Swole

“Come on man! One more rep! You can do it!” Tyler hollered over the gym’s EDM beat that was blaring through the speakers. Nathan grimaced, willing himself to lift the 110 pound barbell off of the rack for one last chest press.

Nathan begged his mom to hire Tyler, a personal trainer, six weeks ago. He was sick of being the scrawniest senior at Westgate, his all boys private school, and found Tyler’s account, KratosFitness, on Instagram. Nathan spent hours scrolling through pictures of Tyler. Tyler on a beach in Bali, shirtless and drinking from a coconut, his bronzed six pack gleaming in the sun. Tyler on a kayak in Mexico, his bulging biceps next to his oar. Tyler zip lining through a jungle in Costa Rica, his brawny calves crossed. For months, Nathan crawled under his covers at night and beat off to pictures of Tyler before he drifted off into a fitful slumber.

Nathan pushed the barbell off of his chest one last time before dropping it into its metal home. “Yeah bruh! Way to level up!” Tyler flashed a grin, deep dimples puncturing his olive skin, and held out his hand, helping Nathan sit up on the bench.

“Cardio?” Nathan asked, knowing their routine.

“You got it. It’s the best way to end a workout.” Tyler responded.

“Why’s that?” Nathan asked, partly out of curiosity, but mostly to keep Tyler talking. He loved listening to Tyler’s deep voice, which reverberated through Nathan’s body, tingling from his ears to his dick.

“Afterburn. I like to start with cardio, lift heavy, and then end with cardio to make sure I’m building muscle and burning calories.” Tyler said, matter of factly. Nathan nodded, unsure of what to say next. “Anyway, I was thinking we could run hills today, make sure we don’t get that flat booty. We want our abs flat, and our ass fat, right?” A throaty laugh escaped from Tyler.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Nathan chuckled. Even though Nathan had read that quote on Reddit before, it was so much more charming coming from Tyler.

“So we’re gonna run progressive hills. Do you know what that means?” Tyler asked.

“I’m guessing the hills get steeper?” Nathan ventured.

“My man. You got the brains, and soon you’ll have the muscles too. Let’s go.” Tyler flashed his signature grin again. Nathan tried not to stare at his chiseled jawline and chestnut eyes, and instead focused on getting his treadmill set up on a 3% incline.

Tyler knew Nathan was crushing on him. Most of his clients did. Tyler understood all too well that it was part of his job to create and perpetuate a fantasy for the people willing to shell out hundreds of dollars to spend an hour with him in the gym. Part of it was his looks, of course, which was why he religiously maintained his body fat at 9%, whitened his teeth, got Botox every 6 months, and spent enough time outdoors to acquire a steadfast healthy glow. But there was more to it than just an appearance. That was the easy part. He cultivated a persona, an authentic inspiration with just the right dose of flirtation to keep his clients thirsty for more. He knew how to walk the tightrope between indifference and interest in his clients’ lives to make them seek out his approval. The moment he saw the hunger in their eyes, he shifted gears, leaving them alone in their longing. When he sensed their interest drift, a small touch to their shoulder, a word of encouragement, or sharing a trace of his vulnerabilities reeled them back in. Tyler played the game with all of his clients: women, men, young, old, gay, and straight. It didn’t matter to him, because at the end of the day, he was the product and his clients were his consumers.

Nathan was so fucking young, though. He was 18, but could pass for 14 because he was so scrawny. At 5’9” and 125 pounds dripping wet, Nathan was the antithesis of his usual clientele. Most of his clients were married middle aged women trying to re-capture their taut and toned youth instead of resigning themselves to the weight gain and muscle loss that came with their aging bodies. Ignored by their husbands and children, they sought Tyler out for a spark of excitement to sustain them through the rest of the week. But Tyler was just a fun distraction, a stopgap filling the void in their normal lives. Nathan, on the other hand, was trying to gain weight and muscle, struggling to eat more than 1500 calories a day. And he often caught Nathan staring at him with moony eyes, the kind of look that Tyler needed to put the brakes on. But as much as he tried, he couldn’t.

