The Angry Flamingos

Barry Token stepped onto the porch early Saturday morning. The neighborhood slept moments before the rise of the sun. Even with the summer heat, the darkness of night provided a crisp touch to the skin. Barry fantasized about his retirement. Next Saturday would be his first day unemployed in forty years. As he contemplated on a new hobby, he noticed an envelope under his slippers. Odd, he thought to himself. Why wouldn’t the writer of this letter drop it off in the mailbox?

Barry bent down and picked it up. He took a sip of coffee. The envelope was thick, composed of expensive paper. A paper one would use for a fancy party invitation. His name, Barry, printed in thick cursive writing in the center. This must be a prank from the office staff, Barry thought. Barry opened the envelope to find a note card. It was plain and read, “Soon, Barry, soon. -Phil” in the top left corner.

An eerie feeling crept over him as he gazed at his pristine lawn. The sun breached the horizon giving the sky a crimson iridescent glow. Right in the center of the dewy grass stood a pink flamingo. “Ha”, Barry thought. My team had tried to irritate him with a tacky lawn ornament.

Nice try!” He muttered. Then walked over to pluck it from the grass. It pulled from the ground like a weed in the crack of a sidewalk, as though the tiny decoration had grown strong, resistant roots. Barry used two hands to yank it from the grass. When it finally gave way, it jumped out of the ground causing Barry to wobble backward slightly.

“Morning, Barry. What is with the lawn ornament? I didn’t peg you as that kind of guy.” Barry’s next door neighbor, Ted, stood on the other side of the fence. He sported red rain boots, pink sweatpants and a printed t-shirt. Despite the early morning sun, he donned a white visor.

“A retirement prank, I think. How are you this morning? Any plans today?” Barry smirked holding the ugly yard decoration. They had talked about playing poker this evening, and Barry wondered if Ted still planned on it.

“Oh, nothing much. Just that poker tournament.” Ted smiled. The two neighbors made small talk for a minute before Barry headed in to show his wife, Cheryl the note. She would get a kick out of the whole joke.

Sunday morning,Cheryl rushed to leave for church. “Honey, don’t forget your hat. We’re going to be late.”

As Barry walked out the house to start the car, he stepped on another note. It was the same thick paper as yesterday with his name in cursive on the right hand corner. He looked into the yard. Two pink flamingos glared back at him.

“Throwing us away makes us angry.. Soon, Barry, Soon. -Phil”

Cheryl poked her head over Barry’s shoulder to read.

“Another one. Barry, this joke is getting out of control.” Cheryl walked to the middle of the yard to remove the plastic ornaments. It was clear that his wife could be a few minutes late to church but she would not tolerate tacky decorations in her yard. As she struggled to rip one flamingo from the ground, Barry joined. They both popped out at the same time causing Barry to stumble backwards. Cheryl lost her balance completely and fell to the ground. The flamingo sailing over her head.

“Getting ready for the retirement party so early? You’ll miss church.” The Token’s other next door neighbor, Chen, commented sweetly, stepping into her car. She gathered her ankle length floral dress around her legs before sitting down. Her husband and two children were already buckled up and waiting for her.

“A bad joke from work.” Barry waved the plastic flamingo in the air.

“It is. See you at Church!” Chen waved as they pulled out of the driveway. That night Barry promised to find the prankster and end the joke Monday morning. He would take the notes with him to work the next day.

In the morning, Barry found another note waiting for him at the door. He read it as he walked to the car.

“You have until Friday. Throwing us away makes us angry. Soon, Barry, soon.”

The yard now had ten flamingos. He didn’t have time to pull them out. Barry then felt a sensation of being observed. Someone was behind him.

“Hey neighbor!” Chen’s son, Nathan poked his head over the fence. He was seventeen and often snuck out at night to see his girlfriend down the street. Usually Nathan ducked by, hoping not to be seen, but after many failed attempts and embarrassing conversations with Chen, Nathan willingly acknowledged Barry’s presence. The teenage kid felt it was better to try to buy time with his neighbor rather than Barry go directly to Chen. This way, Nathan had time to concoct some wild excuse.

“What’s with all the flamingos?” Nathan tilted his head back in amusement. Barry handed over the notes and explained the horrible prank.

“Cool. Well...I could help you remove the ornaments if you could just not tell my mom you saw me?”

Barry contemplated the deal for a moment, then agreed. It’s not like this time would be the last time Nathan snuck out whether he said something or not.

That evening, two flamingos still occupied the lawn. After Barry told Cheryl that no one knew about the flamingos, he would go over to talk to Nathan. Cheryl became very worried when she heard the news. Barry assured her it was okay. They would figure this out

When Barry went over to talk to Nathan, the boy denied the accusation of not finishing the agreement, Nathan told him that he had indeed plucked all the flamingos. Then the kid’s eyes lit up.

