The Milky Way Express

“Typical,” thought Elsie, taking a seat on the bus, “just typical.”

The same day she gets evicted from her flat, she gets fired....Eight years in the same tiny cubicle and what did she have to show for it? A company logo mouse pad, a snoopy pencil head, and a “hang in there” cat poster...

After two bus changes, she struggled up the four flights of creaky wooden stairs, which was made all that much harder due to the box cramped with borrowed office supplies. She tore down the final eviction notice on the door as she stepped inside.

“Afternoon,” said a figure sitting in her chair by the window, feet up on the desk.

Elsie screamed, dropping the box and sending a few dozen note pads, tubs of paper clips, and number two pencils scattering across the floor.

“Geez, Kevin, you scared me half to death!”

“Been a little light fingered, have we? Now, I’m not mad, just... disappointed.”

“Oh, shut up,” Elsie scoffed while kneeling down to pick up the supplies. “What do you want?”

“Well, since you asked so nicely, I’m here to give you a present actually,” he said, spinning in the chair, with a rather smug look upon his face.

“How did you even get in here?” Elsie asked, while putting the last of the pencils back into the carboard box.

“Don’t you want to know what it is?”

“I’m really not in the mood for one of your games right now,” she sighed, flopping onto her bed.

“Well, what an ungrateful little brat you are! Fine, forget it. I’ll give it to someone more deserving… like Stacey from marketing,” he said, standing up in mock anguish.

“Keviiiin...” she moaned.

“Alright, look,” he said, sitting on the end of the bed. “You’re the wrong side of 30, can’t keep a boyfriend, soon to be homeless, with no job...and I’m basically you’re only mate.”

“I don’t think I like this present very much…” she said sitting up to scowl at him.

“Shut up. So, anyway, you don’t have a lot going for you is what I’m getting at. Soooo, I’ve decided you qualify.”

“Qualify for what?”

“To share the secret with you.”

“That’s it? A secret?”

“Pffftt. This isn’t just any old secret! Now, come along!”

And with that, he grabbed her hand and dragged her back down to the street. They walked around for a while, Elsie trotting to keep up, nagging Kevin about what exactly they were looking for, until he finally said, “Ah ha!” pointing at a red telephone box. He pushed her inside and followed in himself.

“There’s no room! Let me wait outside,” she complained.

He motioned for her to wait, picked up the receiver and dialed. Elsie was about to take great pleasure in reminding him he needed to put the money in first, when she heard a voice on the other end.

Kevin answered, “58447, requesting transport.”

Bewildered, Elsie gasped as the outside world went dark. It suddenly felt as though they were traveling very fast, lights and colors flashing past the window panes before they made an abrupt stop.

Elsie pushed her way outside, falling to her knees. “I think I’m going to be sick,” she groaned. But then, looking at the ground, instead of pavement, she found it was shiny white marble. She lifted her head and her heart leapt from her chest.

“Welcome, to the Milky Way Station!” announced Kevin, beaming as he helped her up.

Looking all around, she saw they were in an enormous railway station, with hundreds of humans… but other creatures too. She was so engrossed by all there was to see that she bumped into the back of someone. Turning around to apologize, she found herself face to face with a man in a business suit with the head of a fish. He gurgled something at her, while brushing off his sleeve before storming off.

“What… is this place, Kevin?”

He went on to explain that this was only one of thousands of train stations, each connecting the other planets across the galaxy. Apparently, he wasn’t actually Kevin Robinson from Huddersfield, but Kevin Morax from a little planet called Fondue (which happened to be no mere coincidence, but rather due to a former prime minister, having once visited Earth, and becoming so delighted with the cheesy goodness, decided to rename the planet).

“So, hang on, you’re some sort of human-alien hybrid who has the ability to travel the entire universe, to go anywhere you could possibly ever want, explore the wonders of the galaxy…and you’ve been living in a bedsit in Surrey for the past five years?”

“What’s wrong with my bedsit? I just re-wallpapered…,” he said indignantly.

“And what’s with the name? You’re from an alien planet, millions of lightyears away, and your parents called you... Kevin?”

“They went to Earth on their honeymoon, liked the name,” he shrugged.

“Why did you never tell me this before?” Elsie asked earnestly.

“Well, strictly speaking, we’re not really allowed to tell creatures from uncivilized planets.”

“Uncivilized?!”

“Hey, I’m not knocking humans, I’m half human on my mum’s side, but…,” he winced, “you do spend a lot of your time blowing each other up, to be fair.”

Elsie wanted to argue a counterpoint, but couldn’t think of one, so just asked, “So what now?”

“Well, we can go anywhere you want!”

“Erm…where is there to go…?” she asked naively.

Thirty minutes later, after a lot of brochure gazing and debate, they decided to start on a plant called Krogin.

“Come join the universe’s longest party in Krogin, where the sun never rises!” enticed the advertisement.

“You’re gonna love it,” Kevin said excitedly as they boarded a train and took their seats.

“They have endless night there, so the carnival never ends. Oh, and they have this bar called Polly’s on top of a volcano. Every time it erupts, drinks are on the house!”

