Silence of Time

They say a dying man prays for solace. I only pray that I find him in time.

Everything is crimson and out of focus. It’s like trying to see through a mud splattered windshield, with the wipers smearing dirt across the entire surface. Grasping onto a rail, the cold metal bites into my skin, I don’t feel the freezing burn, only an emptiness inside. Grabbing a handkerchief, I wipe blood from my face and my sight clears enough for me to get my bearings. I try to tune out the madness surrounding me and focus, I need to find my son.

I don't know if it is the frigid night air or fear that makes my muscles shake and quiver uncontrollably. I must not panic, or I am of no use to him.

It was my fault that we are now separated.

When it all began, I held his hand with no intention of letting go, then all hell broke loose. When the explosion went off, people panicked. No one expected that to happen, the explosion part, the panic was a given. The crowd ran in every direction, which was crazy, where were they going to go?

We were packed together so tight, people who fell were being trampled where they lay, no one stopped to help. Their cries and our screams echoed into an incoherent babble with-in the tight corridor. Our forward progress halted as men in uniform blocked our way, we could go no further. They had barred the exit, some in the crowd fought back. I noticed a small opening in the gate where a child could fit through.

Shouts of anger filled the stairwell, when we heard they were willing to take the children, but we were to be left behind.

Grasping my son by the shoulders I made him look at me, he needed to see my words. Before I could say anything, his blue eyes became wide as the moon, tears burst forth like rain falling from dark clouds. Vigorously shaking his head. He knew I was asking more of him then I should.

I reached into my coat, pulled out my pocket watch that was my grandfathers, then my fathers, now mine. The time showed twelve thirty a.m., less than an hour since the chaos began. I raised the watch towards him as an offering, instead he threw himself into my embrace. Suddenly the crowd surged forward, and he shot out of my arms, we were like salmon caught in the currents. Helplessly I watched as he was passed from person to person until he slipped through the hole in the metal barrier. His eyes sought me out, I raised my hand, index finger pointed upward. He saw and he knew. When ever we went out, we always arranged a meeting place should we become separated. His tiny arm shot up, index finger pointing upward, he understood. Then he was gone.

They were mistaken to think a metal fence would stop us from being with our children. It didn't take long to smash our way through, but long enough considering time was against us. The men in uniform seemed shocked, they tried to calm us down, then realized the foolishness of that action. Two of them tripped while trying to flee and were crushed under frantic feet.

I now find myself outside, fighting against a herd of frightened people, trying to find my son. He is all I have left in this world that matters. Tucking the handkerchief away, I feel a sudden calm amidst the chaos. The night is surreal, I stand under the clearest of skies, millions of stars sparkle in the dark. Twinkling with life like the heartbeat of heaven. A mist forms in front of my face with every panicked breath I take. Reality is shaken back into me as another blast from below erupts.

******************************************************

When father woke me, I could see the panic in his eyes, even though he smiled while helping me dress. I was confused when he put my coat on, wondering why we would be going outside. People were running everywhere, in a chaotic fashion, bouncing against us as they ran past. Father’s grip on my hand tightened in such a way I was scared to let go. Still half asleep, I didn’t know what was happening. I remember running down the hall, then the floor shook, and we hit the wall real hard, I was now fully awake, wishing I was still asleep.

We were pressed tightly against each other, like sheep in a pen. I was frightened because I could see people screaming and feel the uneven vibration of the ship beneath my feet. Poppa stopped moving, but the people behind us didn’t. I felt crushed as the crowd pushed us forward then back. Between the people I could see a gate sliding shut. Poppa pulled me close to him and didn’t move, while others up front threw themselves against it, but they just bounced back.

I was grateful, I could not hear the madness going on around me. The fever that took my sister and mother also took my hearing.

I can feel sounds, it’s like being stuffed in a barrel under water, only muffled vibrations seep through.

Father grabbed me firmly but gently by the shoulders and turned me to face him. He needed me to see his lips move. I noticed the tiny opening in the gate, big enough for a child but not an adult, I knew what he was going to ask. Hard as I tried, I could not stop the tears from falling. They poured out of me like the day of the funeral.

When I wiped my eyes, I saw father holding his pocket watch in front of me, he was saying goodbye. It broke my heart to see father like this, I was not going to leave him, we only have each other. Before he could say anything, I jumped into his arms, I wasn’t going to let go, then we started to move again, and I felt myself torn from father’s arms. I remember being picked up and passed from hand to hand till I found myself with other crying children at the gate. Men in uniform grabbed me and before I could stop them, I was through, still being passed from one person to the next. I saw my father pointing upward in the air. I did the same, hoping he saw before I was taken away. I knew where I had to go, I knew where we would meet.

Now, I am outside and being dragged by a man whose mouth keeps moving. I can’t tell if what he is saying is important and I don’t care. Yanking free, I begin to run through legs, and dodging groping hands. I have to get to the meeting place fast, so father doesn’t think I am somewhere else, and leave. When I arrive, he isn’t here, I am scared. Peering through the window, I see the big staircase packed with people standing around. The Gentlemen are all dressed up, holding drinks and smoking cigars. Why aren’t they running outside, like all of us? Leaning against the outside wall under the painting of a white star, I tune the world out and wait for father. Hoping he won’t leave without me.

***************************************************************

Fighting the crowds, pushing my way through, and having punched more than one man tonight. I feel exhausted, until I see my boy tucked in the corner, under the window with the white star. For a few hours every day, us third-class passengers were allowed up from the decks below for fresh air. From here we would watch the upper-class people stroll past and enter the great hall. I chose this spot as our meeting place, not because we were envious, but because he loves the stars.

