The Love She Gives

For a long time, I searched for what could fulfill me being disappointed in myself if it didn’t work out or if it just plain didn’t seem like what I thought it would seem like. But early this week I had a discovery within after doing much self-discovering especially after I was forced too in order to get over a mental illness, I had subjected to a couple of years back. I realized that someone like me searches and searches for something to fulfill us only to find an emptiness in trying to fit into the world around us. What I mean by that is we expect something to fulfill us only to find that it isn’t that something that can fulfill us but what rather what can come from within. Within, what does that even mean? I realized that for so long I was escaping myself trying to be someone else because I didn’t like who I thought I was or what I saw in the mirror. Losing myself completely in a mental illness that brought me into such a dark place I can’t even begin to describe the agony that comes with it. Then, I realized only recently that the only way I can overcome this is if I learn to find ways in which the little things, I’m able to do. I’m able to fall in love with about myself. So, I realized I was a pretty good writer when I was able to complete essay after essay in college and get good grades on it. When I was younger, a teacher told me that my ability to describe something at such a young age was remarkable and I’ll never forget that. It’s not just writing where I find myself feeling happy to express myself in a way that is presumably better then when I’m speaking but my ability to listen to someone and give them my best short affiliated advice to help them in their life. My ability to understand someone is the best part of me and that is when I find myself most fulfilled. However, it is my greatest weakness because I tend to forgive very easily sometimes in an instant I forgive. Which can cause me more hurt then justice in life. But I rather not focus on that fear. Instead I would like to tell a little story where I saved a life by understanding them. My best friend had the greatest most complicated mother and she had an impeccable physical illness where the lungs start to slowly collapse. She was so afraid of COVID-19 that she stayed couped up in her room all day. My best friend worked at amazon for a living and while he was there his mom fell and couldn’t pick herself up, so the paramedics came broke the door down and took her to a rehab. She was having trouble breathing and there or at the hospital they sent her too is where we believe she got COVID-19. She unfortunately passed away from it not too long after. Me and him where so devastated we cried for hours while he told me on the phone that she was gone, and he couldn’t believe it. It was when I understood his pain from losing my aunt years ago when I was young. That I told him, “I know this pain it’s unlike any other pain in the world”. “There is no way to fix it but the only way to get through it and allow your feelings to feel”. That was the best advice I could give him. We all experience trauma differently and while he went out with a new friend one night and drank his life away. While, swallowing pain pills and the attempt to put the push the pain away with alcohol and drugs lead to him almost dying. I went to the hospital and luckily, they let me in. I held his hand and I told him I understood why he tried to take the pain away and to please come back because I needed him. He woke up and the guilt he felt was all over his face. I told him not to feel that way we all make mistakes and ever since I’ve known him, he’s always been strong. This time it wasn’t something that he could be strong about and I understood. He recovered thankfully and now he calls me every week, or I call him, and we talk about his pain before he does something mistakenly. It has been six months since then and I have thankfully been able to get through to him on many occasions. It’s a hard task but I know pain all too well not to feel it with him.