The dreams in which I'm dying

“Dear Diary,

They say I am insane. I must keep a journal and attend therapy, to control my addiction.

I'm not sure what to write and for what purpose.

Well, they are right you know…the doctors and therapists, I am not normal. I have died many times and for some reason I am still alive.

You know the feeling when you are about to die in a dream? The feeling of falling or being chased and shot, or the feeling of drowning? I do actually die. My heart pumping, the blood stops circulating through my veins, my organs starve of oxygen resulting in my brain to stop functioning for good 30 seconds until my breath fades away.

Then something peculiar happens. I wake up! I don’t know how this is possible. What I know is, that I like it!’

‘What do you feel when you die?’ The therapist asks.

I look at her blankly. This is a hard one. I feel everything and nothing at all.

‘I….I…’ I stuttered. The clock on the wall is too loud. I hear its seconds pass, tick…. tock... It bothers me.

The therapist leans back patiently in her seat, twisting a pen in her fingers. I focus on the pen, its blue and white. I don’t like all this. Why am I here? I am not hurting anyone. I am fine. I am alive.

I am only here because my brother called the ambulance once when I didn’t wake up and then when I woke up I shouted at him for waking me.

I press my palms tightly together.

‘Ok different question. What do you NOT feel when you die’ she asks.

That one I know. ‘Dead’ I say firmly.

‘So, you die to feel alive? What would you do if you would really die?’

What a dumb question is that?

‘I guess I would not be alive, pretty dead and not able to do anything’

She gets my sarcasm and scribbles something on her paper. Probably to allow time to pass.

‘But you know that you don’t die, right Aaron?’

‘Yep’

‘When does all this happen? At night?’

‘No, I can go to sleep whenever I want. I can do it whenever I want. It is like meditation, I guess’ I shrug my shoulders.

She raises her eyebrows.

‘Do you think this has anything to do with your family?’

I say nothing. I never will. These are my precious moments.

‘Our time is up Aaron. I want to give you a little homework. I want you to write down what you see in your dreams and explain what is happening and what you are feeling. You don’t have to show it to me when you are not ready yet’

‘Right’ I say, not impressed. I am out of that door faster than the wind.

I am walking along the river, throwing stones into it, making them jump on the water. I smile.

The sun is about to set. It looks pretty.

‘Dear Diary,

The water is cold and it is dark. They are drowning and so am I. I can make out their silhouettes, but they don’t have faces. I don’t recognize them. I can see them reaching out for me. They are trapped in a car. The woman is gesturing me to leave them. I shake my head. No I won’t!

I try to slam the windows. I can feel my strength fading. I manage to rip the passenger door open. The woman is trying to reach her handbag. There is something in it.

I swim towards her and try to open the seatbelt. It is not working. I cry out in frustration. She points at the handbag. I open it and a knife floats out.

I use it to cut the seatbelt and hurry to the back for what seems to be children sitting trapped in their seats. I release them too. I rush them towards the surface. I want to follow them but my foot gets trapped in something. I watch them reach safety. Better one life lost than three. I know it is time to go and I take a deep breath of water. My lungs are hurting and my vision is fading.

I open my eyes and I am coughing. I saved them… at least in my dreams.’

-

‘Thank you Mr. Grant, for taking part in this experiment. Your case is extraordinary.’ The doctor says. He seems excited. This could be a breakthrough for him if he solves this…case.

‘Guess I don’t have a choice.’ I respond. It is part of the treatment plan and I get paid by the government, since I lost my job.

He leads me into a private room. A heart monitor is waiting on the bedside and there is a swim cap with cables on the pillow. A massive mirror along with a picture of a barn owl decorates the room.

‘Please dress into your pyjamas. We will replicate night-time as much as possible.’

‘I don’t have anything with me’

The doctor gasps and is looking at me in shock.

‘I don’t need anything, I can go to sleep whenever I feel like it. ‘ I nod with encouragement. I think he is someone who needs lots of it.

‘Ha, alright then. Please lie down and take your shirt off.’ I do as he says.

He puts some stickers on me, which I believe are ECG electrodes and adjusts this horrible swim cap on my head. ‘This will measure your brain activity and the electrodes your heart rhythm.’

‘Ready?’ he asks.

‘Sure’ I say and close my eyes, looking forward to cross to the other side. The doctor disappears behind the mirror.

