Stained Glass

I was wondering if you could be my daddy. Or tell me where to fnd him, or maybe just exchange words as to why I never met him. I was wondering if you could be my first love, and if a boy did anything less than love me, you would hurt them more than they could have hurt me so.

Now I was just wondering which one of you two share the same genes with me, because the other just learned to run away. Mama's gone so i grew up with unanswered questions. She left me and i lack knowledge of her. Then daddy left me, trying to save me from the dark place mama left me in. Two worlds apart, but car accidents was what stopped their derooted hearts. The ones that did beat for me at a point in time, the hearts i never shared unconditional love for. Yet still, the fault we find in time, finds within us the burden that it has to carry for us.

I always wondered how little me was to grow into a true woman one day. You weren't there for me to even look up to, instead i had to look past someone like you. And how was i supposed to love a man when you weren't there to show me any better. How could you even teach me something that you yourself never knew. There's a way words should reach men, and there's a way to hold them. And there's a fire in me that was always supposed to fuel them. And i blame you sometimes for the struggles I go through because i never even knew you.

And i grew my strengths on my own, and still to this day battle suppressed childhood pains that remain misunderstood. Am i like my mother or did i inherit daddy's traits. Something i'll never know.

Two days now I told granny I am dying of thirst. She laughs as she hands me a bottle of Carib to drink. As if i had no sense at that young age to differentiate between beer and water. Begging for a morsel of food just to stay alive sometimes. Hoping that old man who looks at you with beastiality under his smile doesn't give me more than just a meal.

Growing pains was the sex and alcohol you call home. But is it even really home. I thought home was where the heart lies, but the faces i recall resembled where the heartless reside. Every crevice in my dust ridden heels conjured up a mile long story to tell of those dirt filled tracks i frequented. These feet of mine walked everywhere with no need for shoes, and it was all i knew. Thinking presents came early because I don't recall birthdays, I just got some new dumpster clothes and remained the happiest child alive. I didn't know any better. Yet I never wanted anything more.

And he once called me a Lotus Flower. Far from an alcoholic or a prostitute, I remained in my purest form. Grandma loved sex and died from an overdose of too many men inside of her they say. Mama was her sweet 16 money maker, until I became that flower that bloomed inside her. They called her Doll, and I know she always wore those ruby red lipsticks just like me. And i wonder too, what price daddy paid for mama that night. She was young and untouched just like the rest of his seeds he planted in every lost soul. At least so i have been told. Had he no sense of what loyalty was?

And then i sit and think. Well what good would i have even learned from mama and daddy. What good did they leave me. Not even love settled. I was just another unexpected pleasure chest affair. Or did mama and daddy departure from this world allow for the pickaxe to pry a foundation where black diamonds never pullulate? Because i was just a walking beautitude, and no one really knew.

And then emptiness creeped inside sometimes, because I never had anything but childhood voids to fill it with. The kind no child should have to live through. Yet i was never empty fully, because something greater lived inside of me. Happiness always clothed me. And i taught myself everything i learned about loving a man, stealing hearts with daddy's big bright smile i had. My flesh was still tender, but that's where those memories lay.

The home was somewhat broken, but something always kept my spirit alive. That was God writing my life into me I say. So what love did i know, but only of God. Never did I know there was a name to what placed the hunger inside my soul, that led me to an angel's door.

The one who raised me brewed the finest, and i love her because she loved me better than any of the rest. But love for a man, she never truly knew either. So i was just wondering if you could be my daddy today. And show me how a man should love me like you would every day.