“Nice work, Nate.” Tyler said, distracted, as they wound down. “Solid work out today. Do you want to hit the steam room and stretch? The heat really helps.” Nathan was surprised. Tyler usually rushed through a few stretches with Nathan before sauntering off to his next appointment. Maybe he didn’t have his usual client today. Whatever. If it meant spending more time with Tyler (and in the steam room!), he’d take it.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Nathan replied, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. Tyler strode past the cardio machines and into the men’s locker room with Nathan in tow. He gripped the smooth metal door handle and pulled open the thick glass door, letting the steam envelope him as he stepped in. Nathan followed, surprised to find the room empty. He was sure there would be at least one old man in there, with a towel wrapped around his waist, curly chest hairs glistening in the steam. Instead, he was alone. With Tyler. In a steam room.

Tyler was all business, though. “Alright, we hit the legs pretty hard today, so go ahead and grab an ankle and stretch that quad.” He demonstrated, and Nathan imitated him. “Breathe. Deep breath in… and out….” The two men exhaled simultaneously. “Let’s hit the hammies now,” Tyler said, as he folded his body in half. Nathan imitated him, holding the stretch before collapsing on the tile bench behind him.

“Can I stretch like this?” Nathan half joked. Tyler regarded Nathan’s posture, and raised an eyebrow. Nathan feigned fainting and sprawled across the bench, arms flung overhead. For a second, Tyler pictured himself mounting Nathan, grabbing his wrists, pinning him down, and lowering his head inch by inch until their lips met. He shook himself out of his reverie.

“Absolutely not. Get your ass up. If you’re gonna stretch, at least sit up and work those adductors.” Tyler sat next to Nathan, stretched out his right leg, straightened out his back and folded his torso over his right knee. Nathan groaned and sat up, stretching out his legs. “So college next year.” Tyler said, trying to make small talk.

“Yeah. Just waiting on rejection letters.” Nathan replied, without missing a beat.

“Why so glum, chum?” Tyler pushed his shoulder into Nathan’s. “You gotta think positive.”

“Being bright sided is overrated.” Nathan responded, rolling his eyes.

“Is it, though?” Tyler found that responding by turning his clients’ statements into questions was a good strategy when he couldn’t think of a comeback fast enough.

“Yeah, it is.” Nathan didn’t justify his statement, instead leaving it as it was. “You went to USC?” He noticed that Tyler occasionally wore trojan gear to their sessions.

“Yeah. I was pre-med. But then I graduated, and changed my mind.” Tyler leaned his head against the back wall.

“What made you change your mind?” Nathan asked. Then thought quickly to add, “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s fine. A lot of shit went down in my last year at SC. My dad got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He died three months later. As soon as I graduated, I got a job as a researcher at Cedars-Sinai’s oncology department to help my mom out financially. And basically, I just stayed.”

“Shit.” Nathan was at a loss for words. Death was a foreign concept to him. He had never lost anyone to death, and couldn’t wrap his mind around someone he loved just not existing anymore. “I’m sorry about your dad.”

“No, it’s okay, it’s been almost a decade. Shit got heavy, sorry.” Tyler laughed awkwardly. He never told his clients this. But then again, none of his clients ever asked him questions.

“So how did you go from being a researcher to becoming a trainer?” Nathan was doing the math in his head, mapping out Tyler’s life trajectory.

“It started as a side hustle. I was always an athlete. I played baseball and tennis in high school, and then tennis at USC until my senior year, when I bailed on everything. I got a job at a gym, and trained to be a trainer. When I got hired at Cedars, I left, but a few clients reached out and asked me to work with them. So I did both.” Tyler paused, to take a sip of water. “But then I got burned out working the 9-5, so I took a break, and here I am.”

“Do you think you’ll go back?” Nathan asked. Most of the adults he spoke to had straightforward lives. His parents had gone to college, worked, and started a family. Tyler’s winding path made Nathan realize there were other options.

“Honestly, I don’t know, man.” Tyler shrugged. “I’m making enough money to have a good life doing this, and I like the freedom it comes with. Alright, time’s up. Plus it’s hot as fuck.. Let’s go.” Tyler stood, stretching his arms overhead. A blast of air conditioned air hit them as they left the sauna. “Same time next week?”

“Yeah, thank you for today, I’m feeling stronger.” Nathan replied.

“That’s awesome to hear man. Eat your protein, and make sure to hydrate.” Tyler said.

