The Zombii Spray Initiative

When I tell my wife I’m going to work for Zombii Co., she looks at me like I’m crazy. I can’t say I blame her, because the last thing you’d expect a biochemist to do is go work for a company that specializes in preventing the zombie apocalypse. The chances of having a zombie apocalypse are slim to none, but according to Dmitri ‘Jack’ Eslinger, people are nuts about zombies.

“What are you going to be working on at Zombii Co?” Myra asks.

“Uhm, well its top secret, but basically I’m working on a zombie repellent spray,” I reply.

“You’re working on a repellent spray for something that doesn’t exist? Please tell me what motivated you to take this job over the one you had at Medi-gel.”

“They’re paying better and the benefits and retirement package is good. They’ve even got a special vacation place we get access to whenever we want! Besides, I could use a fun challenge instead of just creating variations of the same formula for Medi-gel.”

“And what happens when you can’t create a zombie repellent and have to look for work? You’ll be laughed at because you took that job!” Myra stridently says.

“No risk, no reward, Myra.”

Myra shakes her head in disgust and walks away. I can tell I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

I grab my car keys, with the heart shaped locket she gave me and head out the door. When I get to Zombii Co. headquarters, I send her a text.

I love you Myra. I’m taking this job for our future. Please trust me.

I wait a couple minutes but I don’t get a response.

I sigh and then walk into the front lobby of the Zombii Co. headquarters.

“Bob, you’re here! How are you?” Dmitri Eslinger calls out. He walks up to me and pumps my hand enthusiastically. “Everyone! This is the guy I was telling you about. Our new head of biochemistry. He’s going to help us do amazing things!”

Everyone in the lobby breaks out into applause. I’ve never been greeted that way before.

“T-thank you! I’m really excited to be here.”

“Let me show you to your new work home. We’ve got a state of the art lab for you that I think you’ll love.”

Eslinger grabs my arm and drags me down the hall toward a door with a window in it. My name is on a nameplate beside the door. Eslinger hands me a key card and I run it over a black plate beside the door and then the door opens.

“You’ll need that keycard to get into any room. You are security level 3, which means you’ll get access to most of the building. I’m really glad you’re here, Bob, because I need your help perfecting the zombie spray formula. Up until now we’ve been using a knock off of a mosquito spray, but our customers aren’t dumb and what we need is a spray that will really repel zombies.”

“I’m sure I can come up with something. You said you already have part of a formula for me to work off of, correct?”

“Yes, your predecessor did some excellent work. Unfortunately she got snatched away by another company, but I know you have what we need to complete the formula.”

“If I have questions for her, will I be able to contact her.”

Eslinger makes a face and says, “Unfortunately, we didn’t part on the best of terms. She made it very clear that she did not want us to contact her.”

“Ah, ok. Well, I can make do with whatever notes she’s got.”

“All of them are here,” Eslinger says and gestures to a computer. He logs me in and I see the notes from Emily Schalla detailing the progress she’s made on the Zombii Spray formula.

“It looks like she was missing a key protein from this formula. Has anyone figured out what the missing protein is?”

“No, we’re hoping you can figure that. It’s the missing ingredient from the formula, and once we have that ingredient we’ll be able to start experimenting on some derivatives of the formula. I don’t want you to worry about those. Just focus on the main formula.”

“Of course. I’ll get to work.”

I sit down at the computer and start reading more of Emily’s notes while Eslinger lets himself out. After a few minutes I check my phone. Still no text from Myra.

I scan the notes more. The formula is supposed to repel zombies, but the challenge is that there are no zombies. How do you repel something that doesn’t exist? Emily had created a chemical cocktail, but what’s missing is the biological component, and I see why I’ve been brought in.

“If the point is to repel zombies, maybe what we need to use as a bonding agent is the very thing that the spray is supposed to protect against,” I muse out loud to myself.

I think that through for a moment. It would mean using human DNA. Maybe that’s why Emily quit, on moral and ethical grounds. I decide to run a simulation on the computer, adding human DNA to the formula. I’m curious to see what will happen if DNA is added into the mix. It’s a simulation, so it’s not like I’m doing anything unethical.

It looks like it’ll take at least a half hour. I get up from the chair and grab my keycard and phone. Time to get a constitutional in and get to know this place better. I walk out of the lab and start exploring my new work home.

There are a couple of other labs nearby with people working on what I’m presuming are the variants of the spray. I don’t interrupt the work because I know what it’s like to be in the zone, but I’m looking forward to getting to know the rest of the department.

I go down a couple floors and hear some loud gunfire.

“What’s going on down here?” I ask a security guard.

