The Inner Castle

“What is it with this guy” I thought for the hundredth time. “why is he still here?”

That first day that he’d started to work for us, I‘d known that I would, at some point take him to bed. As usual it would progress through stages until on some Friday night after one too many, I would devour him. Then, for a month or so I would use him like a new bike, riding him whenever I wanted. Then when he’d had enough abuse he would leave, quit the job and move on.

But here he was, several months in and still hanging around. Last night after having been set to tear him a new one, he had somehow convinced me to forgive him. It must have been a moment’s weakness, why else would I have let him off. Then later the sex had been amazing! Truly epic.

Then, this morning, I wake and he’s gone. Out for a run. I’m in the shower when I hear him come in. After a few minutes I throw on a towel and go out to see about coffee. Knowing that he would have some for me. Thanking him, I retreat to the doorway. I can feel his eyes taking me in. I could tell that he liked what he was seeing. I swear he could have had me right then if he’d made a move for it. I, wanted him to take me. I looked at him over my coffee, “What is he doing? I thought to myself. “What’s this new easiness he’s portraying towards me? This familiarity?”

I decided then and there that I needed to think about what was happening here. The dynamic was definitely changing. It was then, that I retreated to the bathroom. Leaving him sitting there, wondering what was going through my head.

I took my time putting on some makeup, just the minimum for a Saturday. Well, at least what I considered the minimum. Then I threw on a casual outfit, one perfect for an early fall Saturday in the city and telling him I was going out, left him sitting there kinda looking a little flustered. I needed some time away from his presence. Some time to process this relationship and my new feelings, feelings that were unfamiliar to me.

I walked down the street to the little breakfast cafe that we loved so much. “Did I just think we, we instead of I.” I ordered some protein and coffee, sitting outside with the fresh air. I needed fresh air, air that would help me think. I kept reliving the sex from the night before, how he’d been so in tune with what I wanted. What I needed. I’d never had a simultaneous orgasim before and what it had done to us both was, incredible to say the least. Shaking my head I told myself “Come on, get over it, it was just sex.”

I was too close to this whole thing, I needed a more removed attitude. A forty thousand foot view of things. Maybe some time apart was nessasary, something that could give me some perspective. I definitely wasn’t thinking straight. Why else was I continually thinking about how he filled a void. Both physically and mentally. I needed to regain my composure, too many feelings, all hitting me at once.

I spent most of the day away, window shopping. I still hadn’t made any sense of what was happening, or decisions regarding him either, for that matter. When I did return home he wasn’t there. A note on the counter saying that he’d gone to his apartment and that I’d see him Monday morning. I felt torn, on the one hand I liked the solitude, but I guess I was getting used to having him around.

Sunday morning seemed kinda strange, I woke up to such solitude, I’d spent my whole adult life living in this manner. But now, somehow, it seemed different. I was acutely aware of being alone. On the one hand this was what had always kept me safe. No one was going to rule me. No one was going to hurt me. Sure there were times that I would feel isolated, lonely even. Never for long though. Now this guy comes along and I’m acting like a teenager, waiting for his next text, come on already. Still, imagining my legs wrapped around his body as he filled me with his manhood did get me going.

Shaking off the thoughts that seemed to continually pop into her head she decided then and there that this needed to stop. She felt herself losing control. Her carefully crafted excistence was in danger of collapsing, leaving her exposed. If he wouldn’t take the hint then she would have to take matters into her own hands and do it.

Still this was all new to her. Having to be the one that ended the relationship. “It is a relationship isn’t it” she thought as she mulled over the different ways to end it.