The loneliness in time

It's been almost 2 years since the "new crown epidemic" started, and I hope it will end soon and everything will be restored to peace. 2021 is already half over, and it's almost the end of October. Lamenting the time like flowing water, hurriedly passed; lamenting those gradually lost in time, can never come back ... Perhaps, they are in another time and space is starting another mysterious journey...

I stood outside the window, the autumn wind blowing, hair with the wind, looking at the lights outside, only to feel some loneliness... I often hear friends around me say, "Loneliness is a kind of enjoyment", but in my opinion, loneliness is a kind of faint sadness. There is no one around, no one to talk to, and only the coldness surrounds me, so I can't seem to take this loneliness as a kind of enjoyment.

I remember that from the time I was in kindergarten, my father and mother went to work overseas, leaving me and my young brother and grandparents at home, so my brother and I became "left-behind children". From then on, my father and mother came home less often, often only during the summer and winter vacations or New Year's Eve, and I remember that sometimes even New Year's Eve did not come back. During the year we saw our father and mother only a handful of times, and we missed them twice as much.

I remember one time, just after the eighth day of the New Year, my father and mother began to pack their bags that night, I was very upset because I knew they would leave tomorrow, so that night my sadness began to accumulate in the bottom of my heart. That night, my brother and I slept in the middle of my father and mother, and we held their arms tightly, not daring to let go for a moment. The night was too short. The day dawned, I opened my sleepy eyes, hazy to see the back of my father and mother with luggage out of the room, I woke up, barefoot and chased out. The moment my tears can no longer be tied up, tears like a flood of that raging, hissing and crying, want them not to go. I cried very loudly, my brother woke up and came out wobbly, he was silent, as if he knew and as if he did not know, he just held his hands on the door and looked dumbly at all this, this time his brother was only about two or three years old. I kept crying and tugging at my mother's coat, hoping she could take me with her, and I cried and my mother cried. My father just turned his head away and didn't say anything, but his body was trembling a little. After a long time, my mother gave me and my brother a thick cotton coat and said, "Take us with you. At that time, I thought it was true. My mother picked me up and I held her thin neck and leaned into her arms, which were very soft and warm in the cold winter.

After that, I went to town with my brother, my mother and father, and of course my grandmother in a tricycle. (Because we were still living in the old house at that time, we needed to take a bus to the town to go out of town.) I do not understand why the grandmother also want to go, anyway, I can go to the field with my mother and father is enough. When we arrived in town, we got off the bus and my mother said she would take us to see the zoo, and it just so happened that there was an animal show in town at that time, so she bought us tickets to go in. I did not expect to see my father and mother "sneaking" away when I was fascinated by the show. I looked at the candy cane in my hand, and instantly cried... After that, I often dreamed of my father and mother at night, tears soaked the pillow...

Later, our family moved to the city, and I went to elementary school. By the first and second years of junior high school, I had been living alone at home, so I had always been more understanding and independent. For various reasons, when my brother was in the fifth grade, he followed my father and mother to study abroad, and it was only when I was in my junior year that my father and mother decided to come back to work by the family.

Until now I grew up, I became more independent, to now work alone in the field, the ability to live on their own without worrying at all. I don't know how many nights I spent alone with heavy rain and thunder; how many times I ate cold dinners alone; how many times I carried heavy luggage during school vacations... I can't remember how I came to be at that time. Although I am now very independent, but also the most insecure. After I understood the situation, I understood that my father and mother had no choice but to do so, and that every parent loves their children as much as they love their own lives. I do not blame, now I, whenever I see my father and mother's head that faintly white hair; whenever I see their original smooth face a lot more wrinkles time. My heart, like a needle stabbing that, that kind of heartache ... I am growing up, but they are growing old... It's loneliness. As they grow old and slowly walk towards the end of time, I wish I could go slower and slower... I am afraid that I will end up back at the beginning, alone again, with only the endless thoughts...

The deeper the night, the colder the wind, the more people grow up, the lonelier they are. Twenty years or so, I still can't get used to this kind of loneliness, not to mention treating it as a kind of enjoyment. This kind of loneliness is like when you are busy all day and you return to your place and no one greets you and no one speaks to you, at this moment loneliness seizes the gap and enters; this kind of loneliness is like when it is cold and you are walking on the street and no one gives you a coat when the wind blows; this kind of loneliness is like waking up from a nightmare in the middle of the night and no one holds you tight and says don't be afraid...

Finally, I hope that life can give you and me a set of armor, so that we can be invincible and fearless on the road of life. If loneliness can't be a kind of enjoyment for the time being, just get used to it and accept this special gift from life slowly.