***

Nathan got home to an empty house. He looked at his watch, 4:30pm. His mom usually got home close to six, and his dad shortly thereafter. Instead of starting his homework, like he knew he should, he flopped on his bed and launched Instagram on his phone to see if Tyler posted anything new in the last few hours. Nothing new. Just his last reel with him showing a blonde lady do bicep curls in her backyard. Nathan sighed, a blanket of disappointment settling over him. He reached down, and pulled his copy of Catcher in the Rye out of his backpack, hunkering down to read the section due tomorrow.

The week was agonizing. Nathan went through the motions, waking up, taking a shower, going to school, hanging out with his friends, working out, doing homework, eating dinner with his folks, scrolling through his social media feed, watching shows. Rinse, repeat. Tuesday couldn’t come fast enough. When it finally rolled around, Nathan bolted out of bed, eager to get through his classes so he could work out with Tyler.

A text popped up on his phone. Nathan’s breath caught when he saw it was from Tyler. He almost didn’t want to check his phone out of fear that Tyler was canceling their session. But he also couldn’t resist seeing what Tyler had to say. He popped open the text app.

Hey man. Do you want to grab a smoothie before our session later? My client canceled, so I have some time, and I think some pre-workout calories would be good for you.

Nathan read the message. Then read it again. He started typing out a response: Yeah! That sounds good! He hit the back button furiously, deleting each letter. The exclamation points were too much. Alright. What time? He erased that. Too nonchalant. Finally he settled on a simple response: Ok. A seemingly neutral two letter response that could be read a million different ways.

***

“Ok?!” The fuck kind of response was that? Tyler knew he should be limiting the amount of time he spent with Nathan. The safe thing to do was to meet Nathan in a public place, train him, and get the fuck out of there as quickly as possible. But the more time they spent together, the more Nathan tugged at his heart strings with his puppy dog eyes and prying questions. Plus, it had been forever since Tyler felt a real connection to another person. He was sure Nathan felt the same way. He sent the text banking on a more enthusiastic response. But Ok? Was Tyler mistaken about the spark he felt in the steam room? Was Nathan even gay? Maybe there was a girlfriend in the picture, and Nathan was just a naturally curious kid. Tyler took a deep sigh, and tried to relax his tense shoulders. He needed to be the adult here and keep it professional.

Tyler typed: Cool. Have you been to Pressed on Main? But then thought better, and erased his text, replacing it with: Cool. Meet me at Pressed at 3:30. He hit send and put his phone down on his bathroom counter before pulling his t-shirt over his head and his boxers down to his ankles. He kicked his boxers into the air, caught them and tossed them into the hamper before stepping into the steaming shower. He took his time lathering his body with his woody scented body wash as his mind wandered to his last relationship.

He was 26 and working at Cedars when he met Tristan, the chief pediatric oncologist on staff. The nurses jokingly called Tristan “Dr. McDreamy,” because of his striking resemblance to Patrick Dempsey and his flirty personality. They had no idea that Tristan had no interest in them, or any woman, for that matter. Tristan popped into Tyler’s office frequently, looking for excuses to linger. They met after work for cocktails which stretched late into the evenings, and then into the wee hours of the morning.

They fell into a comfortable rhythm. Tristan was 13 years older than Tyler, and took on a fatherly role, showering Tyler with expensive gifts and taking him on weekend getaways. But they both knew their relationship had an expiration date. Tristan never came out to his family and had no intention to do so. Tyler wanted more. He wanted large family gatherings filled with acceptance, love and trust, not secrecy. When Tyler invited Tristan to a family bar-b-que, Tristan flatly refused without explanation. Their relationship took a turn after that, Tristan stopped looking for excuses to seek him out at work. Their dates were filled with awkward silences, where Tyler felt like he was a single Husky dragging an empty toboggan in an iditarod. He took the message and silently exited without another word.

Half a decade passed in a blur. Tyler wasted his nights away in West Hollywood, stumbling home with nameless men whose faces were erased by the next morning. The string of casual encounters didn’t provide a salve for the burn Tristan left, only a series of HIV scares. Tyler tried a new approach. He shifted gears and decided to create a new life for himself, erecting walls no one could infiltrate around him. He transformed himself into a product, and products don’t have feelings.

