The Child Within

There I was. Lying next to an unidentifiable vehicle because I chose a different route to get home. All I remembered was the tapping of water droplets doing jigs to the tackiest music of the 21st century on my window screen before my car went through the ramp near the forest. I also recalled the nastiest fight me and Joe had before work that morning but I wasn’t going to face that dilemma yet.

I looked over the remains of my car. I let out a big sigh and let myself feel the pinecones, twigs, tiny rocks and other debris piercing against my skin and clothing. The thought of surviving such a thing sent shivers down my spine that made every inch of my back getting goosebumps. With each breath I took I felt life pumping through me, like a river, filling my veins.

I shut my eyes against the light that was leaking through the gaps of the crowns of the trees. I was listening to the symphony of composing song birds when a sudden stroke of breeze brushed against my face, only lasting a moment. I opened my eyes again staring at the green crowns framing the glowing blue sky. I found myself thinking of my fight again with Joe before ending up here. It seemed like a fight over the little things just like any other times when we couldn't put our differences aside. Except this time I went too far. I threw countless china plates and cups at Joe yelling making a "grave error" for starting a family with him. Our son, Leo, was quivering in one of the cabinets hiding from me. His eyes were puffy and red matching his nose and cheeks. My eyes watered every time I thought of this. I knew I had to mend things as soon as I got home.

A shadow went past me. Then it landed on a dried out tree trunk nearby. It was a barn owl scanning every twitch my body made and the wrack behind me. As it hooted, it disappeared into the forest. Was it a symbol of wisdom or a bringer of terror?

I got up brushing every dust, creepy-crawlies, leaves and dirt off of my now-not-so-neat outfit. I began to follow the hooting of the magnificent creature leading me through a thick mass of trees and fern shrubs. I became aware of a gentle humming as I was following the sound of the owl. Soon, I reached a field in the heart of the forest where the owl landed on a little girl’s lap sitting on a wooden table with two benches. The smell of trees, fresh grass and wildflowers filled the spring breeze. It was a treat for my lungs bringing back my sweetest memories and a smile to my face.

I walked across the palette of common weeds and flowers to the table to sit near the girl who immediately turned further away from me, making the owl take off and vanish again. The little girl looked about nine or eleven of age with an uneven fringe and glossy locks as dark as the night. I sat quietly for a while listening to the life around us.

"It's beautiful around here, isn't it?" I said it like I was starting a conversation with one of my elderly neighbours which resulted her ignoring my presence a little longer.

"How did you end up here?" Asked the girl who seemed to be playing with the edge of her embroidered dungarees without looking at me.

I turned to the little girl smiling. "My car started doing cartwheels down into the forest."

"Sounds about right. You probably woke everyone around when you landed."

My eyebrows rose high, almost becoming one with my hairline at the little girl's statement. "I beg your pardon? There is no one around! Only you and me." Then I heard a loud hoot coming from the trees.

"What about him?" Asked the girl pointing at a relatively displeased owl.

I sighed and continued, ignoring the annoyed bird circling above the tree tops. "I am sorry, I didn't mean to crash. How did you get here anyway?"

"I live here!" shouted the little girl in a high-pitched tone, almost jumping out of her skin and kicking her legs.

"You live in the forest? How? Where are your parents?"

The girl grew quiet and a frosty silence grew between us. She avoided looking at me. Instead she stared at the side of the forest where the barn owl had landed. I left some space for the child so she wouldn’t feel pressured to answer. After all, this wasn’t an interrogation. I started observing the other end of the field from afar where the grass and weeds were pale and dry. The dry patches looked completely rotted away from the roots and the ground was covered in a substance unfamiliar to me. How did I not notice it before?

"Do you remember the lake?" The child broke the silence, with this unusually random question. How did she know about the lake?

"Yes, I do remember the lake." I replied

"As if it happened yesterday?"

"Yes, as if it happened yesterday." The memories of the lake came back, anchoring me in sorrow. Me and my siblings were in a boat pretending to be pirates. The distinct smell of mud and algae lingered around. The surface of the lake was glistening in the sunshine like tiny pearls popping in and out of the water to entertain small kids looking for imaginary mermaids and sunken treasure. It was fun until my older sibling, James, had a seizure collapsing in the wooden boat. I handled my older brother's seizures well, although at that time I knew something was different. I started yelling and screaming but no one came. I hurried to bring the boat to the lakeside and moored it the best I could. I dragged my younger sibling out of the boat then James' lifeless body. Mum and dad were drunk out of their minds, costing my brother's life. In the end I got blamed for letting him die. There I was yet again 10 years old and "should have known better". What was I supposed to do? I did everything I could. How would I have known what to do? From that day on my parents made sure I would never forget the tragedy. The memories of the lake were the most loathed memories of all because I felt like …

…"you were blamed for being a child."

My face was flushed instantly from its colour becoming the same shade as my shirt when I looked over to her. How did she know what I was going to think?

The little girl slowly turned her face towards me brushing her messy fringe away from her eyes. A pair of tear filled marine blue eyes were staring into mine becoming one with me and the sky.

