Three Green Lights

It’s almost midnight again, my favorite time of day. I look around my empty apartment. Unopened boxes and suitcases line the walls. It’s been three weeks since I’ve moved in, but I have yet to feel settled. My twenty-second birthday was two days ago and since I’m new to this city, I spent the day alone.

Well, not completely alone. I spent it with my dead brother. Let me explain.

My older brother Reese died six years ago, when I was sixteen and he was twenty-one. It happened in a freak accident when he was a senior in college, right before graduation. I graduated a month ago. Something about this makes me feel guilty, knowing I have officially passed the milestone Reese was working towards when he died. It doesn’t feel right, moving forward in a world he was denied.

But turning twenty-two has made everything worse. I am officially older than my older brother ever got to be. I always looked up to him. Despite being relatively close in age, I saw him as this big, fearless man who had all the answers. Reese wasn’t just my brother, he was my unofficial guardian. Our parents were never really parents, so he took a lot on as a teenager to make sure I was always fed, dressed, and safe. He was my rock.

And now here I am, having to navigate life without him. A life I always thought he would be here to guide me through. Before turning twenty-one, I oddly found comfort in still being “younger” than Reese. Then, at twenty-one, I found comfort in being Reese’s age. And now I’m twenty-two, and I’m terrified. I know it sounds foolish, measuring my sense of autonomy by the number of years I have over my dead brother. But for the first time ever, I feel completely on my own. As if Reese can’t guide me anymore because I’ve officially lived more life than him. That it is now time to take the reins into my own hands.

So, that’s what I set out to do on the night of my birthday. Reese and I used to love going for night drives through the city. He got his license as soon as he turned legal. Driving me around made for good practice, he would always say. But I knew it was more than that. We both always looked so forward to those midnight drives together.

Up until two nights ago, I hadn’t drove anywhere past midnight since Reese died. It felt wrong. That was our special time, when the world was asleep and we would come alive, blasting Coldplay and The Goo Goo Dolls as we drove over the lit-up bridge to get milkshakes at the 24-hour drive-through. Reese would always get so excited when we’d hit three green lights in a row. This is what pure freedom feels like, he would say.

So, in some bizarre attempt to find my independence and feel grown up, I decided to go for a midnight drive on my birthday. When he was alive, Reese was always the one to take the wheel. But I was the older one now, so it felt like my time.

And here’s the spooky part. Reese was there. I hit three green lights in a row and he just kind of… appeared. In the passenger’s seat. Maybe it’s all a figment of my imagination, or maybe Reese’s soul is only able to come through when I drive my car after midnight. Who knows, really. All I know is ever since I got behind the wheel on the night of my birthday, I’ve been able to see him every night since.

And now I can’t get enough. I grab my keys and race out the door, not wanting to miss a second of Reese.

I turn my key in the ignition and pull out of the parking lot. I take my usual route, knowing exactly which three stoplights will remain green all the way through.

As soon as I pass through the final light, I see him. The faded outline of an aura beginning to materialize in the passenger’s seat. An aura that manages to look like Reese, and not look like Reese, at the same time. A mere ball of energy, shapeshifting into that of his old, human body for the sake of being recognized by me.

“Reese,” I let out, breathlessly. “You’re back!”

Reese’s aura looks over at me and smiles. “Of course, Willow. You know midnight drives are my favorite.”

A tear of longing and joy rolls down my cheek. This whole driving Reese around thing is still fresh enough to make me cry at the sight of him. I look over at Reese and place my hand on top of his, feeling waves of his energy charge through me. Even if he hadn’t shifted into any particular shape, I would know that feeling anywhere.

“I miss you so much,” I say, trying to hold back more tears bubbling below the surface. I think of my new apartment, in this new city I moved to right after graduation. How the only reason I moved here in the first place was because I was looking for an escape, somewhere no one knows my name. But somehow, running away from my past has only forced me to face it even harder. “Reese, I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without you. I don’t know how to be an adult now that I’m… older. Older than you.”

Reese’s entire aura appears to be smiling now, as if he is trying to wash my sorrow away with a beam of pure light. “Oh, Willow. Don’t you get it? It was never about age, or number of years lived. That’s human talk.”

“Huh? But I have lived longer than you, Reese. As a human. And it makes me feel like I’m not your little sister anymore. Like I need to… have all the answers now.” My words are barreling out of me, worried this has all been an elaborate hallucination and he can disappear at any second.