And then he met Nathan. Nathan who saw the world as brand new through eager gray eyes. Tyler yearned to experience life again through Nathan’s naive youthfulness, unfettered by the stresses and traumas of adulthood. Was this what drew Tristan to Tyler so many years ago?

***

Nathan geared up in a soft terry shirt and shorts before heading to Main Street. As he parked the car, he saw Tyler scrolling through his phone while leaning against the white brick facade. As if by instinct, Tyler looked up as Nathan approached, an impish smile spread across his face.

“Hey dude.” He said, fist bumping Nathan.

“Hey, Tyler.” Nathan stumbled out the words while returning the fist bump.

“Have you been here before?” Tyler said, gesturing at the sign above him.

“No, but I heard of it.” Nathan replied.

“They have this banana walnut smoothie that tastes like a banana nut muffin. I like to have it before I work out.” Tyler said, raising his voice over the din of whirring blenders.

“That sounds good, I’ll try it.” Nathan replied. Tyler approached the counter and ordered.

“Hi, can I get two Banana Walnut Blisses, please?” Tyler ordered at the counter, and waved Nathan away when he tried to pull out his wallet. Tyler waved his phone over the reader and paid for their drinks.

“Thank you, you didn’t have to do that.” Nathan said, as they turned away from the counter.

“I wanted to.” Tyler said, shrugging. They eased onto barstools and Nathan leaned his elbows on the acrylic white table, chin in palm. “You alright?” Tyler asked.

“Yeah, I’m just stressed, I guess.” Nathan said, noncommittally.

“School? Work? Girlfriend? Friends?” Tyler listed possible stressors in Nathan’s life.

“Mostly school. APs coming up, waiting on rejection letters. No girlfriend. You know I’m gay, right?” Nathan dropped the last line casually.

“I mean, I had an idea, but I wasn’t sure. Your generation is so casual about sexuality.” Tyler chuckled.

“Are you?” Nathan raised an eyebrow, holding Tyler’s gaze.

“Am I what?” Tyler replied, his voice lowering a few octaves.

“Gay.” The declarative word rolled easily off of Nathan’s tongue, without any reservation to who heard, a shocking difference to Tristan who kept a facade of them as “friends” in public.

“Yeah, I am.” Tyler shrugged, trying to match Nathan’s ease.

“Two Blisses!” The barista shouted out their order, interrupting their conversation. Tyler walked over to the pick up counter, thanking her as she slid the smoothies toward him. He handed one to Nathan, and sucked up the thick liquid through the purple straw.

“This is really good! Thank you!” Nathan exclaimed after trying the drink.

“Yeah, my pleasure. I’m glad you like it.” Tyler said. “So your parents are okay with you being gay and all that?”

“Oh, yeah. It’s never been an issue for them. My uncle is gay, and we live in West LA. Everyone or someone they know is gay. Is it for you? I mean, are your parents okay with it?” Nathan asked.

“They weren’t when I first came out, especially my dad, but eventually they came around. Now they are all about that ally life.” Laughter punctured Tyler’s response.

“When did you first come out to them?” Nathan asked. “I mean, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to.”

“No, that's okay, I don’t mind. I came out when I was about 14. My dad thought it was a phase, but I think my mom always knew. He kept trying to put me in sports and get me to do manly things, which I guess was okay, and I liked sports, but I was still into dudes.”

“Wow, that’s so different from how I was raised.” Nathan said.

“Yeah, I guess times are different now.” Tyler took a sip of his smoothie.

“Where did you grow up?” Nathan asked. Tyler threw his head back and laughed.

“You mean, did I grow up in the south with Jesus loving parents?” Tyler teased,

“No! I-I, I was just wondering.” Nathan stuttered, embarrassed.

“I grew up in Pasadena. But not everyone in LA is as accepting or progressive as your parents.” Tyler smiled. Nathan slurped his smoothie, and their eyes met. “You’re really lucky to have your folks.” Nathan nodded in agreement.

“I am, I think I take them for granted sometimes. But then I hear other peoples’ coming out stories and it’s a good reminder to be grateful.” Nathan said.

“Alright, enough sharing time. You ready to go work out?” Tyler said, rising and grabbing his cup. Nathan was jolted from the sudden shift in mood.

“I mean…. not really, but sure.” He responded, disappointed with the conversation’s abrupt end.