“What if they are alive? What will you do on Friday?” Nathan yelled for the rest of his family. His dad, Roger, who had been sitting in the corner reading the paper, told Nathan not to yell. Chen popped through the kitchen pass-through, and his younger sister, Mary dragged her feet across the carpet and sat on the couch with her phone. Roger put the paper down and told Mary not to drag her feet.

“Now hear me out. I think the flamingos might be dangerous. I plucked 15 out this morning before school! And already a few are back in his yard.”

Chen interrupted. “What? What were you doing outside before Barry went to work? Did you go over to Jennifer’s again? Nathan you're grounded.”

Roger nodded for Nathan to continue.

“This note here makes it seem as if they are going to attack on Friday. What if we were ready for them? You know, gather weapons and surround those gaudy pricks.”

“Nathan, Language.” Chen cut him off.

“Whether you believe the angry Phils or not, this will be fun for us. We haven’t done anything as a family activity in months.”

“We just went to church Sunday. And I believe I have cooked two family dinners since then.”

Nathan ignored her. “Dad, you have to take the day off on Friday and it’s the last day of school for us. Mary and I could miss it. No one learns anything that day anyway.”

Mary looked up from her phone. “I’m in.”

Mary’s willingness to participate sealed the deal. Roger would use a vacation day and the kids would miss the last day of school.

The flamingos multiplied every morning. Neighbors began to pluck the ornaments out at random as they walked by, throwing them into a dumpster Barry rented. The notes became longer with more threats added each day.

Thursday night a majority of neighbors gathered at Ted’s house to finalize the battle plans for the next morning. Ted greeted the door in light slacks and a finely knit turtleneck that reached his chin. Punch and cookies were served before Barry began his speech.

“Thank you all for coming tonight. As you all may be aware, the flamingos named Phil plan to attack tomorrow morning.” Barry began.

“Friday morning? Congratulations, Barry!” The old man that lived at the end of the street commented. He was not fully sure what he was congratulating but he knew something was happening.

“Thank you.” Barry continued. “We plan to convene at 5:30 am as the flamingos rush in around 5:45 am. All recruits will take position around the yard with your battle devices ready. No one attacks until my command. We want to see what they are capable of. Mary, could you list the available weapons, please.” Barry proudly declared. He was quite pleased with the sudden leadership skills. Ordinarily, Barry would be the person in the back of the room taking notes.

“Bebe guns, sticks, rackets, an assortment of sport balls, and nerf guns.”

“Nerf guns?” Ted questioned.

“Yes.” Mary replied bluntly. “Anything is useful. We don’t know what we’re dealing with.”

Even with the occasional whisper early Friday morning, the air felt dead and silent. A pile of ammunition lay next to the gate in Chen’s yard. Ted must have been excited. He arrived ten minutes early in his favorite hawaiian shirt and tight camouflage cargos. Barry wondered if the white socks and birkenstocks would make his feet uncomfortable with the dew of the grass but said nothing. Ted grabbed the nerf gun.

The neighborhood had assembled right before the first Phill arrived. He looked like any ordinary plastic flamingo ornament with circular eyes gazing blankly at nothing. But soon, the yard was crowded.

“They look so harmless.” Mary whispered to Jennifer who had hyped herself up so much she was trembling. Then a flamingo in the front row began to wiggle.

Soon all of the Phils were vibrating, working their way out of the ground. Roger from two houses down crouched and raised his bebe gun to eye level. Soon all of the Phils were suspended in the air, hovering slightly above ground.

Barry opened his mouth to command the first attack but heard a whoosh pass by his ear. Ted shot his nerf gun too early. It sailed through the air and suctioned onto one of the flamingo’s eyes.

Phil began to wobble. It toppled backward hitting another Phil. Like dominos, the plastic lawn ornaments collided to the ground. The pile of lawn ornaments motionless for several minutes as did the neighbors.

“Hi ho! I think we did it!” Ted punched the air in celebration. Phil, who had an unfortunate name for this situation, opened the gate and picked up one of the flamingos. It was hollow and lifeless.

The crowd moved in to clean up the pile, filling the dumpster for one last time. Then dispersed to start their day. Chen hassled her reluctant children to get ready for school. Roger pecked his wife on the cheek before wandering in to get his briefcase.

The next morning, Barry and Cheryl stepped out on the porch with his first coffee of retirement. The fresh air was welcoming. A card lay on the welcome mat. The couple looked out to the lawn. It was littered with holes but clear of Phils. He opened the card. It was signed by all of the neighbors.

Congratulations Barry! Enjoy retirement!