Today is my Birthday

The day started like any other, but I knew it wasn’t, today was my birthday. As I lay there I could

feel the sun on my face and I could still smell the smoldering coals. I was 50 years old today. I

kept my eyes closed, wrapped in his old blanket, cuddling her monkey, to keep dreaming of my

favorite birthday. My last birthday with them and their laughter. I do my best to not dwell on what

once was, but today, I am. I am going to remember it all. I am going to remember my

daughter’s face, her laugh. I am going to remember his face, his smile. I am just going to lay

here and let the memories surround me. I might not even open my eyes today. Just spend my

whole birthday with them, if it’s only in my dreams.

It’s been 10 years since I held them. Ten years since the lights went out, figuratively and

emotionally. There are days I wonder why. Why am I here and they are gone. Why I made it

through the darkness only to live in solitude. Some days I cry, but most of the time I just survive

hoping to not be discovered. I must say, for a city girl, I do impress myself. I never thought I

would’ve lasted this long out here. I always thought I would have been found and then I could be

with them again. “The Lord works in mysterious ways”, I hear my grandmother say in my head.

Damn.. that was so long ago. But I’m digressing.

Today I am going to remember it all. Nine years and three hundred and sixty two days ago I

was with them. I hugged them both and kissed them both and they both made me laugh. When

I remember that day, I am so thankful I watched them. If I had any artistic ability at all, I would

cover the walls of this little shack with their faces. But my baby girl, now she could draw! She

could paint, color, sketch.. She could tell a story with just a pencil and a brush. She always

painted the most beautiful, bright eyes on all her art. I think about that now and wonder what

was she trying to see or say with her eyes. I can see her paintings just as clear in my mind as I

did when I was holding them. It was my 40th birthday weekend, and they set out to surprise

me. We packed up the car and we were off the grid for this whirlwind weekend. For one day, it

was everything I ever wanted. I never felt so safe, good, happy. We laughed and drank and

laughed till we peed our pants. It was perfection. After a lifetime of struggle, I finally had my

happy ending. I can still taste his perfect porterhouse steak with mushrooms and onions and

that ice cold beer. I can still smell the massive bouquet of wild flowers she picked me. They

were so cute as they handed me the small box together. Sneaking glances of anticipation back

and forth, hoping I would love their gift. It was the prettiest white velvet box with a yellow ribbon.

As I opened it, they looked like kids waiting for Santa. Both of them wide-eyed and just wanting

to blurt out what it was. Neither of them were ever any good at keeping secrets, so I think most

of their excitement was probably pride that they both finally did it! And there it was. The flames

of the fire danced across it and it took my breath. It was my grandmother’s silver heart

shaped locket. Although I hadn’t seen it in years, I knew what it was. They had found it and

had it restored. Tears were swelling in my eyes and she said, “open it mama”. And there,

inside were two pictures on either side. Him and her. That moment of complete joy waved

through me. Every prayer of peace I ever had was answered. As the tears ran down my face, I

looked up and saw these two beautiful, incredible faces smiling with tears running down theirs.

That’s it. That is the moment I want to lay here and play over and over again in my mind. That

is the last memory I want to have. I want to share that with them. I don’t want to think about the

next morning. I don’t want to remember that 12 hrs from that perfect moment, that we would

never laugh again. They got up early and headed to town, about 25 miles west to get me my favorite muffin for

breakfast. I don’t know if I heard the booms or smelled the smoke, but something felt wrong when I

woke. My phone rang. “Babe?”, I said frantically, not sure why. He was out of breath and so

matter of fact. He cried, “Babe, I don’t know what’s happening but it’s bad, like really bad.

Please don’t move. I will not leave her. I will do whatever I can to get us back to you but if we

don’t make it, stay there baby”.

“MAMA!!!” I could hear the terror in her cry!

“What is happening!!??” I yelled.

“I don’t know babe, but I will get us back to you and I will protect her till my dying breath, but

promise me you won’t leave! Promise me!!”

“I promise!! Babe I don’t know what to do, I need you here”

“I love you so much! We love….”.

My knees, they gave in. I fell to the ground. I was overcome with fear and heartbreak that I have

never known. I clicked my phone as fast as I could. And there it was, chaos. Everywhere.

Cities burning, Capitol’s exploded, leaders assassinated, it was like a world wide flash mob of

terrorists. I wanted to run for them, but I didn’t have a car and I didn’t even know where they

were. So I waited. And waited. But they never came back. I tried calling over and over. No

signal and then my phone died. So I waited. And I’m still waiting. There was a moment when I

knew. When I felt love leave my soul. Those were dark days. But I stayed and survived just

incase they came back. He told me not to leave, so I stayed. He told me I was safe, he was

right. But I’m tired of being safe now. I miss them. I miss him. I want to hold my baby girl

again. I don’t want to think about the sadness of this world anymore. I don’t want to know what

it’s like out there. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

One day someone will come. They will find this little shack in the middle of nowhere. They will

find the old coals of past fires. They will find tattered clothes, rusted kitchen utensils and an old

cell phone. They will find crude drawings of stick figures on the walls with names and hearts

above them. But they won’t care about any of that. They won’t care who I was, what I lost or

how I even survived out here for so long. They will ransack this place without a second thought

and then they will search for me but they will not find me. And they will never find my locket.

I open my eyes, and there it is. Hanging on the wall between their drawings. I get up and put it

on. I haven’t worn my locket in some years. The flames don’t shine across it anymore and the

pictures were fading from my fingers. For the first time in many years, I smile. I grab the old

bottle of wine we drank together on my birthday and walk down to the riverbed. I watch the

trees blowing in the wind and hear the birds singing. It’s so peaceful, almost as if the world is

good again. The sound of the bottle breaking on a rock echos through the trees, shattering the

stillness. I look back to the shack and think of my perfect moment. The water is cool on my

feet, as I hold the locket to my heart. My thoughts are only of them and I barely feel the bottle

pierce my wrist. First the right, then the left. I close my eyes and begin to float…

The day started like any other, but I knew it wasn’t, today was my birthday.