The Christmas Times Gossip Column

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

In a shocking turn of events, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer underwent a transformative surgery that left his once-glowing nose dimmed. Writer Dana, with her extensive contacts in the surgery field, was the first to report this surprising news.

Mrs. Claus

Unveiling the truth behind the jolly façade, Santa Claus’s wife exposed Saint Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus, for his philandering ways. Dana received an anonymous tip confirming that Santa had fathered numerous illegitimate babies across every continent. This scandalous revelation prompted Mrs. Claus to hire the renowned Attorney Gloria Allred, seeking her rightful share of the earnings from Santa’s Toy Maker empire, which she had helped build.

Mr. Grinch

In a twist no one saw coming, Mr. Grinch, known for his mischievous nature, had found solace in Christianity and became a preacher of the gospel. Broadcasting his sermon on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, an international religious cable television network, Grinch even established a mega-church in Whoville. Despite his newfound faith, doubts lingered, and the world watched closely, waiting to see if the Grinch would succumb to the temptations of wealth, scandal, or excess.

Christmas Elves

The mischievous Christmas Elves, it turns out, had taken their partying to new heights by visiting the Penthouse Strip Club. Capturing their wild night on video, the elves shamelessly shared their escapades on social media. Santa, stumbling upon these scandalous recordings, promptly fired the elves, replacing them with robots to assist in the Christmas season.

Frosty the Snowman

Frosty the Snowman, longing for companionship, embarked on a quest for love after his pleas went unheard. Sadly, Frosty never returned to grace the lawns during the Christmas season, leaving a void in the hearts of those who cherished his presence.

Christmas Carollers

Dana's investigation into the Christmas carollers took her to Washington, D.C., where she witnessed their joyful voices met with resistance. Some disgruntled homeowners responded by hurling tomatoes at the carollers, who retaliated in kind. The festive atmosphere turned into a chaotic tomato battle.

Coronavirus Outbreak at Santa Village

In a distressing development, Santa Village fell victim to an outbreak, of the ever-changing coronavirus. The Delta and Omicron variants wreaked havoc, prompting Santa Claus to implement vaccine mandates for all employees to contain the spread.

Mr. Scrooge

Ebenezer Scrooge, known for his greed, failed to reform his ways and instead engaged in a Ponzi scheme that defrauded wealthy investors of millions. As a consequence, Scrooge received a life sentence in prison, providing a small consolation that the rich, rather than the poor, were swindled.

Tiny Tim

Tiny Tim, once a frail child, blossomed into a charismatic politician with a devout Christian following. His campaign slogan, “May god bless us, all!” resonated with supporters, who admired his transformation and unwavering faith.

Krampus

Unveiling the sinister intentions of the malevolent Krampus, Dana discovered his plot to steal Santa Claus’s classified file on toy-making. Krampus’s cult members stormed Santa Claus Village, demanding the desired documents. However, Santa’s secret agents were prepared and thwarted their attempted thievery. Krampus now faces arrest under the Treason Act, a betrayal against Christmas’s most cherished gift, toys.

Snoopy the Beagle Dog of Charlie Brown

Dana couldn’t believe the news she had just received from one of her new sources. Snoopy, the lovable beagle of Charlie Brown, had finally made his fantasy of flying away in his Cessna 172 airplane on Christmas Eve come true. As she processed the information, Dana couldn’t help but feel a mix of awe and sadness. Meanwhile, Charlie Brown, Snoopy’s best friend, was devastated when he learned about his beloved dog’s departure.

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(Copyright Dana Esposito. All rights reserved.)