now seems to be moving is unimaginable and I feel like my end is near.

Before I’m cast into an abyss of terrifying illusion, I force my eyes away from the window and stare at the gray wall that stands in my way. I didn’t notice it before, but I see a seam that gives me a hint of hope that there may be a door that might open to a possible way out.

I struggle against my pain and my cage’s movements to rise up and maintain a semblance of balance. Each step towards the hoped-for door is followed by stumbles back that take me further and further away from my chance of escape. “No.” My sighing groan rises to a shouted, “NO!” then an agonized scream that drives me forward into a determined run that comes to an abrupt halt when I crash into the wall. I feel myself falling back and my hands claw at the smooth surface, seeking a purchase that will keep me on my feet instead of falling back into a darkness that will only return me to this accursed place.

I press against the wall as tightly as I can and the small bit of balance against the continuous jolts of ever-increasing speed allows me to feel around for some way to open what I beg to be a door.

There is no way of telling time in this snare I woke up in, but it seemed like an eternity before my fingers found something that feels different than the smooth surface my fingers searched over and over again, an indentation, slight, so slight that I wonder if it’s a delusion brought to light by my pleading hope for release. I press closer to the wall and breath deep, calming breaths until my heart slows its terrified pounding and my senses come into enough focus to be certain that the difference I feel in the wall’s uniformity is real.

I wait a moment, wait for my courage to gather, to be ready to face another unknown, then I press my fingers into the dent. My heart sinks when nothing happens; my eyes begin to lose focus and my feeling of being trapped forever begins to resurface. “Please. Please!” I beg and, as if someone, something, heard my plea, a loud, hissing sigh fills my ears, and a gap appears in the wall. “Yes! YES!” I shout. “Open! Please, please open,” I implore, and the door grants my wish.

I drop to my knees in defeat. Before me, beyond my longed-for way of escape, is nothing, a swirling mass of gray nothingness, and I start to long for death.

The crushing blow is more than I can bear, my bondage is more than I can endure, and I struggle to my feet, determined to make my wish for release a reality; I’m ready to die. I take a slow deep breath, encourage my leaving with an “Alright,” and step out into nothingness.

Rumbling jolt… falling… awakening.

“What the… What?” My eyes slowly swim into focus as the disorienting movements recede into the background of an emerging confusion that only gets worse when I see where I am.