The Misadventures of a Wannabe Indiana Jones

Blackness still surrounds me even as I am gaining consciousness. My head is throbbing, and I can’t seem to open my eyes for the life of me. Something tells me that I don’t want to open them and stay in the comfort and peace of the darkness. I allow myself to stay in this somewhere in between state of consciousness for a few more precious moments. That is until a jerk startles me to full consciousness. The curiosity getting the better of me, I open my eyes. I blink a few times, adjusting my eyes. Even though the light is low, it still takes a few moments to adjust. I feel the jerky movements and know that I am on a train. Okay, that explains the question where am I? I think to myself. Perhaps the two more significant questions I still need answers to are; Where am I going? and how did I get on the train in the first place? I check my pockets for clues to help me determine the answers to one or both of those questions. I realize that I have no ticket for the train in the first place. I have $2.44, a tiny pocketknife, and no passport or other ID. In my other pocket, I have a cellphone that is down to less than fifteen percent battery life. Hanging from my belt loop is a small flashlight.

I realize that my head is still throbbing. I put my hand to my head and felt something sticky. Okay, I have to add the “why am I bleeding?” list of other questions. I think with a slight groan. I look around and realize that I am alone in a boxcar train. No seats. No other people. Just me lying on the floor. There are no windows to look out of, and it is pitch black in here. I feel the panic starting to rise in me. My face feels hot; I can feel the sweat drops dripping down my face. My breathing becomes shallow, that throbbing in my head becomes more intense, and I start to become convinced that I am, in fact, having a heart attack. My vision starts to blur, and I feel as though I may pass out. Come on, Jac, hold it together. Now is not the time to pass out from a panic attack. That is what you’re having. Come on, box breathing time. Inhale very slowly through your nose for 5 seconds. Hold it for 5 seconds. Now exhale for 5 seconds. Repeat. I coach myself through my breathing technique and continue until the panic starts to subside. Through my breathing exercises, I begin to hyper-focus on figuring out how I got onto this train and, more importantly, how the hell I am going to get off of it.

With a renewed sense of calm, I check my pockets one more time for any clues that might trigger a memory of how I got onto the train in the first place. Nothing in my jeans pockets other than that $2.44, knife, cellphone, and some lent. As I lean forward to bury my head in my hands in frustration, I notice that my button-down shirt has a pocket, and not only that but there is also something in that pocket! I pull it out to look at it, and an instant flashback is triggered. In an instant, everything has come back to me.

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Two days earlier

The flight had been long from New York to Siem Reap, and I had a little longer to get to Beng Mealea, my final destination. Most people don’t bother to see the temple because it is a pain to get there. Tourists must have Cambodian driver’s licenses even to drive motorized scooters. It’s 41 miles from Siem Reap, so too far to cycle for most. Being an archaeologist and on business, I have a private driver to take me. Before we start our drive to Beng Mealea, we stop at a market to shop and walk around before we get back in another mode of transportation to our final destination. Browsing the shops, I find a little Apsara Dancer At Rest wooden statue. I buy it as a memento of my time here on a whim. It is time to leave the market and head to the vehicle to continue our journey.

We pull up to the temple overrun by the jungle, and the sense of wild beauty hits me all at once. Still, such a beautiful temple and somehow being overrun by jungle has intensified that beauty. I get out of the car and begin to set up. I have work to do; I am not here as a tourist. I scold myself. I am out here looking for the five-headed Naga that I firmly believe is still out here somewhere. All my research conducted shows that it should still be here. I set up my main base camp and set to work with the four Ph.D. students that have made this journey with me.

We work all day without much luck finding it. However, we find other lesser treasures. We pack it for the day and set up our tents and sleeping bags. We will resume in the morning. We make a campfire tonight, settle down with a bottle of Golden Muscle Wine, and pass the bottle around, laughing at each other’s faces as they try to swallow the vile alcohol. This is not my first rodeo when it comes to Golden Muscle, and I know it packs quite the punch. After just a couple of sips, I have had enough. I caution my students to slow down as we have work to do in the morning. With that, I bid them one more “choul mouy” and a good night and allowed the buzz of the alcohol and the sounds of the jungle to lull me to sleep.

