Salsa Spider

A scientist comes across a spider in his bowl of salsa and the questions begin. Do spiders like salsa? Do they require chips? What is this spider's intention?

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That luscious reheated-Mexican-food steam-cloud billowed out past the microwave door and washed over Lester’s face. It infiltrated his nostrils.

Oh yeah. This was dinner… again. A fresh Sunday dinner with heaping portions making for a leftover Monday dinner at home. The tortillas were soggy, the refried beans were rerefried beans… the salsa… non-existent. Lester had used up all the salsa the first time around. But that’s okay, he had his own salsa already poured out in a tiny bowl on the stove behind him.

Lester whirled around, plate of leftovers in hand, and he set the food down on the stove. He reached for the bowl of store bought medium salsa in order to plop it onto the plate when suddenly…

…movement!

In the salsa!

Tiny legs! Eight of them! Crawling into the salsa bowl!

A spider, fairly large was crawling quickly into the salsa bowl that Lester’s hand was a mere two inches from.

“Gah!” Lester screamed out.

His next reaction was to blow a sharp burst of air from his mouth at the spider. It flung the spider into the air, it flew out of the bowl, and it landed onto the stove. The eight legs wiggled around quickly, pulling the spider back upright again.

Lester panicked. What should he do? Kill the thing?

Lester didn’t want to kill the spider. It was just an innocent creature. But then again, it could be lethal. It could be dangerous. It could hurt him. It could kill his cat San Juan with a bite, perhaps. Lester wasn’t good at identifying how dangerous a spider was. Who was? These things moved so quickly. How was someone to identify if this spider was a threat to you and your loved ones with a moment’s notice?

If it was a spider that could hurt, that could kill, Lester may consider killing it… as much as he didn’t like the idea of killing anything. It kind of becomes a ‘you or me’ scenario. If he let the spider live and it got to San Juan and bit him, that could be bad news. If he killed the spider and it was the type that couldn’t inflict much damage… then it would be a ‘murder one’ for no real good reason.

He quickly grabbed a transparent plastic cup which he shouldn’t have had because it was bad for the environment. But right now, it was good for spider research. He plopped the cup over the top of the spider as it tried to flee the crime scene.

The crime being committed at the scene? We didn’t know yet. The culprit? Also not sure. But the spider was now trapped under the cup. Unharmed… but locked up just in case it had evil intentions on its mind.

What should Lester do? Should he release this thing outside? If he did, it could easily get back into his house as it already had. Then, Lester would be back to square one. He took several pictures of the spider. He looked online, hoping to find its species. He searched and searched the internet… no luck. No images matched for this dark gray spider with green and purple iridescent colors shining under the light.

Lester poked tiny holes in the cup so the spider could breathe. Lester was no heathen. Lester was no spider killer… only if it meant protecting his loved ones. Lester just wished he could communicate with the spider. Tell the spider, “This is my house. I pay rent here. You can’t be here.” Maybe inform the spider, “I don’t want to hurt you, I only would if you tried to hurt me or San Juan. Please leave. Go elsewhere.” He also wanted to ask, “Do you intend any harm? Are you just looking for food? Do you actually like salsa?”

Lester had never heard of a salsa loving spider. Then again, Lester didn’t love salsa until the first time he tasted salsa. Once it first touched his tongue, he was in love. It is salsa, after all. Isn’t that how it happened with everyone? This spider was no different, apparently.

Oh, if Lester could only talk to this spider.

That was it!

Lester was a scientist! He had equipment at work… brilliant minds surrounding him… plenty of information and a brain with which to process that information… all at his disposal!

Lester just needed to create a machine… a mechanism… some type of tool in order to communicate with spiders!

Not only would this be perfect for this scenario… to find out this spider’s intentions… but it would be perfect for all future scenarios. No longer would spiders need to be killed as humans feared they may hurt them or their pets. Humans could find out if a spider was harmless… and they could leave it be. If the spider was harmful… then a stern warning could be issued. Not a threat… but a promise… a promise of death if the spider didn’t leave the domicile at once.

Again, Lester never wanted to hurt a soul. But he had to protect himself and San Juan. Countless other people must be in the same predicament. Lester decided he would do this… for everyone.

The sleepless nights began. Mechanical engineering books. Pages and pages about spiders. Learning about their inner workings. What made them tick? How did they communicate with one another? How did humans communicate with one another? Where, if any, were there any overlapping qualities? What kind of tool could be engineered to link these qualities?

