The Space Train's Engineer

Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say. So, when I awake to find I was aboard The Platinum Arrow, in fact engineering the thing according to the too-chipper voice of on-board navigation, my bellow of frustration goes unheard.

I always thought of us as a team – Timmy and Tommy, Tommy and Timmy. Timmy had taken risks before, true, but he needed gentle understanding for his actions. He’d been abused and suffered greatly in his youth. Since I, Tom, was one of the few who knew of his unfortunate upbringing much of that understanding had to come from me. But this – today – this was the proverbial straw. Waking up on a speeding warp train with no clue as to how I arrived here? Nobody in sight to explain to me what was happening? I feel setup and betrayed. I’m done with him. I’ll have to get counseling to deal with our co-dependency issues, no doubt, but first thing is first. What's going on with this train?

I’ve been an engineer for Earth’s inner atmosphere trains for almost two decades now. This train is bigger. I ask onboard for a schematic on the screen. Wiping the sleep from my tired eyes, I check my pockets as I’m familiarizing myself with the warp train.

It’s a passenger train headed for Avonlea.

“Avonlea!” another frustrated exclamation leaves my mouth. “No, no, no.” I say, as I have the computer bring up the course charts.

“Tim. How could you” I say, aloud again, as the reality of my situation catches up to warp speed.

I check to see the conductor is resting comfortably in suspended animation. He’s already completed the first leg of the journey.

I’ve been suspended for six months of the two-year journey along with the vacationing travelers on board. The computer tells me all systems are functioning properly with life-support for the 200 passengers. It’s protocol to have one crew member awake at a time and the fact that it's me, confirms it. I’m the train’s Engineer.

I put aside all the niggling questions as to how Timmy got me this job, I would have had to apply and do the perquisite physicals. He wanted me off the planet, bad. Probably impersonated me through the process. Then one good night of drinking, and I was probably taken to the S.A. pod to pass out.

This round trip will take four years, assuming we are returning right away with a manifest full of travelers who have exhausted all that Avonlea, a water world, has to offer.

I will only feel the two years I’m awake, but I will be gone four Earth years.

I doubt she will wait for me. Worse, it’s already been six months – she probably already moved on! She’ll think I ghosted big time.

That’s the “why,” of course. He got me out of the way, so nothing could progress with Jacintha. Our relationship was new, sure, but it was intense. I’ve never wanted to be with anyone more, even doing nothing with her was enthralling to my whole self. Timmy didn’t like it. He wasn’t getting enough of my time.

I allow, briefly, to think of how long it took to set me up like this.

Trying to switch focus, I’m pleased to find the personnel communications user friendly, as I was absent from all of the training sessions this position would have required. I am a responsible person despite being linked to the likes of Timmy – all in the past now, I assure myself, as I open my messaging center.

There are six thousand new messages. Great. Well, I certainly have the time. The train is on a set course. I only have to monitor our progress, make micro adjustments to our course, and ensure the safety of the passengers.

My stomach rumbles as my inner workings start up again, empty. I look for the post suspension supplies and find a vending machine. The Platinum Bullet rations supply unit is far greater than the one I was provided on my previous inner-atmosphere train. I choose the item number for “post suspension support” and am presented with a tray holding several warm gels, and three capsules. I’ve never been in suspended animation before, but the body requires extra mineral support afterwards, and a pain reliever/muscle relaxant to prevent muscle spasms.

I curse Timmy as I down them and chase with a gel pack.

Jacintha and I had talked about taking a trip just like this one together. At least, I muse from the optimist side of my personality, I’m helping the passengers fulfill the dream to see another world. Avonlea is supposed to be a paradise. An entire world formed by island chains wrapped around its equator. The vegetation and marine life keep Earthlings flocking to it. Becoming more accessible over time. It used to be only the elite wealthy who could afford to take the trip, but technology has progressed. Now it was more a question of time and willingness to undergo suspension that deters the average person.

“At least I’ll get to see it” I say, aloud. Would have been nice to be with the woman I love.

I set about organizing my messages. Top priority is contacting Jacintha, mother, and June. It would be better to see what they think is going on first. I wonder if my family suspected I was being manipulated by Timmy. Both my mom and my sister know what he is capable of, but Jacintha has not seen it. She would not suspect he could orchestrate something like this.

There are plenty of messages from all of them.