I am the first to awaken the following morning. I get dressed, put on my khaki button-down shirt, place my Apsara statue in my shirt pocket, and button it there so it will not fall out. I notice my students are still passed out, and I roll my eyes at them before grabbing a pot to bang to wake everyone up. “Rise and shine, people; we have treasure to find,” I say in my most singsong and obnoxious voice. It has the desired effect, and my students groan as they begin to stir. I can’t help but twist the knife a little more, “I warned you to be careful with the Golden Muscle.” To which I get more groans in response.

Hours later, we are working in the jungle. Morale is at a low point. We’re all sweaty and hot. Four of the five of us are still hungover, and so far, we have not come close to finding anything remotely interesting. Such is archaeology. Suddenly Brian, one of my students, shouts out that he has found something. We all run over to where he is, and there it is! The five-headed Naga. We all whoop with excitement. For me, it has been years of research and countless hours of networking, schmoozing, and laughing way too hard at lame jokes, all in trying to get funding and sponsorship. This moment is everything to me. We all start to dig it out of the earth as gently as we can as we do not know how delicate the condition may be. It takes us a while to fully unearth it; just as we are about to pull it from the ground, we hear the leaves of the jungle rustling and movement heading towards us. I look up in time to see armed men with their guns drawn, pointing them right at us. At that moment, I also realized that one of my students, Statler, was among them. It is just Katie, Brian, Becky, and me. Statler tells me to back away from the Naga. I am frozen in confusion, so that command takes me a moment to register. I go from confused to angry in point five seconds, though. The Naga is my find! I have worked most of my career so far for this moment. I am not giving up without a fight! In a moment of either bravery or stupidity, I stand my ground.

All at once, the men charge, and bullets begin to fly. I took karate as a kid; I totally have this. I think as they rush at me all at once. I get a couple of good hits before I am hit in the head by the butt of a gun. Maybe I don’t have this. It was my last conscious thought before I was surrounded by darkness.

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Present

Statler, that son of a bitch. I shake my head in anger. The movement reminds me of my throbbing headache, and I grasp at my head in pain. I need to think here. I realized then that I had no idea where Brian, Katie, and Becky were or if they were still alive. I look around my surroundings again but do not see anybody on the train other than me. I slowly start to stand up. The first order of business is to try to find my students. I walk around the empty train car, looking for anything that might be able to tell me anything at all. I notice a door to the other cars, so I walk over and open the door. There is a slight gap, but I should be able to make it safely, right?

I decide that I like my odds of success, close my eyes and take a deep breath, then open my eyes and step across. I then open the door to the next car and step inside. This car, like mine, is dark and empty, except for someone tied to a chair in the middle of the car. Brian. He is asleep, so I walk over and gently shake him awake. When he sees that it is me, I wrap my arms around him in a tight hug. We both relished in that hug and the human touch connection we had been devoid of.

“I thought you were dead.” He whispers to me.

“Nope. Just unconscious for a while. Bitch of a headache, though.” I whisper back. “Where are the others?”

“They separated us. They are on this train somewhere. Hey, how come they didn’t tie you up?”

“I guess they figured I would be unconscious a lot longer than I was and didn’t need to,” I answer. “I showed them,” I say with a slight smirk. “Are you hurt?”

“No. We all surrendered when you were knocked out. They did not hurt us.” Brian responded.

“Let’s get you untied so we can find the others and figure out a way out of this mess.”

I start to try to untie the knots but quickly realize that I am never going to be able to untie these knots. I pull out my pocketknife and begin to saw at the rope. It is slow going as the knife is small and, quite frankly, not the sharpest. First thing I am doing if/when I get home is investing in a sharper knife. Well, after a nice long bubble bath and an even longer nap. I think in frustration at how slow this is going. I finally have one arm freed. Three more limbs to go, and he is free. A few minutes later, he was released from the binds and able to stand up, although he stumbled due to a lack of blood flow in his legs. He stumbles into me, and we fall in a heap. Our faces were inches from one another, eyes as wide as saucers. The next moment, I leaned up and pressed my lips to his. He kissed back for a moment before we both pulled back, each of us with a look of horror. The whole thing just struck us funny, and we both started laughing. We laughed until we cried. When we both managed to get ourselves back under control again, he finally rolled off from on top of me, stood up with a little more success this time, and then gave me his hand to help me. We snuck out of the car and headed to the next car, hoping to find either Katie or Becky. Unfortunately, this car is empty, so we keep moving. We find success in the following car finding, Becky. Like Brian, Becky is tied to a chair in the middle of the car. She is also sleeping. We shake her awake, and Brian pulls out his pocketknife and begins to cut her free. I start on the other side, and working together; we free her quickly.