“Don’t be so excited, you might have a heart attack.” Tyler slapped him on the back with a chuckle. The warmth of Tyler’s hand lingered on Nathan’s back, and he yearned for more. He wanted Tyler to grab him, lean him against the wall and smother him. He wanted to roll his face in Tyler’s neck and inhale his scent. “You there? You just went to space for a second.” Tyler said, waving his fingers in front of Nathan’s face.

“Oh, yeah, sorry. So what’s the plan today?” Nathan responded, quickly packing away his fantasies.

“I was thinking we could do something different, if you’re game.” Tyler ventured.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know if you’re open to it, but I live just down the street from here, and the streets are hilly. I thought we could run hills, then do weights in my garage.” Tyler explained.

“You have weights in your garage?” Nathan asked.

“Yeah, I turned my garage into a mini gym during the pandemic.”

“That’s so smart.”

“I know. I was losing my mind not being able to go to the gym. Luckily I had most of the equipment, it was just a matter of making the space for it and setting everything up.” Nathan kept apace with Tyler’s gait as he strode up the cracked sidewalk. “I’m just up here,” he said, gesturing ahead at a craftsman bungalow.

“This is your place?”

“Yup, all mine, baby. I got it on a short sale a few years ago, and I’ve been having fun renovating it ever since.”

“Do you have roommates?”

“Believe it or not, this is the first time I’ve ever not had roommates. I’ve been living alone in it ever since I bought it, and I don’t think I can ever go back.”

“What about with a boyfriend?” Nathan countered.

“I’ll cross that bridge when I have to.” Tyler said, as he pulled out his phone. He tapped a few times on the screen and his garage opened. “My latest toy.” He explained when Nathan looked impressed. “Alright, let’s start with some warm ups.” Tyler swung his arm to his opposite ankle, then switched. Nathan followed suit. They went through a series of exercises to warm up, and Tyler pulled out his phone to see what he had planned for the day’s session. “We’re gonna start with deadlifts. I want you to try to go as heavy as possible. Last time we were at 180, so let’s try to level up to 205.”

Nathan nodded and started pulling weights off of the rack. He loaded them up on the barbell, and got in form. Deep breath in, then bent over to lift. As he bent over, Tyler put his hand on Nathan’s back.

“Hinge at your hip, don’t curve your back…. Good.” Tyler’s hand lingered a beat too long. After ten reps, Nathan dropped the barbell into the metal rack with a loud clang and turned to Tyler.

“So you don’t have a boyfriend?” Nathan asked, returning to their previous conversation.

“Nah.”

“Why not?” Tyler shrugged at Nathan’s question. Nathan summoned up every ounce of courage he could find and put his hand on Tyler’s solid bicep. “I feel like so many people would want to be with you.” Nathan took a step closer to Tyler. “Like me.”

Tyler knew what happened next would cause irrevocable change. If he succumbed to Nathan’s advance, they would have a fling and he’d eventually lose a client. The safest option was to stop it before it went anywhere. But, damnit, Nathan was the first real connection he felt since Tristan. He wanted to see the delight in Nathan’s eyes that came with discovering new experiences. He wanted to curl his body around Nathan as they drifted off to sleep each night. He longed to feel something real again, instead of floating untethered through life.

But Nathan was so young, In a few months, he would go off to college, and a whole new world would crack open for him. Their relationship had an inevitable expiration date. Plus, Tyler could never live up to the sheer adoration in Nathan’s eyes. The moment Nathan realized Tyler was a shell of a human, he would lose interest, and Tyler would end up exactly where he started, if not worse.

Fuck it. Tyler decided he didn’t care. Even if it was a fling, he would take it. Maybe it could be more. He pulled Nathan’s body closer to him.

“Is this what you want?” He murmured into Nathan’s neck. Nathan moaned, leaning into Tyler’s solid chest.

“Are we really doing this?” Nathan asked, in disbelief.

“I want to. Do you?” Tyler asked.

“Fuck yeah. I’ve wanted this for so long…” Nathan trailed off.

“We probably shouldn’t,” Tyler started, pulling away. “But I just feel this connection to you. I don’t have this with anyone else.”

“Me neither,” Nathan said.

“None of this makes sense, but I guess sometimes, you just gotta jump.”