The Chemistry of Baking

2 Cups Sugar

Sweetness. When most people think of cakes, they think of sweet. The idea that sugar is the main flavor in a cake is a misnomer. Sugar does much more than just add a little sweetness. The chemistry of sugar in a cake goes much deeper than satisfying your sweet tooth, it keeps things moist and soft. It works the same way in relationships.

In a budding relationship, couples are often sweet on each other. This is the "getting to know you" stage where both individuals are on their best behavior. Where both are putting their best foot forward in order to hook their ideal mate. There’s a reason why people say, “Give me some sugar, “ when asking for a kiss. The beginning sweetness of a relationship never lasts. I have learned firsthand that sweetness fades and if you don’t have that softness left, then what you do have are lies and broken hearts.

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1 ¾ Cups Flour and 2 Eggs

In life or baking, a structure must be present. Flour and eggs form the structure of the cake, too much - the cake will be dry and crumbly. It will fall apart at the slightest pressure against it. Try to slice a piece of cake with a fork. Does it disintegrate into inedible grains that you must chase around on a plate? The cake doesn’t have the correct structure to keep the form it was meant to have.

Every relationship needs a place from which to grow. If you have too little or too much structure, the whole relationship will falter, leaving a bad taste in one’s mouth. No matter the reason for the faulty structure: perhaps he was playing the field when you thought things were monogamous, or maybe he never got over his ex, or perhaps he never quite cut the umbilical cord from his momma; all perfectly reasonable explanations for a faulty structure, and the relationship crumbles into an unpalatable mess.

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1 ½ Teaspoon Baking Powder and 1 ½ Teaspoon Baking Soda

Cakes need to rise from the liquid form in which they begin into fluffy mounds of deliciousness. This is what baking powder and baking soda do. They are leavening agents. Do you remember mixing baking soda and vinegar as a kid to create that bubbling volcano, or to blow up a balloon? The baking soda reacts with the acidic vinegar and creates carbon dioxide. It works the same way in cakes. Baking powder is similar, except it is created with its own acid already mixed in. Without this crucial element, the cake would not rise and you’d be left with a flat, dense mess.

Sometimes in a relationship, you’re missing that lift. That need to rise to the next step with your chosen partner. The relationship is stuck in a hard, flat rut and never goes anywhere. No matter how hard you may push and prod and leave hints… everywhere. Like when you snuck into his house and wrote on his bathroom mirror in toothpaste. Or that time when he slept and you scratched a message into the hood of his Mustang that he loves more than life itself… and apparently more than you!

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1 Cup Milk and 1 Cup Water

The liquids in a cake are extremely important. Water dissolves all those dry ingredients: salts, sugars, baking powder, baking soda, and it also hydrates gluten. Milk, in addition to adding moisture, improves texture and makes the cake pleasurable to eat. Leaving either of these ingredients out of a cake, well, you won’t make a cake. You need some sort of liquid to mix with all those dry ingredients.

In relationships, one must work to get over dry spells. No relationship is easy. The thing to remember is that both of you need to be working towards a common goal. If only one of you is adding that life-giving water into the relationship, then things will stagnate. I mean, you can hold his head underwater, but you cannot make him drink. Plus, he gets angry and accuses you of trying to drown him. The day ends in a huge fight. The evening ends up with you staying up all night texting him and calling him, but he never answers.

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½ Cup Vegetable Oil

Oil is what helps keep your cake moist and flavorful. There is an argument in the baking world about whether butter or oil is better in cakes. Some say that butter has a better flavor, but I say that oil creates a delightful texture in a cake and leaves the cake moister than butter. In any case, this is a chocolate cake. Chocolate tends to add that extra dryness, so oil it is.

In a relationship, sometimes you must grease the wheels so to speak. You must force the relationship to go beyond where it is. Maybe you buy him a plane ticket for an impromptu weekend trip to Hawaii, which he turns down because he, “already has plans.” Maybe you call his office and find out the hotel he’s staying at during a business trip and you go there wearing only a long coat and a smile; however, he tells you that he’s “not interested” and that you two had “broken up six months ago.” But, he doesn’t understand that I didn’t agree to that breakup! He doesn’t get to make all the decisions!

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2 Teaspoons Vanilla and 1 Teaspoon Salt

In cakes, salt and vanilla are both flavor enhancers. Without vanilla, the cake would taste bland. Vanilla elevates the flavor of every ingredient in the cake. Without salt, the cake would be bitter. The salt also balances the sweetness of the cake. You don’t want a cake that is too sweet, and you never want a salty cake; there is a balance in baking.

A balance. There is a balance to everything in life. You have to be careful of tipping the scales in any one direction. In a relationship those scales are finicky. Too much sweetness and you’re told you’re ‘clingy.’ Too much bitterness and you’re told you’re a ‘nag.’ But, sometimes he doesn’t listen! Sometimes he doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do; he’s not where he is supposed to be. Sometimes he’s out with his friends who are poisoning his thoughts against you! Sometimes he’s out with other women. He’s supposed to be with me! He’s supposed to be marrying me! We are the flavor enhancers to life! Together we make the most perfectly balanced cake! But he doesn’t see it!

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¾ Cup Unsweetened Cocoa Powder

By itself, cocoa powder is bitter. Mixed with the right ingredients in a cake, it creates an intense chocolate flavor. If you leave this out of a cake… well, you are not making a chocolate cake. This particular cake must be chocolate. The chocolate flavor has a better chance of masking other possible undesirable flavors.

I knew when I had the right man when I found out he loved chocolate as much as I did. I would bake him chocolate treats every chance I had. I would leave them for him in places I knew he would find them. I would wait outside his work until I saw him leave, then sneak in and leave them on his desk. Once, I tried to leave one in his apartment, but he had moved. So, I followed him to his new apartment one day. It was in the next town over, how weird… he gave himself quite the commute! So, I would leave them on his kitchen counter at his new apartment. I’m sure he was so happy to come home to some freshly baked chocolate goodies after having driven so far. You know, he never once thanked me. I went by to talk to him once and found out he moved again. I’m not sure where… yet.

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2 Tablespoons Ground Brodifacoum

Now, to be honest, this typically doesn’t go in cakes. No, it’s the main ingredient in rat poison. Because that’s what he is. A rat! He thinks he can marry someone else!? After everything I’ve done for him? I have given him years of my life! I have put myself out there for him! He has been the center of my universe, and yet… he chose her!

The groom’s cake will make a wonderful addition to the wedding table. I hope they both enjoy a big slice of chocolate cake at their wedding. Here’s to the “happy” couple. To death do you part, indeed.