The Existential Woman (page 12)
Easy or Difficult?
Although she was nervous and worried, Shanna was able to get to sleep. She awoke on Friday morning around 7ish. Her normal routine in play: coffee, computer, tasks. A basket of dried laundry was set on the coffee table. The beds were still unmade. The floor and litter box were clean enough. She needed to go get another pack of cigarettes and check her bank balance. She was worried about her son and about her money situation. Stress. "Retirement is not all it's cracked up to be," she grumbled.
To get her mind off the stress, she grabbed the last spray can of black paint and finished painting the side doors of her van. She had covered the silly stickers and the green paint, so that now the van was all black and white. It looked better, but she knew it didn't look as good as if she had afforded a professional painting company to do it. Yet after so many disappointments with businesses that had betrayed her trust and taken advantage of her wallet, she was very skeptical about allowing anyone to provide service for her dollar again. "It may not look perfect," she told herself, "But at least it's done and I didn't get gyped."
She looked at the telephone. She remembered that last night Norman had taken a call from her son, TJ. TJ had explained that he was not well at all and was going to the hospital. Shanna knew that TJ had the same problems she had. They had both inherited mental illness from their DNA. She knew how scary it was to go ask for hospital help, and all she could do was pray that they would help him. Looking at the telephone, she had hoped he would call from the hospital and let her know that he was ok. The phone did not ring.
She thought about the flip phone she had recently purchased. She needed to get service on that phone so that she could look for some part-time work again. Even though she had not found anything in two years, she was still going to try again. She had to. She couldn't wake up day after day just complaining about not having enough money. She had to keep trying. She wanted more out of her life. There were so many wonderful places to go. So many new things to see.... But it all cost money. She had to keep trying.
She looked at her pack of cigarettes. Only one cigarette left. She sighed, then made a joke to cheer herself up. "I shoud have my own cigarette shop." She laughed knowing that although she would be very good at that, it probably wasn't the best idea.
She wrote a few new poems and read some older poems that reminded her of past lovers. She smiled thinking about the good times, the sweet gestures, and the kind words. She started to get a little lonely and sad, but she remembered a quote that usually gave her strength --- "Nothing worthwhile comes easy." She laughed again thinking about herself in romantic affairs. "Maybe that's why I'm always alone. I'm too easy." She laughed again, then grabbed her purse so she could go to the store for cigarettes.
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The Existential Woman page 11
The bar scene got boring quick. Shanna sang one song - "Stop draggin my heart around" and she felt satisfied with her performance. She enjoyed a few of the other singers songs, but after drinking half of her coke and smoking several cigarettes outside, she wanted to leave. Maybe she should have become a professional musician, she thought as she walked back to her van. This way she could be on stage the whole time and not get that weird feeling of awkwardness that she felt as a patron. Just sitting there alone felt awful, especially when she could hear others in groups conversing or laughing together.
By Shanon Norman9 months ago in Fiction
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