The Mythology of Welding

Welding is a myth.

Not a lot of people know this, but it is true. The joining of two pieces of metal using only heat is physically impossible. I know this because in my adult life I have never been able to successfully make it work. And given that I am somewhat mechanically inclined, and possess above-average intelligence, I must conclude that it is impossible.

I believe there is a guild or fraternal organization whose mission is to perpetuate the illusion and mythology of welding. There are apprentices and journeymen who are taught the secrets of metalworking, and they learn all the tricks used to conceal the truth. When a journeyman reaches a certain level of mastery, they have some kind of pagan ritual involving smoke, fire, and possibly virgin sacrifice…and then they present the initiate with their precious container filled with metal adhesive.

That’s right—metal joinery is all done with glue. All the flames, smoke, and sparks are purely for show and concealment. They serve to distract the casual observer from seeing the “welder” pull out their bottle of metal glue and stick the pieces together. They even came up with some silliness about electrical welding—that you cannot look at the blue arc because it produces UV light that can render you blind in seconds. Poppycock. They just want to make sure you never figure out what is really going on.

The guild keeps its precious adhesive closely guarded. They control the supply and distribution of it, and work to ensure that non-members never get their hands on it. To do so would mean the shattering of the myth. They have been the guardians of that myth since the beginning of the industrial revolution.

I believe this myth is but one of many in our modern world, such as gardening, guitar playing (that’s why the hole is made too small to stick your head into—they don’t want you to be able to see the tiny tape player built inside), and the opening of plastic DVD packaging.

The truth is out there, if you only seek to look behind the illusion.