Jacintha's stop after half a dozen. All dated the few days before departure. It stings a little, to know she gave up so quickly. I will have to see how convincing Timmy was at playing me with her. Damn, I felt like she knew my soul.

I start with my sister, June. She's written to me the way she used to write when I was a child at summer camp. A beautiful line of poetic prose to start each note off. The body of the message telling me what's going on with Mom and Cali, her house cat. There does not seem to be any concern for me so she must have bought into Timmy’s deception. A couple of the last ones sent before we left don’t seem to have been open and replied to yet. I guess Timmy wasn’t suspicious of my sister figuring out his scheme.

I move on to my Mom's messages. They have all been read and most replied to.

The first message is asking if I’d really thought things through and was I certain I wanted to take four years out of my ‘real life’ to be a ‘space train conductor’. Typical mom, she was never one for the nuance of positions and titles. This message was replied to. “I” say I’m sure about my decision, and not to worry about me. She will hear from me in about six months when I take my first shift. The monitor now says we have been traveling for six months and twelve days.

“Dick” I say, my rage fanned.

In the next message, mom says she's had a visit from a young woman, Jacina. I perk up a bit. It’s spelled wrong but it’s got to be her. Mom is getting a little hard of hearing.

Jacintha told her she's concerned for me, and about the too hasty decision to take this job. Neither of them had heard about it until I was accepting the position. She told my mother she cared about me, and I was acting out of character. She wondered if the friend I always talked about could be involved. Now my mother was really concerned about me...she knows the path of destruction Timmy has had on my life.

Again, there is a reply, that things with Jacintha were going too fast and she was becoming a bit clingy. Timmy told her, acting as me, that I had never given Jacintha her address, so it wasn’t ok she had gone there. He told her to be careful of her.

“Ha! CLINGY! What a joke. She was worried about me – rightfully so!” I gesture to my surroundings. My girlfriend is very clever and told my mom she cares. Even if Timmy succeeded in ending my relationship with Jacintha, this is a good moment for me.

My reply goes on to confess Jacintha was part of the reason I was taking this position. I needed all this time and space away from her.

Mom accepted that in the next message, and a brief peruse of the rest of the messages show they are only regular updates. She is checking in on my condo, making sure I don’t get squatters. It’s become a thing for travelers to other worlds to return from long absences to find squatters residing in their homes. My sister's name in one of mom’s notes catches my eye. She says she hopes I’m noticing Judy’s letters are just like the ones she used to write me while I was away at camp.

That stirs something in my memories. I had thought that, too. Weird to be taken back so many years – to camp days – twice in succession like that. When I try to remember any details of that time, nothing firms up. It’s there but, I’m only basically functioning right now. I will have to have a natural sleep cycle before my brain catches up to all that I awoke to.

I do a few stretches before getting back in my pod to sleep. There will be plenty of days ahead to figure it all out and try to repair damage to my relationship with Jacintha.

***

I wake with a start. I had been arguing with someone in a dream. It was different then the fighting that used to happen around my house when I was little, though. And whoever this person was, I’d been holding my own. Not like when dad used to lay in on me with his unfair size advantage.

Why would I think about that right now? Years of counseling and it's still right there. That’s how Timmy and I met. Bonded over trauma. His turned him into a sociopath and mine gave me the ability to just “go away” as my mom always called it. It had been the group sessions after I went to camp for the first time. That’s where I’d met Tim. My sister had immediately hated him, as I recall. She will be happy to know I’m seeing things her way, even if thirty years too late.

Back then, Judy had written me in code so Timmy couldn't read it.

Wait!

There it is. The thing that was just out of reach earlier. Judy’s code was all about the first letters of her opening lines.

I opened the messaging on my pod screen and asked for a note pad.

Twenty minutes later I had dictated an interesting message from my sister.

WE KNOW HE TOOK OVER CHECK THE MANIFEST

With a flutter in my chest, I wonder what my family could have done to make Timmy taking me off Earth ok.

“My God. Did they?” I mutter in amazement.

“Computer, review manifest for passenger Jacintha Russell.”

“Jacintha Russell is in car four, row D, pod two.” replied the computer.

My mouth hangs open as I fit together what has happened. I can’t believe they figured out what Timmy was up to and circumvented his plan. I know I won’t be able to wait to see her and so I decide to make my way to passenger car four.

She is there. Looking beautiful like when sleeping on the pillow next to me. Her arms are folded, and palms stacked on her chest. It’s like every depiction of S.A. ever shown. Another piece of training I would have missed. In her hand, Jacintha is clutching a handwritten note.

