The Bull

Everyday she drove by. Everyday he was there. Everyday he stared. She found it odd how he frightened her. There was a fence, barbed wire, and of course the metal and glass of her car, but when he stared at her she felt as if he could see her from the inside.

In Lilly’s small midwestern town, pastures full of livestock were as normal as tornadoes and cornfields so this one bull in a pasture wasn't something many would look at twice. He was huge and he barely seemed to move as far as Lilly could tell. She drove by him to and from work each day. Work. The mundane repetition of most of her friends' careers was beyond appealing compared to her daily 8 hours of hell. It wasn't so much what she did, although she definitely felt like she'd missed a calling somewhere, however it was them. All of them. They talked from the time their feet crossed the door threshold inward until crossing it again on the way back out yet they never said a goddamn thing. It was all kids and diet programs and today's aches and pains. She wasn't sure which bothered her worse, the actually talking or the obvious fake interest by the person on the listening end. Everyday she felt like she was drowning in the thick brown sludge of useless noise and every morning as she drove to work she dreaded her arrival. Except for the few seconds she spent parallel to his fence. In those seconds she thought only of him.

She often wondered if they were actually making eye contact. What was a bovine’s visual reach? It seemed so silly but sometimes in her head she felt like she heard a deep voice saying, “Lilly. Just don't go.” Why would he speak to her? What did he know? The bull was becoming the voice in her head. Her next thought. reminder to self: Never say that out loud! As if she needed someone else to tell her how crazy that sounded.

Lilly knew her hatred for work and her coworkers was a bit unfair. Everyone was nice to her, the pay was fair, the hours weren't abnormal. Lately it just seemed that this would be where she spent the rest of her working life and nothing sounded more miserable. This was the thought that made it hard to breathe most days. And still the voices kept on. And still she wavered between wanting to drown them out and wanting to lash out at them. Instead she sat quietly alone at her desk until the drive home. He was always there.

The bull appeared angrier to Lilly in the evenings. He was always closer to the fence and looking in her direction as she approached. Is it possible he was waiting for her? Why would he wait if he was annoyed with her and was she really assigning these types of feelings to a species that didn't speak her language? How far off the deep end was she going? Good nights sleep were meant to clear out the crazy thoughts. All Lily could think was let tonight be that clearing. Instead her night was full of dreams. She dreamt of strange people and strange places. Some of the dreams felt pleasant and calm, some anxious and dark. There was only one constant. The bull. In every one he appeared somewhat of a shadow in the outer circle of what was happening. Why was he there? What did he want from her? Lilly was beginning to worry about her mind. She had to understand why she was so focused on the bull. As strange as it would have seemed to anyone, as strange as it truly was to her, she knew the answer was in the pasture.

The sun was just rising as Lilly made her way that Saturday morning. Facing her fears seemed easier done at daybreak, so off she went to stare at the bull until she had answers. She was shaking slightly as she got out of her car. The fear was real no matter how ridiculous. She walked to the fence. There he stood just as he did every morning. Staring through her, just as he was every morning. She moved in close, they locked eyes, and she spoke to him.

“I'm not leaving until I know what you want from me,” she said. He grunted back, as if accepting a challenge.

They sat for hours and he never moved. She imagined him judging her entire life. She lived in a town she hated, worked at a place she felt unfulfilled. She was sure she was a disappointment to her parents because she certainly was to herself. Everyday when she drove to work she told herself she should just quit, then pack up and go. Nothing held her here. She had dreams just not the gumption to follow them. Gumption. Such a funny old word but that was what she needed. Just as she thought all of this she looked at the bull again and his demeanor had changed. He moved closer to the fence and he lowered his head, a sign of submission possibly? She touched his head gently. She felt his energy, not just within him but moving through her. She felt his strength well up inside her and all her fears fell off her like the drop of a heavy cloak. And at this moment the bull turned and walked away.

Monday morning rolled around and Lilly was ready. She knew it was time to take her life and make it something. She drove in to work not dreading anything, but prepared to say farewell to all that held her back. The bull was there, in his pasture as always, but this time he was just a bull. Just an animal in a Midwestern town. He was no longer larger than life. No longer frightening, but still she felt him watching her.

Lilly made her way in the office, packed her things, said goodbye and that was all. A simple end that allowed for a grand beginning. Now to get home and pack up there too. She drove slowly to enjoy the feeling. Her anxieties were gone. Her feelings of self loathing were gone. Her disappointment in life was gone. And so was the bull.