I was watching people line up at the lifeboats. Men saying farewell to the women and children. Some stay, while others with their backs straight, walk away. Our reunion though happy was brief, we need to get on one of those lifeboats. I am shocked at how reserved many of the people seem to be, milling around like it is just an average night. Realizing I need to take full advantage of this before they begin acting like rats fleeing a ship.

Holding him tight, his head burrows deep into my jacket collar, I can’t imagine what he must be thinking. With purposeful steps I approach the man in charge and take my place in line, when our turn comes, he looks once at me then his eyes drift past. I step in front of his vision. With a shake of his head, he motions me aside. I don’t have time to play this game. We are all on this ship and we are all about to go down with it. In this moment, money and class have no distinction, death isn’t choosey about who it takes.

I do not speak English and I am certain he doesn’t speak my language, at this time there is only one thought and we all had it. As our eyes lock, I am unsure of what he sees but he quickly holds out his arms for my son. Turning from me, he places my little boy into the arms of a large lady wearing a fur coat, already seated. I step forward about to enter when his hand gently pushes against my chest, halting my progress. His look makes it clear, this is as far as I can go. I nod my thanks and step to the side. My son starts to rise, I gently motion for him to sit down. I then assist the men as we push the craft over the rails so it can be lowered. Confused why we are doing this while there are still seats available. I give my child a nod and try to look confident. I stand tall so he can see me, I want him to know I’m not abandoning him by choice.

Before anyone can react, a nightmare begins to play out in front of me. I feel powerless to stop it, my son is falling.

*********************************************************

Tucking my knees up and wrapping my arms around them for warmth, I don’t know how long I’ve been waiting, but I will not cry. Looking up, father is in front of me, I cannot explain how excited I feel as he picks me up and hugs me. I keep my head buried into his shoulder. I want to stay in his arms forever, but suddenly father is handing me to a man in uniform, and then into the arms of a strange lady. I watch him stare as the boat slowly lowers, he waves me down as I try to rise. He smiles, but it is hollow and empty. Without thought I wriggle free of the woman who holds me, standing up, I push off the edge of the boat, and try to leap back onto the ship. I realize I am not going to make it. My hand grabs onto the railing, but the metal is slippery, I can’t hang on. I am going to plunge into the dark cold waters below.

My hand slips, and I begin to fall, then a jerk stops my descent, my feet are dangling over the waves below. Looking up I see my father’s face, his hand clutching my arm. He is as scared as I have ever seen, yet no one is stronger than my father. He raises me onto the ship and holds me close. It is the only time I saw poppa cry.

*********************************************************

We make our way back to the corner under the window and sink down to the deck. Time no longer matters as I hold my son. For this moment the world belongs to only us, the surrounding craziness disappears as we sit in silence. Closing my eyes, I think to a better time when we were whole. This fantasy vanishes as I feel pressure on my brow, he is wiping the blood from my face. Instinctually I touch my right hand to my mouth and motion outward, he smiles at this simple gesture of thanks. Staring into the night sky he points to the stars in the heavens and looks at me. I nod yes, mother and sister are up there.

The stars fade as flares shoot high into the night. Brightening the dark and banishing the fear, if only for a moment. I glance over to the last of the lifeboats and then to him. Reaching into my coat I once again remove my watch. This time I place it lovingly into his tiny hands. He knows I am passing this on before it's time. Brave little lad gently accepts the gift. Reaching up, he holds my face and brings his head close to mine until our foreheads touch. We stay like this until I know there is no more time. Holding him close, I stand and march over to the man in the uniform once more. I am baffled by the tears in his eyes as he accepts my boy, then realize, he has a child of his own. He is given to a young lady in a heavy fur coat, her eyes though red are strong, she looks directly at me, inclining her head in acknowledgment.

Standing back, I watch as they lower safely to the dark waters below. While others rush madly around, finally realizing the depth of this situation, the officer shakes my hand then disappears. I will not move but stand firm as he drifts away.

I hope he knows; I gave him the only gift I could, and that this isn’t goodbye. Before he fades away from my sight forever, I raise my arm and point to the stars.

Others wander aimlessly about, like sinners searching for redemption, knowing it isn’t there. Somewhere in the dark, music floats upon the night air, ‘Nearer, my God, to thee' plays as all hell breaks loose.

******************************************************

Father stands alone at the rails, brave as I shall forever remember, his silhouette frozen in time. My heart beats faster, as I watch him raise an arm. Standing on the seat I lift mine as high as possible so he will see it, I refuse to move. As we drift further away, he grows smaller. We stay like this until the lights on the great ship flicker once, then go out forever. My eyes never leave the spot, until I see the great ship rear up, pointing to the night sky, then slips beneath the water like it was never there.

I cannot hear the sounds but know there must be voices calling out in the dark. Gentle hands pull me down, exhausted I collapse within a stranger’s arms, and rest while her caring hand strokes my head.

Staring at the pocket watch, I open it, 2:02 am.

I suddenly feel angry that he gave me this. I want my father, not some stupid old time piece. Raising my arm to throw it into the water, I see the stars around me.

Gently tucking his gift into my pocket, I finally understand. It wasn’t the watch he was giving me.

It was time.

Thank you,

Jason Basaraba

Photo by Kyle Gregory Devadas on Unsplash