“You’ve lived more years as Willow than I got to live as Reese, yes. But who we are is infinite, don’t you see? Even long after my death, I’m still right here with you. Who I am was not stunted at the moment of death. And as for answers, well… I’m afraid we will never have all of those.”

I look back on all the times Reese made it look so easy, making sure I was always taken care of, even while away at college. Juggling multiple jobs so he could send me a percentage of his paycheck every week. “Then how did you do it? How did you make being an adult look so easy?”

Reese lets out a laugh. “It was never easy, Willow. I know I made it look that way, for your sake, but that’s because I made a promise to myself to never let you see worst of it.”

He takes a pause, carefully contemplating his next words.

“You never saw all the times I broke down crying at the grocery store because I had to choose between buying my milk or your Lunchables. When I stole cough medicine from my place of work, because you were sick and I was in overdraft. Countless nights spent studying instead of sleeping, because my days were spent taking care of you.”

Reese’s words hit me like a ton of bricks. It makes me feel guilty, picturing a young Reese crying in the milk isle, nervously slipping cough medicine up his sleeve, walking into his exams with red, puffy eyes. All for me. Because of me.

“Being an adult isn’t about how much you know, or what you are or aren’t capable of,” Reese continues. “It’s about taking action. Being scared, but doing it anyway. Because someone is counting on you. And that was you, Willow. You were counting on me.”

“Exactly, Reese. You had me to look after. But I’m all alone. I don’t have anyone to step up to the plate for, to fight for… or even to love. I don’t have that same purpose you did.”

“Yes, you do, Willow. You are your purpose. You are the one worth loving, worth fighting for. I know this because it was true for me, so it is true for you, too.”

I take in a sharp breath, realizing not once have I considered this before.

“Do you really think I would’ve grown up that fast if it weren’t for you?” Reese continues. “There are so many paths I could’ve went down in high school, but I chose studying and college and working multiple jobs because of you. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, either. Nothing about being a college dad to my twelve-year-old sister felt natural to me, Willow. But I did it anyway. Because you were worth it.”

Everything Reese is saying feels true, as though I have known this all along. But hearing it out loud – or in my own head? – is forcing me to wake up and face the truth. Reese was never the big, fearless man I envisioned him to be. He was a scared little boy, pushed into adulthood far before he was ready. He didn’t give everything up to take care of me because he was mature beyond his years, he sacrificed his youth to take care of me because he had no other choice. Because he loved me and that was reason enough. Never once had I considered that that might be enough.

I am speechless. How am I supposed to respond? What do you say to someone who gave up their entire life for you, selflessly, expecting nothing in return? “Oh, Reese… I – I had no idea.”

“I know, Will. Because I didn’t want you to. My pride was too big at the time… That’s what being stuck in a human body will do to you,” Reese chuckles. “But sometimes, it’s best to let people know how much they mean to you. Rather than pretend to be strong or brave or fearless, show people that you, too, are wounded. Lost. And that the only thing keeping you going, the only thing keeping you from giving up, is love.”

I check the dashboard for the time; 12:56AM. Unfortunately, Reese has been disappearing before the hour is up. I don’t have much time left.

“I didn’t love myself enough in the limited time I had on planet earth, Willow. And that’s something I’ll forever regret. Not for my sake, but for yours. I naively believed me loving you would be enough to make you love yourself, but it’s not. Self-love – the drive to keep living for no one but yourself – is something that must be modelled, not taught. And you didn’t have anyone around to model that for you.”

My eyes are blurred with tears. I want to stop the car, but I’m afraid Reese will disappear as soon as I do. I have one last question before the hour is up.

“Why the three green lights?”

“Because that’s the feeling of pure freedom, Willow. My birthday gift to you. Open road, untethered, no one holding you back.” Reese grabs hold of my hand again. “You were worth years of sacrifice when I was alive, years of doing things I… didn’t necessarily want to do.”

We share a chuckle. One that just might be our last.

“But you were worth it, Willow. And I hope now, you can finally say the same for yourself.”

And just like that, the clock strikes one and he’s gone.

Back in my apartment I sigh at the sight of boxes flooding the hallway, feeling the sudden urge to dump everything out and finally settle into my new space. Open road, untethered, three green lights.

I blast Coldplay and open the first box.