Learning from the incident with Brian, we both grab onto Becky to give her support while she gets the blood flow back in her legs. Then the three of us wordlessly set out to find Katie. The next car was empty, but if the pattern held, Katie would be in the next car. Sure enough, there she was. She was also tied to a chair. She screamed when the door to the car opened. All three of us put our fingers to our mouths in the universal sign for silence. Her body visibly relaxed when she realized that it was just us. We all ran over to her and started to cut her free. Her breathing remained shallow and fast. She was still on the verge of a panic attack. I knelt to get eye level with her, and together we did box breathing until her breathing was slower and steadier. We all had a group hug, relieved that we were all alive and together. We then sit down in a circle to figure out our plan.

“What happened after I was knocked out? Brian told me you surrendered, but what happened after that? How did we end up on a train?” I asked the main questions I had.

“As I said, we surrendered. We put our hands up and got on our knees. Statler and the men he was with took the Naga from us. A man picked you up and threw you over his shoulder. Other armed men pointed their guns at our back and made us walk with them. They had a truck waiting, and we were all thrown in the back of the truck and driven back to Siem Reap. By this time, it was dark, so it was hard to see. I don’t think we went to the main train station, but a smaller one or maybe even one that isn’t used anymore, I don’t know. They blindfolded us, so we could no longer see, and we were taken to different cars and tied to a chair. I don’t know how long it was after that when you came and found me.”

None of us said anything after Brian finished telling me what had happened and allowed me time to process it. I opened my mouth and closed it a few times before I could manage successfully to get any words to come out.

“Sounds to me like we have two options. Sit here and wait for the train to stop and them to come to get and do whatever they will do, or we try to get the Naga back and fight back.”

After some discussion, we decided to find the Naga and try to get it back. None of us are convinced that we will just be released once we get to wherever it is we are going to. We are on what appears to be an abandoned train. We are its only passengers. I am a five-foot-nothing woman whose fitness level leaves a lot to be desired, and I am not exactly the epitome of grace, so I know that I would not be able to overpower them. I still had a bump on my head and a throbbing headache as a fresh reminder of how well that last overpowering attempt went. Becky is probably in the best shape of the three of us. Perhaps though, we could outsmart them. We are banking on that. We agree that the first thing we need to do is find the Naga. See how many, if any, guards are protecting it. We set off to find the car with the Naga in it.

After several empty cars, we open the door to step out onto the next car; when a single guard catches our attention, we slip back inside the car and close the door as fast as we cannot be seen. We nod at each other; that has to be the car with the Naga in it if it is being guarded. We just need to figure out how to get past the guard. Again, none of us, save for Becky, are that athletic. Not to mention, all we have on us as far as potential weapons are pocketknives. Mine was dull, to begin with, and got duller with every cut of the rope I made. Indiana Jones, I am not.

“How are we going to dispose of the guard?” Katie asked.

We all stare at each other, hoping one of us has a possible answer to that question. None of us do right off the top of our heads. Becky finally speaks up.

“We could sneak up behind him and attack.”

“Attack with what? All we have are pocketknives. I’m about 20 pounds overweight, Katie is a few pounds underweight, and Brian has a heart condition. That leaves you!” I exclaim in response to Becky.

“We have to think of something!”

“Maybe the four of us together can overpower him.” Brian thinks aloud.

