The Phantom's Note

Kailey shifted uncomfortably in the hard plastic chair of the waiting room, valiantly trying to control her breathing and ignore the excited chatter of her classmates. After eighteen years all they needed to do was make it through the next few months, pass their final exams and they would finally take their place as adults and contribute to the well-being of their society. Jealousy gripped her. She should be as enthusiastic as them, but her carefree attitude had been stolen from her months ago.

Her eyes shifted to the guards standing by the exit, staring impassively as ten teenagers gossiped harmlessly. For as long as she remembered she had wanted to wear that uniform. Had wanted the respect that it carried. The pride of being honoured with it had been her driving force. Her motivation to earn her stars, to become a commander, all consuming, but now she didn’t know. And that had cast her adrift. She could not explain to her teachers, her parents, her friends why she may no longer want the one thing she had thrown her heart, body and soul into and she was lost.

Trapped.

A chill settled around her, but it had nothing to do with the cold air blasting from the AC. Again she shifted as she fought to control her anxiety. She could not let it win. Not here. Not just as she was about to face the doctor who would decide her fate. Would determine if she were fit to support their society or was destined to become a burden.

Her hand clasped around the heart-shaped locket that hung around her neck as she willed herself to calm. She could hear what its owner would have said as if she were sitting next to her. With a bright smile, she would have laughed, would have joked that the reason they do this yearly medical check a week before the start of term was so that the government wouldn’t have to waste resources educating you if you failed. Not too long ago that thought had seemed logical.

Morbid but logical.

Their compound had limited, strictly rationed supplies. If you were unable to support your community you put everyone at risk by asking the government to support you. That ethos permeated into every aspect of their society, convincing you that acting against it was selfish, and she had fervently believed it. But now? Now an aching hollowness replaced that belief.

A darker emotion overshadowed her anxiety. Though merely thoughts, she was terrified she was becoming the very thing she had been desperate to defend against. Her inner conflict was slowly tearing her apart and she had no one to turn to.

Not anymore.

A sharp pain brought her back to the present. The hum of the AC and her fellow students came back into focus as she released the unintentional death grip she had on the locket before she cut herself. No part of her wanted to have that awkward conversation with the doctor.

How did this happen? You did it to yourself? Why?

Oh you know, because I’m slowly losing my mind. Nothing makes sense anymore and I feel like I don’t even know myself. Have you ever felt like both doing nothing and doing something is betraying someone you don’t want to betray? No? Well lucky you because it sucks.

The urge to run slammed into her, but she forced herself to remain seated. Mainly because she knew exactly how much voltage ran through those batons the guards carried and being tasered was the last thing she needed. Especially in front of her classmates. Forget her internal battle, the sheer social embarrassment would kill her.

“Brandon Keeves.”

Grief tore at her as the name was tonelessly called out by the nurse on duty. She studiously stared at her lap to avoid the sympathetic gazes of those around her. Ever since nursery, the same dark blond had stepped through the door to the examination room before him. A bounce in her step as if almost daring the doctor to fail her. Her eyes stung, but she fought back the tears that threatened to fall.

“So it’s true then? About Jenna? I’d heard but didn’t know what to believe.”

They were trying to be subtle, but the waiting area was cramped and she recognised each whisper with painful clarity. Acting like Jenna was the most interesting thing that had happened to their compound since a storm almost took out their generator thirteen months ago. She almost wished it had. If their shields had failed, they wouldn’t have survived the elements long enough for her to be dealing with this now.

She snorted internally. That sounded dangerously close to suicidal thoughts and she had no desire to be forced to deal with a therapist. Partly because she didn’t want to talk to a stranger about her grief, but mainly because, just like everything else, therapy was a test. And failing a test in the compound meant one thing: death.

“Has anyone asked Kailey about it? She’s bound to know. They were best friends.”

“She blew me off outside, completely ignored me when I tried asking her about it.”

Biting her tongue to stop herself from lashing out, her nails digging into her palm with her rising resentment, she told herself to ignore them. She knew they weren’t being deliberately unkind. What had happened to Jenna was gossip worthy and teenagers loved gossip.

“Give her a break,” Mark, the self-appointed peacekeeper of the class, interjected and she might have been grateful if it weren’t for his next words. Spoken with such authority, as if he had any idea what it was really like. “It’s never easy when someone you care about sacrifices themselves.”

“There is honour in it though. I can only hope I’d be as brave as her.”

“Of course you would be.” Others rushed to reassure Luke. “We all would.”

