The King Of My Heart

I love him, always have and always will, I heard those words echo through my heart and soul. It was something I always knew, but never admitted to myself. I couldn't admit that to myself at the time, if I had letting go and moving on would never have happened. Nineteen years ago, when I think back it seems crazy that that much time has passed. Crazy, because when I close my eyes it feels like we were there just yesterday. Crazy, because when I think of all the time that has passed it makes me angry and baffled at the same time. Baffled that I still feel the same now as I did back then and angry when I think of all the time wasted. So many emotions are swirled up at the mention of his name and so much confusion settles in when I'm standing here looking into his eyes.

I search those eyes, hoping to find a clue or an answer to all this. Yes, I heard the words he said, "you were always special to me, my dream woman". I wanted to tell him so many things, divulge my own feelings and thoughts on the whole situation. All that was going through my head as I heard those words were "why did you disappear like you did, why did you break my heart". I took a sip of my wine as I contemplated what to say, "I always thought it was just physical for you, I never knew you had any feelings for me." Yes, as those words came out of my mouth I knew that was the safe thing to say, it was the truth without exposing my heart to him. The rest of that night went well, for all that time passing it was like we had picked up right where we left off, I thought a great way to start on a new chapter. The friendship was still there, the attraction and the chemistry were still there.

It overwhelmed me that everything was still there, as I quickly learned as the days, weeks, and months passed the passion was not only still there, but seemed to be intensified. I lost myself in that passion, let him take his role as the one man I couldn't resist. Every touch, every kiss, every time he uttered my name was a high, a thrill, a power I couldn't resist.

Yes, he had a power over me that made me overlook many things, he had a way of sweeping in and making the moment exciting. That was one of the things I've always loved and admired about him, but as time came to pass I realized there was so much more I wanted and needed. He was in my heart, no matter what happened between us I knew that my love for him had always been there and that would never change. He owned my heart, that realization was a little scary and yet comforting in some way. I saw forever with him, that's why I was so mad at what I saw as all those wasted years. 19 years, how much can you share with someone in that time, the kind of life you can build with someone in that time were thoughts that kept swirling through my mind.

Then one thought hit me like a ton of bricks, he had to disappear when he did because the timing wasn't right. I started looking back at what happened back then, between us and at my own life after him. That truth rang through my head with every memory that swam by, the timing wasn't right. I started to see the things that might not have happened if we had gotten together back then. The things about myself, life, and love that I might not have ever learned if we had gotten together back then. Then I looked at him, the real him that I knew and loved, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I looked at the situation for what it truly was without the illusion of him coming back after all this time meaning we're meant to be together, reality is what I looked at. What I saw was that he still wasn't ready, he still had things to work through and learn. And yes, there was a part of me that was furious and impatient and wanted it all to happen now. But the logical part of me knew that what we had right now, even though thrilling and passionate, was not what we needed to make forever last together. He was the king of my heart, he would always be there, I would always have love for him that was a fact I knew without a doubt. When I looked at what I truly wanted, what my soul craved it was a simple answer, Him.

Then I looked at me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I had come a long way, I had achieved and overcome so much in my life. The woman I was now and the woman I wanted to become could not settle for less than what I deserved. It saddened me when I saw that truth, that truth meant that I couldn't be with him because what he was offering wasn't enough. I broke my own heart with that realization, and shed some tears with the truth that he might never be ready. That forever together may never happen for us. I took my time swimming through that sea of emotions, took a real hard look at what it all meant to me. Yes, I love him, always have, always will. Yes, my heart is broken that I have tell him what I've come to realize. But, yes, I am strong enough to do what I must and I will be ok no matter what happens.