I realised who she was. This could mean a few things and none of them were good.

I walked away from the table to the edge of the rotten patch walking back and forth, then forth to back. My head was weighing down my shoulders, spinning, repeating the same words over and over. "No! No! This cannot be real!" The little girl was still on the wooden table following my movements with her head.

“Why are you overreacting?”

I paused at the edge and turned to her, my eyes wide open and each hand clenched into a fist tight enough for my nails to dig deep. My neck was popping with veins as I was gritting my teeth back at her.

“Overreacting? How can I not over react in this situation?!”

“We got all the time here now to play!”

“And? Grow the fuck up! Life is not a fairy tale or a game!”

“Then why are you trying so hard to create a fairy tale for Leo?”

I couldn’t believe my ears. I grabbed her tight by her arms.

“Giving the best life possible to my child is not a fairy tale. Now, I cannot even do that anymore!!”

“I wasn’t the one driving through the ramp!” She shrieked back into my face.

“That was an accident! Someone was on the road! I wasn't going to run them over!”

“Well, you should have! Just like you do it to everyone else around you!”

“That's utter bullshit!”

“Really? I wasn't saying those things yesterday morning either!”

“I didn't mean them!”

"You went too far! There is no coming back from it now."

"I said I was sorry!"

"Do you really think saying sorry will make the scars disappear, Kate?"

"Alright, just tell me how to get out of here! Then we can be done with each other!"

"You still don't get it do you?"

"What do you mean?"

" There is a reason why you are here. The reason is me. You can't leave without me."

I stood there stunned by the words leaving her mouth, knowing I was trapped in my own mind. Or was I already dead and this was my personal hell? Her words stung like a pile of blades pressed into my chest. This all could mean I would never see my family again. I wouldn't be able to see Leo grow up or hear their late night laughter. It would be impossible for me to be there when he'd need me the most. I left them without looking back or expressing my love for them. Every idea of going home to them and making amends shattered into million pieces. Were all my efforts for nothing? What would I have to do to see them again?

I turned back to the side where everything was decaying. My sight went blurry and tears started trickling down my cheeks to my chin. My legs were trembling as I tried walking to the edge again but my legs gave in under my weight collapsing a few feet away. I looked down to my knees. I placed my hands on the grass before me grabbing into it while I was wailing, clawing and tearing out the grass. I shrieked until all the air left my lungs causing me to wheeze. Once I caught my breath, I filled them again with bitter air to scream "Fuck Everything!" Until my throat could stand bawling.

When I finally tore all the grass out in front of me I began to beat the ground with my bare hands butchering my knuckles. I heard the girl screaming but I couldn't care less, I kept going at the ground until the barn owl landed before me and wildly hooting at me. His hooting broke my vicious cycle and I immediately looked behind me.

The little girl on the table was terrified from an unnatural formation that looked identical to the rotted patch from the other side. The decay slithered through the dead grass like a serpent killing a small portion of the table and any vegetation standing in its way; bulging like a vein. I looked back at the owl and saw the pulsing mass of pulsing decay behind him leaving only a few inches between the healthy green and corruption. Could it be what I believed it to be? There was only one way to find out.

After a few brief minutes I tumbled towards the child. She curled up in a ball whimpering like a scared animal. Her face and hair were soaked and pressed tight against her knees. I sat down on the table next to her laying an arm on her shoulder then pulling her in for a cuddle. At first she didn't move. When I pulled her close she locked me in with her tiny arms squeezing me breathless. Holding on like her life depended on it. In a way it did. Mine did too. Her cries were coming more from agony than fear. She was desperate to be free. Free of blame and resentment.

I sat quietly holding her while her breathing slowed and her cries went silent. How could I have been blind to this? We rocked together like a mother rocks her child. My eyes were burning and ready to fall out.

"Kate…" she turned her head up to look into my eyes. Her nose and cheeks were still red.

"Yes darling?"

"I know you dedicate yourself to save others' lives...but please can you save your own life for once?"

"I am already doing it, little one." I was holding her tight again, warming ourselves in this bliss. In our moment of healing, I heard a familiar sound coming from a distance. A continuous beeping, with the desperate prayers of a distraught family which I witnessed far too well in the hospital. It was Joe and Leo asking me to come home. My heart was in a choke hold being crushed slowly. ‘Was I going to ever see them again?’ thought to myself as I looked at the swarming blanket of green taking over the rot. I missed feeling Leo's heartbeat against mine but hearing his voice gave a sprinkle of hope.

"Are you going to abandon me again Kate?"

"No, we have all the time to play here don't we?"

“What about Joe and Leo? Aren't you going to miss them?”

“I already am. But it's only us now.”

"You know, this won't last forever. You might wake up!"

"Yeah, probably when no-one expects it." I grinned while giving her a cheeky wink.

"That's your style isn't it?"

"It's our style."

The familiar hoot of the barn owl echoed in the breeze, whispering to me. I realised I was killing myself with fear for not being able to confront my inner hate. "Thank you, James for guiding me here." I murmured into the sky watching the owl become one with the setting sun. Now, I have all the time in the world to make things right and heal the child within.