Intense rage burnt through her. She imagined herself snapping, imagined letting her tongue run wild, letting herself finally put into words all that she was feeling. But what would be the point? She may cause chaos initially, but things would never change.

She didn’t even know if she wanted them to.

Wasn’t sure if questioning the system that kept them alive was the right thing to do.

If people were truly choosing to sacrifice themselves when they knew they were going to die, or would become a drain on resources the compound couldn’t handle, was it not the best thing? Perhaps morally and ethically wrong to pressure them into making such a decision, but what was the alternative? The harsh truth of the matter was that they didn’t have the resources to care for the terminally ill.

At least that was what they were told.

Something she’d had no reason to doubt until recently.

They lived and breathed the belief that as unforgiving as the laws were, they were necessary. She eyed the guards, a furrow between her brows. She had had been two years away from swearing to protect and uphold those very laws. It had always been Jenna who’d chafed against the restrictions and believed there had to be a better way. Kailey had never thought Jenna would actually go against the government. She was convinced it had been a phase, a teenage rebellion that would pass, but now uncertainty had slowly crept in.

The official story was that Jenna had suddenly developed a neurological disorder. It had happened before with seemingly healthy individuals and no one questioned it. And like those before her, she had sacrificed herself to help her community one last time.

But Kailey knew Jenna as well as she knew herself. In her heart she had always thought it was strange. Jenna was a good person, would always offer to help those in need, but she had thought that the notion of sacrificing oneself was barbaric. Maybe finally confronted with the choice, she had seen the honour in it, but then Kailey had found the note. A note that told a drastically different tale.

One she wasn’t sure she wanted to believe.

One that spun a paranoid tale of poisonings and government conspiracies.

And rebels trying to save them all.

A rebel group she had been a part of.

Kailey should have thrown it away. Jenna’s disease had entered her brain, it had made her delusional. It was probably nothing more than the ramblings of an unsound mind, but it had been written in a code they had concocted as children and hidden in the one place she knew only Kailey would find. And she’d left her locket. Her one possession she used to joke would have to be pried of her cold dead hands.

Kailey’s hands once again rose to grip the locket and she allowed herself to finally admit the one reason she didn’t want the note to be true. It wasn’t because it claimed the government had more resources than they declared and murdered those who threatened their power. Nor was it because it implied Jenna had been killed for being part of the rebel movement trying to expose their lies.

It was because, if it were true, it meant that Jenna had kept secrets from her for years. That the person Kailey had confided every little doubt and insecurity to had been lying to her. The knowledge that her best friend hadn’t trusted her stung more than she cared to admit.

And if she hadn’t trusted her in life, why trust her in death?

Why bring her world crashing down around her now?

Whether the note was true or not, Jenna’s final words to her had left her confused and angry and she hated her a little for it. Guilt stabbed her and she dropped the locket as if she’d been burnt. She was angry at her dead best friend. Dimly she wondered if there was a reward for that.

“Kailey Peterson.”

Kailey jumped so violently she almost fell off her chair. Much to the amusement of her classmates, and even the guards, if their chuckles were anything to go by. Heat tinged her cheeks. Drowning in her own thoughts, she hadn’t heard the two names that had been called before her. Standing up, she wiped her sweaty palms on her trousers and rolled her eyes at her classmates, silently telling them to act their age. She did not chide the guards. One because they outranked her, and two, because despite everything, she still hoped to graduate from their academy one day.

She wasn’t sure when she had made up her mind. It had been sometime between considering that the government might be lying to her and realising that she was angry at Jenna for taking away her ignorance.

She walked towards the open door with confidence. Nothing in her life made sense anymore, her mind constantly spinning with doubts and fears that she’d barely slept since discovering the note. So she did the only thing she could, she made a plan.

She would suffer through the doctor’s examination. She would continue to excel at school. She would get into the guard’s academy and graduate as a cadet. And then she would decide what to do with the information Jenna had given her.

If the government was lying and murdering people to retain power they had to be stopped, but she couldn’t do anything as an eighteen-year-old nobody. Even if those so-called rebels existed, Jenna had gone down that route and had supposedly been killed for it. She would be patient, bide her time, make powerful friends and allies, investigate the claims her best friend had made, and then, if Jenna’s note rang true, she would strike.

She stepped into the cold and sterile medical room, the doctor already motioning her to get undressed before the door closed behind her with a soft click. People always said her generation were impulsive and impatient.

Kailey was going to prove them wrong.