‘Look through your offers. Do you need your air filter changed?’

I smile. She once complained how often she must redirect filter change messages to her commercial offers folder. She said they must wake up and change their name for a new day of messaging the planet their service.

I head back to the engine room smiling and curious to know what my clever beauty has figured out.

***

In my commercial offers folder, I find it. An offer from Jazzy’s Air Filters. I open it up to a video message from Jacintha.

“Hey handsome. I can’t imagine you’re thrilled. We found out Timmy had a plan about two weeks before departure. You had been dodging me for a few days and I followed you. I’m sorry but something had changed between us…and you…your eyes. I couldn't figure it out. I followed you to the train company HQ where I found out you were going through trials for the Engineer position.” She pauses, takes a deep breath.

“The day that you told me about leaving, he had to come and see me…otherwise. You know, I wouldn’t just let you go. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet you.” She blushes.

“I knew then. That it wasn’t you…you were being too cold, uncaring. You stayed for just as long as it took to break my heart and then you left, casually saying you would ‘check-in’ with me after you returned.

“I felt very guilty going to your mom. She was surprised she hadn’t heard of me.” she looks sternly into the camera. “She had just had her talk with you about The Platinum Bullet position and things did seem a bit off to her as well. When she told me about your diagnosis, everything clicked.

“Tommy - You have dissociative personality disorder. You had to be sent away when you were younger after you killed your father in self-defense. You don’t remember it because, as your mom tells me -you’re able to “go away.” That is when Timmy takes over. This friend you think you have is actually an alternate personality. That's how he’s able to manipulate you so well. He is you.” She says, and I’m stunned.

“Here, Tom. Listen. Marion - come over here, sit down.” Jacintha says, and my mom shuffles into frame to sit next to her on the loveseat.

“Hi Tommy. I’m so sorry. Timmy had been under control, but he must have slipped out and Judy and I didn’t notice. First thing he does is get rid of your meds. Good thing Jacintha here pays good attention.” mom says, and pats Jacintha affectionately on the knee. “You took a lot of abuse from your father, starting very young. The doctors and counselors told me that's usually where the dissociation first happens. You made Timmy to be the part of you that takes abuse. He also protects you from hurt. Physical and emotional. I talked to your old counselor from the camp we sent you to and he said Timmy was probably trying to keep you from getting hurt in your new relationship.”

“But we don’t think that's going to happen '' a new voice speaks, and my sister ducks into view with a smile and a wave. Space is made for her on the love seat and there they are. All my most important people.

“We decided to help you lovebirds out. We worked behind Timmy's back to get Jacintha on board, and we are all contributing financially to her leave and this trip. We made sure your meds are programmed into your daily rations. We all think you should spend time learning about your condition. Take your meds. Come back to yourself and seek out some practitioners who can help you with the diagnosis. The next email from this address is full of the resources we have sourced for you. I love you, brother. I hope you can be well enough to enjoy love. You saved me so many times when we were younger. All I want is to help. I love you.” I can hear the emotion in her voice and it grounds all this information for me.

“Tommy. I love you, too. You don’t need Timmy anymore. You can absorb what you need from him. Stand up for yourself a little more, stand taller, be more confident. Learn how to pull off extensively planned schemes…”

“Mom!” Judy elbows her. They all smile though. It is pretty impressive what my alter has done.

“Tom, I’ll be waiting. When you think you’re ready, wake me up. I may look like I’m sleeping but I’m primed for an adventure with you. No rush, though. I’d prefer to never meet Timmy again.” Jacintha says.

“Let us know how you’re doing, son.” mom says.

“Good luck, Tom!”

They all smile together before Judy says, “End recording.”

This is a lot. So much. None of those old memories are coming clearer…when did I meet Timmy? Was he just there one day? I try to remember his face. It’s my face. From the dream I had. No wonder we were fighting.

I make the decision to talk to one of the doctors from my family's resource list as soon as possible. I close the folder and erase the dictated message I took to get my sister's clue. Just in case he wakes up instead of me.

I want to be on my meds for a while, to be sure he’s gone again, before I terminate Jacintha’s S.A. program. Will it be possible to heal my fractured identity enough to trust myself with her? I look at the still shot of the three women on the loveseat before closing and backing out of the folder. God, I hope so.

**********************************************************************

Thank you for reading this entry in Vocal Media's New Worlds Challenge.