With a plan set, we all know our roles. Katie cautiously opens the door to look out. She sees the guard turn the corner on the platform and is facing this way. She slides back into the car. We wait, approximating it will take him thirty seconds to walk to the other side of the platform where his back will be toward us. We are all hoping that we are correct in that approximation. Katie opens the door and peeks out just as the guard turns the corner with his back to us. Katie gives the signal, and we all creep out onto the platform, with Becky at the front. We creep up on him as stealthily as we can. We attempt to use our combined strength to throw him off the train when we reach him. He is much stronger than we anticipated and is not going as planned. He elbows Brian in the face that knocks him down. Katie is able to grab him, so he doesn’t fall off the platform, but they both stumble and are down momentarily. That gives the guard an opening to hit Becky in the head with the butt of the gun, successfully rendering her unconscious. Crap. That just leaves me. I launch myself at the guard so he cannot hit me in the head with the gun, and we wrestle. I am no match for him; he quickly has me on my back at the platform’s edge. All I could do was hold onto his shirt with a death grip, which I didn’t know I was capable of. He punches me in the face, which pains me enough to momentarily release my grip on him. Now my head, shoulders, and upper back are hanging off the platform. If I don’t think of something immediately, I will be thrown off the platform! Katie and Brian are making their way over to us; the guard notices them approaching. I used that brief distraction to my advantage, and with abdominal strength, I didn’t know I had, I did the most critical sit-up of my life and used my fingers to gauge his eyes. He screamed in pain, clutching his eyes, allowing Katie and Brian to shove him off the platform. We reached for Becky, still out cold, to pull her closer to us. We all huddle together for a moment catching our breath and convincing ourselves that we are okay. Katie then opens the door to the car, and she and Brian step inside. There it is. The Naga. They walk over to it and begin to lift it to carry it out of the car. The problem? It is heavier than expected. Too heavy to carry back to the original car where I was. The plan had been to sneak it out as soon as the train stopped. Brian helps me carry Becky inside so we can think of a plan B.

We gather around the Naga, none of us saying anything at first, all deep in thought about how to get off the train undetected with this Naga. I finally speak up.

“We have two choices. We abandon the idea of bringing the Naga with us, we go back to my car, and when the train stops, we sneak out of the cars. We cut our losses with the Naga but escape with our lives. Or we try to find a way to get the Naga off with us. We are no match for them physically.”

“I know how hard and how many years you have worked trying to find the Naga. It is hard to wrap my head around, leaving it behind now.” Katie is the first to give her thoughts.

“I know. Believe me, I know. It breaks my heart to think of the years I have spent trying to find this thing, all for it to end like this.” I take a deep breath before continuing. “I also know that no object is anyone worth dying over. Two of us have been injured trying to fight for it. One of us is still unconscious.”

“The Naga is made of bronze. Bronze is a pretty strong material. What if we push the Naga off the platform when the train starts to slow down, and then we jump. If the train is slow enough, we should be able to jump from the platform without seriously injuring ourselves.” Brian starts thinking out loud.

“Okay. How slow is slow enough? Also, what about Becky?” I question.

“I took physics in college. On my word, we jump. Trust me on this one. We will have to see if we can rouse Becky beforehand.”

We all look at each other and nod in agreement. We are all in. We stay in this car to conserve energy and wait until Brian tells us to jump. The first thing, though, is to see if we can wake Becky. We can, after a few failed first attempts. We go over the plan with her, and she nods in agreement.

About an hour or so after we make our plan, Brian gives us the word that the train is starting to slow down. We start psyching ourselves up to jump from a moving train. This is some proper Indiana Jones stuff! We are ready. The four of us can lift the Naga and carry it to the platform outside of the train car. We notice that the sun is just starting to rise. It is still pitch-black outside and hard to see. Although the city lights are close, it looks like we are still in the jungle. Now is the perfect time to jump. Brian nods his head, and we push the Naga off the platform. Now our moment has come. It is our turn to jump. I’m not too fond of this.

I take my apsara out of my shirt pocket and rub it for good luck. I put it back in my pocket, took a deep breath, and jumped. I am airborne for just a few seconds before hitting the ground. I tucked midair, so when I hit, I rolled. It was still a hard landing, and I am pretty sure probably the least graceful-looking landing to ever happen. Please just don’t let me hit a tree. I plead with any deity willing to listen. I managed not to hit any trees, although I rolled over plenty of sharp branches, and I am pretty sure my head is bleeding again. I eventually came to a stop. I look around for the others. I slowly stand up and start walking, looking for the others.