A glamourous lady with blue skin and purple hair, wearing a shockingly form fitting uniform, came strolling down the aisle asking for tickets.

“Oh, and we absolutely have got to go to the lakes of fire. They have fifty percent off fire on Thursdays...,” Kevin was saying as the train began to move.

“Shhh…,” hissed Elsie. She put her hands on the window and watched with glee as the train pulled out of the station. For a few moments, they plunged into complete darkness before bursting out into open space. Her wide eyes reflected the countless stars all around them. The train had a glass roof, so the entire carriage gave the illusion that they were floating in a vast, dark velvet sea. She knew they must be traveling very fast, but the ride was as smooth as a paper boat gliding on a lake.

A while later, having lost herself in thought, she felt a tap on her shoulder. A creature that looked remarkably like a lizard, handed her a leaflet, then turned to the couple opposite and did the same, before moving on down the compartment. Looking at it, she asked Kevin what it said.

Kevin had purchased a small mountain of snacks from the trolley. With a mouthful of something that resembled blue fudge, he answered, “Oh, it’s in Tarbuckian. It’s just one of those rebel group things, trying to get support, ya know,” he said nonchalantly.

“What’s Tarbuckian?”

“There’s a planet on the way to Korgin, called Tarbuck. It’s one of our stops. They speak a few languages there, but the main one’s Tarbuckian. Anyway, it got taken over by a rival planet about fifty years ago.”

“And no one came to their aid?”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that…The other planet’s called Razar. They’re a right nasty bunch, those Razarians. Fiercest army in the galaxy, unbeatable.”

“That’s terrible,” said Elsie, looking down at the flier. It had an artist’s impression of humanoid like beings, being stood upon by an army of mean faced creatures.

“Yeah, but what can you do?” shrugged Kevin, stuffing a handful of sweets into his mouth.

“Well, you really seem cut up about it…”

“Hey, look, it’s a rotten old business, but what can I do?”

Elsie shot him an annoyed look, but couldn’t think of anything clever to say, so stared out the window. She supposed they’re must be countless planets with atrocities going on out there…

They made their first stop a short time later at a desert like planet. The beings there wore long robes that protected them from three blazing suns. Next, they pulled into a planet that was so cold the windows were covered in thick ice within seconds. Three giant balls of wool stepped aboard. When they removed their outerwear, Elsie realized they were actually humans with elaborate markings all over their faces. She was enthralled by each brief glimpse into the other worlds.

Several stops later, they finally pulled into Tarbuck. The sky was so covered with smog coming from giant factory chimneys it was hard to make out if it was day or night. There were guards with pig-like faces, wearing brass helmets and carrying long spears, pacing around a dystopian courtyard.

Other civilian Razarians were also in the yard, waiting to board. They wore luxurious looking silks and velvets. The human looking Tarbuckians, on the other hand, wore tattered, simple cloth materials.

Beyond the immediate station, there were miles of slums with small wooden shelters tightly packed together. Far in the distance, there rose a glistening city with tall golden buildings, far from the smog filled slums.

Elsie suddenly gasped and instinctively ran from the train out into the courtyard when she saw a young beggar girl get tossed aside by a guard. The child was pushed into the street and was almost runover by some wealthy Razarians riding in an elaborately decorated carriage. Elsie pulled her out of the way just in time. The passengers seemed to neither notice nor care.

“Where’s your family?” Elsie asked.

The girl, looking frightened, replied in a strange language.

“Elsie! What on Fondue are you doing?!” hissed Kevin with clenched teeth, looking around nervously.

“Ask her if she’s okay, will you?”

“Elsie… this is seriously...” Kevin began.

“Just ask her!” she interrupted.

He sighed and tired his best to use the little Tarbuckian he knew.

The girl answered without looking at them.

“Well?”

“She…asked if we have any food,” Kevin told her.

The train chimed, meaning it was about to depart.

“We have to go,” Kevin insisted.

“We have to help!”

“Elsie, please!” he said, tugging at her sleeve, trying to pull her towards the train. “This place is nothing like Earth, you have no idea of the dangers out here.”

“Let’s take her with us?”

“We’d be dead before we left the station! It’s illegal for any Tarbuckians to leave the planet.”

Elsie looked over to the train as it chimed the last warning. A peculiar feeling washed over her. She felt as though this place, this god forsaken planet she knew nothing about this morning, was exactly where she was meant to be today.

“I'm staying here.”

“Okay, fine. That’s just fine. Go and start a revolution for all I care!” he said, storming off towards the train.

Once Kevin reached the doors however, he turned to stare back at the scene. Elsie was kneeling down, giving the small girl her overcoat. He sighed, and took something out of his pocket. It was a small box. Inside there was a heart shaped locket, a locket he had been trying to give Elsie for the past five years. The train departed as he walked back over. He kneeled down beside the child and put the locket in her hand, telling her in broken Tarbuckian that she could sell it for food.

Elsie gave him a hug. Over her shoulder, he watched the train leave them behind and sighed facetiously, “I knew I should have taken Stacey from marketing…”