“Oh, they’re just testing the guns and ammo that we provide the customers. We’ve got a couple gunsmiths here. If you ever need to relieve some stress, come down here and feel free to shoot the guns. The gun range is available to all of the employees.”

“Uh, thanks,” I say. I’ve never fired a gun in my life, and it makes me wonder if maybe Myra is right.

I leave that floor and walk up the stairs to the top floor and swipe my card. The door beeps a warning sound and the black plate flashes a red light. I guess this one of those places I can’t go. I turn around and go down one floor and find myself on the computer programming floor, or at least that’s what it looks like. I see a bunch of pasty faced geeks coding away on computers.

“What kind of work are you doing here?” I ask one of the coders.

She ignores me.

I tap her on the shoulder and she gives me a distrustful look and takes off her headphones.

“What do you want? And don’t touch me again without my consent.”

“Uhm, sorry. I asked a question and you didn’t respond.”

She grabs the headphones and shakes them at me.

“I wear these so I don’t get bothered by people like you. Now leave me alone. I got to get back to coding the zombie alert system app.”

I turn around and walk down to my floor. They really take the zombie apocalypse seriously here. Between the gun range and the app and this formula I’m working on, I’m realizing that the people here are really planning for a zombie apocalypse. It makes me wonder what the customers are like, because if the workers here are taking it seriously, then the customers have to be insane about it.

I pull out my phone and text Myra, You wouldn’t believe what they have here Myra. A gun range and app services for the zombie apocalypse. It’s wild.

I let myself into my lab and check on the computer simulation. It’s nearly complete.

“I see you’ve been making rounds of the headquarters,” Eslinger says.

I yelp in surprise and turn around.

“Uh yes, I thought while I had the computer run a simulation I’d check out the facilities.”

“What do you think?”

“Everyone seems hardcore here.”

“Oh all of us are. I know the zombie apocalypse sounds like a far-fetched possibility, but we take it seriously here. It looks like your simulation is finishing up.”

I turn around. The program makes a beeping noise and shows the simulation.

“Back to the drawing board,” I say disappointedly and grab the mouse so I can delete the simulation.

“Wait! Don’t get rid of that just yet! It may have some potential.”

“But it’s showing us what happens if the chemical compounds are applied to human DNA, and it's causing some type of mutant alteration. That isn’t what you wanted.”

“That’s true Bob, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Even our failures are opportunities to perfect the work we’re doing around the zombie apocalypse,” Eslinger says and then gives me a grin. “Besides you can’t have a zombie apocalypse without zombies, right?!” Then he laughs.

“Right…” I say and give him a sickly smile in return.

What kind of joke is that? Now I’m really thinking that Myra is right. I may have torpedoed my career by coming to work here.

“Print that simulation out for me, Bob.”

I click the print button and Eslinger greedily grabs the printing paper like its money being spewed out of an ATM machine. He looks over the print out excitedly!

“This is exactly what we’ve been looking for. This will help us come up with the necessary repellent for the zombies. I knew I was right in hiring you!”

“Thank you. I can’t promise I’ll have a breakthrough like this every day.”

Eslinger smiles and says, “Oh don’t worry about that. I’m sure you’ll do just fine here. I got to show this to the other scientists.”

He hurriedly walks out the door. I close it behind him and look at the simulation. All I’ve done is bonded the chemicals to human DNA. Surely Emily could have figured that out. I don’t see what the big deal is.

I decide to play with the simulation further by looking at what would happen to the human cells. What I see scares me. The simulation shows the cells mutating, with the metabolism in the cells going through the roof. If something like this is actually turned into a real formula, it would make the person who used it into a super strong and ravenous person.

I feel a chill go through me as I remember Eslinger’s joke. Maybe he really wasn’t kidding.

I grab my phone and text Myra, I think you’re right and that I made the wrong decision with this job. I need to clean up a problem and then I’m going to try and get my old job back.

I grab the mouse. I’m about to click delete which will erase my simulation and Emily’s formula, when I feel a sharp sting on the back of my arm.

“Ow!” I whirl around and there’s Eslinger, holding a syringe.

“I can’t have you deleting company secrets. And I needed a test subject. What you’ve created isn’t quite what I hoped for Bob, but it’s a step in the right direction. I think it’s only fitting you get to become the first zombie.”

I gasp and then double over in pain. I start feeling hunger cramps in my stomach. I desperately grab my phone and text, Myra I’m so sorry, so hungry.

Eslinger looks at what I wrote.

“I imagine you are. You can’t have a zombie apocalypse without zombies. Now I’ll delete that unsent text and make sure you have an accident on the way home.”

Want more zombie apocalypse fiction? Check out my free story: The Zombie Apocalypse Hospital.