I stand in front of a burning house. I hear them screaming. I hear pain. The house is filled with smoke. I rush inside and up the stairs into the master bedroom. When I open the door, I burn my hand. It hurts. I don’t care. I burst into the room. A woman is lying on the floor. ‘Aaron help me’ she is reaching out for me.

I grab her by the wrist and pull her towards me. It got you Tara! I carry her down the stairs and gently lower her onto the grass. ‘Aaron, the kids’. Damn it yes, yes! I ran back up and now I am in front of the twins room. I can’t hear them screaming. Oh my god. No! No! it doesn’t work that way! I am here to save them!

Please let them be alive.

The door is in flames. I break through it. My clothes are on fire now. It hurts. I see the twins lying in one bed, hugging each other. Breathing! Oh thank god! I grab both by the neck of their pyjamas, dashing towards the door and turn around immediately. It is too dangerous.

There is no way I can make it down the stairs. I grab a bedsheet and wrap them into it, then I get the climbing rope we used for our annual family hiking tours, and tie it around them. I break the window and push the bundle over the edge of the window, slowly lowering them onto the ground. I can hear sirens from far. I know they are going to be okay.

I sit down, leaning against the wall. I am so tired.

There is no sound. The only sound is the whispering of fire lulling me to sleep.

I open my eyes. The doctors face staring down at me. A serious, even frightened expression hovering over his face. There are several people standing behind him.

‘We need to talk, Aaron.’

I get dressed and follow him behind the mirror. My hand is hurting, a lot.

‘Are you tired Aaron?’

I nod. I am always tired.

He is pointing at some graphs and diagrams.

‘Every time you go to sleep Aaron your brain activity is higher than in a regular person. You will never be able to get some decent rest. Sleep is there for us to recover; it is supposed to slow down brain and body functions in order to regenerate cells. You are doing the opposite. Your brain and heart activity is through the roof. And then….’ He claps his hands and Aaron jumps. ‘Then it stops. The monitor flatlines, there is no activity. You are dead, as we know. Until you wake up. But listen to me; your body won’t take it any longer. It is exhausting. At some point you will really pass away’

I look at him. I know all this already, but no one ever talked to me about it. ‘What makes you wake up?’ he really does sound concerned and interested.

‘I don’t know’ I lie. The truth is; in my dreams I am always saving these people. No one will ever understand. I thrive on that. I live on dying so they can live! Yet I am losing them little by little. Dream by dream. I know, I will fail one day and I need to be prepared to let them go.

The doctor takes my hand. ‘When did you burn yourself?’

.

The therapist finishes reading the notes and sighs. She looks at me in great worry. She understands now. It has everything to do with my family. It has everything to do with their death and everything with my survival.

‘Aaron, you need to stop. This is not good for you. You need to let them go. You are experiencing survivors’ guilt. What happened is awful but it is not your fault’

Even though she is right, I yell at her in frustration!

‘I can’t stop! This is the way it works. This is the only way I can live my life. I have to save them; I don’t want to stop!’

I look at my burnt hand. Another souvenir of their rescue.

After some more heroic dreams, I take another walk along the river. Maybe it would not be such a bad idea to finally let go. I can't keep on living like that. They wouldn’t have wanted that. I sit down on the bench, we sat so many times as a family during our days out and close my eyes.

‘Dear Diary,

My leg is throbbing. Through a curtain of tears, I can see a piece of metal sticking out of my thigh. I look to my right. Tara is staring right at me. Blood is running down her forehead and into her eyes. She doesn’t blink it away. I investigate the rear mirror and see Jodie and Jonah sleeping. Their little faces finally being at rest. No...I cant yet!

We are on the middle of the motorway. I need to hurry. I drag Tara out of the car and place her onto the pavement. I stroke her beautiful face. I rush to the back of the car.

The seatbelts are not opening and this time I don’t have a knife. I look at my leg and pull out the piece of metal without hesitation. I scream. I try to cut the belts. I hear a loud noise and follow it with my eyes. A big truck is approaching with enormous speed. No! Nooo! I scream! I can’t let you go yet!

I look at my family in sorrow. I am torn between both worlds now. My angels deserve to rest in peace. It hurts so much, but I step away from the vehicle and watch the truck wiping the car off the motorway. I am so tired. I close my eyes. ‘