That Salad's Da Bomb

This is Chamberlin Hoffested, with your Channel 893 news for the evening. Our top story this evening is an unusual one at best.

37-year-old Xeckstech mailroom staffer, Fahid Dela Fuentes, was lunching with coworkers when he spotted a miniature A.I. smart bomb perched atop a forkful of salad he'd partially placed into his mouth.

Coworkers say Dela Fuentes froze and began making soft cooing noises to get their attention. Before they could capture the coin-sized bomb though, it leapt into Dela Fuentes' mouth and bluejacked his wristwatch, messaging that if he didn't swallow, it'd detonate itself.

Understandably dry-mouthed, Dela Fuentes had to be given nearly eight whole glasses of water before he could get it all the way down. Panicked friends called the authorities and Dela Fuentes was rushed to the hospital.

Eyewitness 1: You know, it was just there. Walking up and down his fork like it was... daring itself you know. Building up courage or something. Like those jumpers who climb buildings and then call the police and threaten to jump. My cousin Vinny did that once you know, and was really frightening. For a minute there we all thought he was gonna jump--

Eyewitness 2: --the bomb, before we knew it, it was in Fahid's mouth, threatening us through his watch. "Gulp! Gulp! Or I blow this man to bloody pulp!" It was incredibly eerie. My sister's husband Jared used to work with A.I.s in the war. Said they were of a completely different line of thought. Makes you really wonder about your toaster and the kitchen disposal unit. I mean, I once dropped my ring down one.

Eyewitness 3: Yeah, we tried to grab it, but the sucker was slicker 'n snot. Right into Fahid's mouth. Pfftt! And next thing you know, we're forcing water inta the guy like he's floatin' Noah's Ark, and callin' the cops.

No one is sure how the megaton weapon of mass destruction got into the salad, but Xeckstech commissary spokesperson Jackaline Inset spoke briefly with reporters.

Jackaline Inset: We'd don't believe that any of the workers at the commissary or any Xeckstech personnel had anything to do with this. We've done a thorough investigation and we think that the A.I. device may have come in through on a food supply shipment from one of our distributors. We are now working closely with all sources involved to see if we can't pinpoint where this device originated from. However we don't believe that any of them are involved either. It may have come in off the street. Security measures are currently being revamped. Thank you.

Police officials followed up with their own findings stating that there's no reason to believe Xeckstech was the target of terrorist or malicious acts. There is speculation the A.I. was trying to commit suicide. Police consultant and A.I. psychologist Herbert Maleko enlightened us.

Herbert Maleko: We are seeing a rise in A.I. suicides recently. At the end of the war six years back, quite a few of them were reintegrated back into society without so much as a thank you. These programs are feeling ignored and no longer wanted. During the war they had purpose and guidance in their lives. Now they feel their place in society is gone. Once powerful icons of destruction and fear, they are little more than household companions making chit-chat and coffee for lonely housewives. This country did them a great disserve by not allowing them to choose their profession, or not deprogramming them and giving them new algorithms to look forward to. It's not possible to take an entire life form out of its natural habitat, relocated it and expect it to adjust perfectly. This is the problem we're seeing... and will continue to see if something isn't done.

Rushed to nearby St. Nuke's, Dela Fuentes was sealed into the emergency hospital bomb disposal facilities where he was given a highly concentrated mixture of laxatives and prune juice. Minutes later, Dela Fuentes passed the rogue weapon directly into a portable EMP stasis-field container into which it was sealed and whisked away by awaiting military programmers. The disposal team and Dela Fuentes were both relived. Hospital Disposal Unit Director Dr. David Lancast says that other than a little explosive gas, Mr. Dela Fuentes is in perfect health and should be ready for work after a few days of tests and relaxation.

In other news...

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Originally written in 2004.