I come across Katie first, and we hug. As we are embracing, Becky wraps her arms around us. Now we need to find Brian and the Naga, and we are home free. We stumble along in the dark, looking for Brian or the Naga; as we stumble closer to the train tracks, we hear a pained groan. Brian is up against a tree. We can tell instantly he has a very significant wound. Brian hit a tree when he was rolling. Like Becky and I, he has a head injury and a significant leg injury. Becky will stay with Brian while Katie and I go to search for the Naga.

After a few minutes of looking, we finally stumbled across it. We both looked at each other in relief. We hugged and lifted the Naga and tried to carry it back to Brian, although we soon realized it was too far to move. We decide to shallow bury it by a tree and mark it with an x using Katie’s pocketknife. We make our way back to Brian and Becky.

Katie and I are hiking towards the city lights, deciding to leave Becky and Brian where they were, and we will get help and come back for them. I had a pretty good idea that we were approaching Bangkok. I have some business connections in the city that would be willing to help us. We come to the city’s outskirts; I can tell that it is Bangkok. We high-fived each other and kept walking. I have only been to Bangkok a handful of times, so I am unfamiliar with the city. I am relieved to find a café we can sit down. I pull out my cellphone and power it back up. My Thai leaves a lot to be desired, but I manage to communicate that I need to use their phone. I look up Lachlan, my business connection’s phone number, and hope the battery doesn’t die. I dial the number. One ring. Two rings. Come on; please answer—three Rings and then a hello in a deep Scottish brogue. Oh, thank Christ. I offer up a prayer in relief. I quickly tell him the condensed version of our adventure so far and ask him for his help. He quickly agrees to help and tells us to give him a few minutes, and he will meet us where we are.

Forty-five minutes later, we were in Lachlan’s jeep and headed back out towards the jungle where we came. We will take the jeep as far as we can and walk the rest of the way. Lachlan recruited a few men to help, some of which are medics. About a mile from Brian and Becky, we have to get out and hike the rest of the way. We soon come across them, and the medics immediately work on Brian. The rest of the men follow me to where the Naga was buried. They are able to lift it and carry it back to where we parked the jeeps. Soon we see the medics taking Brian back to the jeeps with the others following close behind. I close my eyes in relief. Somehow, some way, this managed to turn out okay. We get in the jeeps, and we head back to Bangkok. Lachlan promises to take care of the Naga while we all get checked out at the hospital, and our wounds tended.

I am finally about to be released from the hospital as the sun rises. My head wound was cleaned, and there was no significant damage. I received a few stitches at my hairline, but that was the extent. I am lying in my bed, dozing off and on, when Statler walks through the door. Of course, he is armed.

“Where is the Naga?” he demands. I don’t answer. He points the gun at my face. “I won’t ask you again.”

I hesitate to answer. I really don’t know where Lachlan took it. “I don’t know.”

“Bullshit!” He shouts in rage. “I know you have it. Where is it?” He takes a step toward and cocks the gun.

“I really don’t know where it is. I was brought here to the hospital. I don’t know where it is at the moment. I swear.”

He looks me in the eye, spins around, and leaves the room. Somehow, I don’t think that is the last I will see of Statler. I doze off and sleep for a while longer.

I am finally discharged along with Katie and Becky. Brian needs to stay a bit longer. We are making our way to Lachlan. I had called Lachlan to warn him that Statler may follow us and that we needed to be ready. We pull up to where Lachlan is keeping the Naga for us, and sure enough, Statler pursues us, and soon he and his men surround us. Unfortunately for Statler, the Thai police had been notified, and they were at the ready. They surround Statler and his men. Knowing that they are defeated, they lay down their guns and surrender. We are free at last of Statler. The Naga is safe. It will be cleaned up and hopefully taken to a museum somewhere.

All in all, this adventure turned out just fine. Although, I am still going home, having a long, hot bubble bath, and then napping for the next two months. I sigh in relief and smile at that thought.