Months passed. Salsa Spider, as he had been named, stayed in the cup with the holes in it. He received bread crumbs and cookie crumbs. He watched TV and movies on a WIDE screen TV… Lester’s phone. His own personal movie theater really. Lester researched his ass off.

More months passed. Lester met a woman. Sandy. A relationship formed. A relationship ended. Lester was ‘crazy’ and ‘obsessing over a stupid spider.’

Years passed. Lester lost friends. Family members talked to him less and less. Salsa Spider and Lester caught up on all the James Bond films. Lester continued to research. Another relationship began. Another relationship ended. Weirdly, that woman was named Sandy too.

More years passed. San Juan passed away. Salsa Spider still lived in the cup, ate bread crumbs, and watched movies. A new cat was adopted. San Juan 2. Lester neglected his pet-naming skills but he didn’t neglect his research.

Lester experimented. Lester created. Lester failed. Over and over, one failed tool after another. He became alienated at work. His colleagues thought he had ‘gone off the deep-end.’

More years passed. Lester’s research and experimentation continued. Lester posted a photo on social media of him, San Juan 2, and Salsa Spider dressed up as their favorite Bond villains. The photo got 2 Likes. One of the Likes was Salsa Spider’s social media account, which Lester controlled.

More years passed. Salsa Spider still lived in the cup. San Juan 2 passed away. Lester created another tool. Before he could test it out, he was fired. His employers said he had lost his mind, he wasn’t focused on work, he was a bad employee. The second and the third statement were true, Lester agreed. But he didn’t feel he had lost his mind yet. Not without having seen if this tool worked.

Lester was able to sneak the tool home in a bag as he was fired. No one even noticed. He brought the tool home… home… a place where he and a spider lived alone. A spider Lester feared. A spider Lester respected. A spider that had become the sole companion and sole reason of Lester’s miserable existence.

Lester took the tool out of the bag. He stood in front of Salsa Spider. He took a swig of beer to calm his nerves. He dipped a tortilla chip into his medium salsa and took a bite to calm his nerves even further. He breathed in deep. He exhaled. He held the tool out in front of Salsa Spider. He activated the tool.

Lester spoke into the tool.

“Spider. It is me, Lester. I need to ask you something. Do you wish to cause me harm? I do not wish to cause you harm, but I want to make sure you won’t hurt me. We can continue to coexist if you promise you won’t hurt me. Otherwise…”

“Hey!” Suddenly, the spider was shouting at Lester… his voice echoing through the tool! The tool worked! “I have had to listen to you talk for 41 years! And I am tired of listening to you talk! You are going to listen to me talk!”

Lester quieted. He waited for the spider to continue.

“You have been buying medium salsa for four decades!” The spider yelled. “When are you going to live a little?! I came into this sad house hoping for some hot salsa and you don’t even have the balls to venture past medium!”

Lester gasped. He was so taken aback, he inhaled sharply… a piece of tortilla chip that was still in his teeth shooting back into his throat and getting lodged there. He was choking! He couldn’t breathe! The chip was blocking his airway!

Lester panicked! He staggered around the kitchen. He managed to grab a drawer and rip it open.

Lester might not have much time left. He needed to act quickly!

He grabbed a piece of paper and pen. He began to write as quickly as he could.

Spiders like salsa. But they prefer hot salsa. Tell the worl

The pen dropped from Lester’s hand and fell to the floor. The lack of oxygen was preventing his muscle control. He couldn’t control his fingers and his hands enough to hold onto the pen any longer. He couldn’t even control his legs anymore. He still couldn’t breathe. He collapsed to the floor. He looked up at the cup with 41-year-old spider that preferred hot salsa inside.

Lester had made a monumental discovery. One that would likely shape the world for years to come. He had the proof. He had the data. He had written it down on a piece of notebook paper. It was official. As Lester’s consciousness slowly slipped away and the darkness began to creep in from all angles, Lester laid there with the paper on top of his chest.

Lester’s life wasn’t for nothing. He had helped the world. He may not see those changes take place, but he made a better world for generations to come. Human generations… and spider generations.

“And what kind of bread have you been buying, Lester?!” The spider screamed. “Is this white bread?! Your cheap ass can’t splurge for a rye or even a sourdough once in a while?! Would it kill you to purchase a honey wheat once in four decades?!”

Oh no. Spiders also like varieties in their breads. And I can’t tell the world…

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