The Misplaced Condom

“Oh wow, that was great, Honey.”

The condom tethered between the mattress and the headboard for a moment, trying to keep its balance and calming down from the previous excitement. No use though…

*Splat*

Down it fell. It couldn’t see too well and under the bed wasn’t where he was expecting to end up, that’s for sure. He heard the humans above moving around and even though their voices were now muffled, he heard clearly as the woman asked, “Wait. Where did you put the condom?” More shuffling around. Suddenly he could make out the male human’s face on the edge of the bed as he peeked underneath.

‘Yeah, you dropped me back here, you clumsy human.’

However, the face vanished as quickly as it had appeared and the muffled voices from above were hinting at defeat. They had given up the search rather quickly, it seemed.

“Humans don’t pay attention to hidden things. You might as well accept it; you live here now.”

The condom looked around for the voice a bit, until it could finally make out a group of dust balls against the wall beside him. “Was that one of you that said that? It’s hard to see you down here.” One of the dust balls spoke up and replied, “Yeah, it was me. You’ll get used to that too, it stays dark under here.”

The condom looked as best as he could and said, “It’s okay, it was pretty dark where I came from too.” He watched their confused looks a moment before continuing, “Besides, I’m pretty sure my job is over now, so I didn’t really expect the humans to try to find me anyway.”

Despite the rough treatment and total darkness, he had endured for the last 40 minutes or so, he had to admit that he was glad to be out of that tight fitting outfit the human had freed him from. In fact, his whole life had been a series of dark places, really. He had been in a large container with his friends, then separated from several of them and placed into that tight outfit. From then on for the longest time, he couldn’t see anything, but was tossed around and tossed around until suddenly the human opened what sounded like a huge door and pulled him up through the air. Moments later, he was free of the tight outfit, but then endured experiences he wasn’t ready to talk about yet.

What Are You Crying For?

Just then, he could hear faint crying. Obviously, the crying was coming from the white gel that the human had forced him to hold a moment ago. “What’s wrong with you? Why are you crying? The dark isn’t that scary, I promise.”

The faint and whimpering voice came back to him, “It’s not that. It has always been dark where I lived, ever since birth.” Now, the condom was confused. “Oh. So why are you crying?” Silence followed a bit longer than was comfortable before the white gel answered.

“I just feel like I could have been somebody! Now, I’ll probably just dry up with age and never amount to anything!”

A Wet Conclusion

The condom and the dust balls were all silent. None of them were sure how to comfort the white gel. They also did not see the need to tell it that they could already see it drying up, in fact. No need to kick it while it’s down.

The condom, white gel, and even the dust balls, all jumped as the female human’s face instantly appeared at the side of the bed and only a few feet away from them.

“Uh, found the condom, Honey!”

Suddenly, the condom was being pulled through the air again. He said goodbye to the dust balls, while the white gel continued to cry. Before they were too far away, he heard one of the dust balls say, “Of course. They never pick us. We’re all going to die down here.” Then a loud chorus of “Shut up!” from the other dust balls.

Through the air, on and on, the human carried him until they reached a huge white tall pool. Then, without warning, he and the white gel were falling.

*Splash*

He gathered his composure after the impact rather quickly. The white gel began to cheer with joy. “Yay! I’m not dried out. This pool is helping me!” It was then that the condom looked down and noticed the huge hole in the bottom of the pool.

“Well, it looks like we are going wherever that huge hole leads.” The gel stopped cheering and once again looked sad and confused. “Nah, I’m sure we are meant to just float here from now on. We’ll be fine.” To which the condom replied, “Trust me… going in holes is sort of what I do. We’re going in soon.”

Sure enough, the water began to swirl rapidly and pulled them down and into the hole. As they swirled and swished and plummeted further and further down, the condom yelled, “See? Told you!”

For what seemed like forever, they rushed through tunnels filled with water, being tossed one way and then the other. That is, until they finally shot out and into a huge pool full of tons of different items. There, they found many other condoms; some with other white gel, among hundreds of other items. They made new friends there.

They were happy for the passing months. Sometimes their friends would be carried off into some mechanical thing, but they were sure it was fine. Then after months of hanging out in that huge pool, it was their turn, and they too rode the big ride and into the mechanical thing.

Their End The End