Return Back to Love

It was a Tuesday when they met.

Alyssa and Pete, the all-American couple.

They met seven years ago when she was 21 and he was 25.

He was driving by in a hunter-green, old-school jeep.

She was on foot, walking her dog, with two of her girlfriends.

He drove by and was blown away when he laid eyes on Alyssa. So he circled back around the block, slowed down, and motioned for her to come over.

Alyssa slowly, shyly made her way over to the car. It was love at first sight. They went to the movies later that night and were glued at the hip from that point on.

Alyssa was definitely attracted to his lean build, massive chest, and broad shoulders. But it was his welcoming smile and pretty white teeth that really did it for her.

His olive-toned skin which glistened in the sun was only icing on the cake. And Pete wasn't just handsome, he was also charming. He laid the flattery and the compliments on pretty thick, and she was hooked.

Alyssa was pretty fit as well.

She was average height, but her long legs made her appear taller. She had mid-length brown hair and a shy, flirty smile. Her bronze skin nicely complemented Pete's olive tone.

Everyone that saw them together always mentioned how cute they were together.

So after seven dates and a lot of conversations (over the phone and in-person), they mutually decided to take it to the next level.

So she moved in with him after 7 dates and a whole lot of in-depth conversations.

It was bliss in the beginning. They had so much fun enjoying each other's company.

They both worked throughout the week, but they enjoyed eating dinner together in the evenings while watching their favorite TV shows. On weekends, they would go out to eat, hang out at their favorite jazz club, or just sit at home on the couch binge watching Netflix movies.

It was great...

Until it wasn't.

Eventually, the 7 dates turned to 7 years, the bliss turned to bland, and the passion turned to passive indifference.

Now they were like two ships passing in the night, with no set mission, no gps, and no direction...

Just existing.

Holding on to something that once was.

She wasn't really sure when it started or why.

Maybe it was when he took on that extra position at work, or after he started taking all those business trips, even on the weekends.

Or maybe it was when she put on those few extra pounds which had crept up to 35 extra pounds.

It seemed he just didn't look at her the same way.

Now here they were, after seven years, at a crossroads, trying to decide if it was even worth it anymore.

.......

Alyssa stood looking at her reflection in the full-length mirror. If she was honest, she didn't love the image she saw staring back at her.

Pete was away on yet another business trip, so she was taking advantage of this alone time to really analyze herself without Pete's prying eyes.

If she was brutally honest with herself, she had to admit that she was not at all happy with what she saw.

Between work and trying to balance the responsibilities of being a wife and maintaining a home, Alyssa had started to put her needs last.

Being a lawyer, she worked a lot, all the time, really. So instead of making home-cooked meals for herself and Pete, she often cut corners by heating up TV dinners.

And although she was a faithful member of her local gym, and paid the fees religiously, between work, overtime, cleaning, paying bills, and squeezing some time in for Pete, she was way too exhausted to even think about going to the gym.

And other areas were suffering as well. Their once hot and heavy, spicy sex life was a far cry from the glory days when they first got together.

Their motto of do it anytime and anywhere had now turned to let's see if we can schedule it in.

Yes, it was a far cry indeed.

When Alyssa thought about it, she became very depressed.

And now, as she stood in front of this full-length mirror, the weight of it all just became too much and the tears started flowing...

Slowly at first, and then, like a raging river.

Staring at her body only added to the misery.

It was another reminder that she wasn't happy, her life was out of balance, and her marriage was falling apart.

The 35 pounds she had put on was her mortal enemy. The unwanted flesh reared its ugly head in places it had no business being.

It attacked her whole body and settled into the once dainty, once delicate curves she once loved.

Her once svelte and slender physique would now be considered stocky and chunky.

The tiny, cinched waist for which she received so many compliments was now far from it.

And her tummy, which once bore sculpted abs, was now covered in mounds of jiggly flesh.

It was just all too much to bear.

The tears came down even harder.

In the back of her mind, she wondered...

How did I get here?

Could things get any worse?

Does Pete still love me?

How can we get things back the way they used to be?

Who am I really without him?

How do I get myself and my life back on track??

.........

The following morning Alyssa woke up with heavy eyelids and puffy eyes. Her eyes were red and irritated from crying all night.

Pete was back from his business trip.

That morning, when she entered the living room, Pete barely spoke a word to her.

After taking the time to consume a light breakfast consisting of a muffin and some blueberries, she chugged down her third cup of coffee and mustered up the strength to say, "Pete we need to talk."

"Talk? About what?" Pete replied, annoyed.

"About what? Seriously?" Alyssa's response reflected her frustration and the fact that she was losing her patience.

"Yeah, seriously."

"How about the fact that I barely see you, and we hardly ever talk anymore."

"Talking is overrated," Pete responded in a flat, dismissive tone.

"Overrated?!?!" Alyssa belted out. The dismissive indifference in which he spoke those words made Alyssa furious. The indifference was worse than anger. Because in her mind, indifference simply meant you no longer cared.

"Look, I just got back. I'm tired and drained. The flight was three hours long. I just need a little downtime right now...some time to destress," Pete replied, making eye contact so as to reassure her that he was serious. "Just give me a few hours, and we can talk over dinner this evening." "Deal?"

Alyssa reluctantly replied with a faint, "Deal." But she knew all too well the risk she was taking agreeing to talk later. With Pete's busy schedule, anything could come up at any given time. And she had the sneaking suspicion he liked it that way (just another reason to avoid her).

So Alyssa tried to be understanding and go on about the business of her day. She took a shower and washed her hair.

It was a Saturday, so there was no shortage of things to do. She needed to wash clothes, change the sheets on the bed, clean the bathrooms, and go grocery shopping.

It would definitely be a full day, but she looked forward to spending time with Pete and having a much needed talk with him in the evening.

After a few hours of downtime, Pete said he was going to meet up with friends for a few hours to catch up. Alyssa didn't mind because she had some running around to do as well.

After cleaning all morning, Alyssa hopped into the car to go grocery shopping. She had a detailed list and she was in and out.

As she hopped back into the car, she heard her phone beep signaling an incoming text message. Her heart dropped a little because she sensed it would be disappointing news. And as she clicked the message and read it aloud, her suspicions were confirmed.

Sorry, can't make it tonight. Carl got food poisoning and I had to drive him to the hospital.

"Hmmm...food poisoning," Alyssa spoke aloud to herself. "Ok, but he's a grown man, and no one else could take him...??"

It all seemed very random and didn't make sense to her. But she was used to it, unfortunately. And while she suspected Pete could be cheating (because there were just way too many coincidences) she didn't have any proof, and she couldn't bear to bring herself to believe that it could actually be true.

So, Alyssa sat in the car for a few minutes calming herself down and bracing herself for yet another lonely night even when Pete was in town. She clicked on the ignition and slowly drove off in a dust cloud of gloom and disappointment.

........

The next morning Alyssa woke up feeling focused and hopeful. Pete was already gone when she awakened, so she had time to linger in bed and take inventory of things.

Because she had so much time to herself the night before, she'd had a good amount of time to reflect and analyze where her life currently was and what changes she could make to improve it.

She also thought a lot about the current state of her relationship.

After spending most of the previous night crying and frustrated, she started brainstorming and came up with some ideas.

One of the things on her list was her commitment to losing thirty pounds. She knew she would have to start eating a healthier diet and commit to a regular gym schedule. It wouldn't be easy, but if she stayed focused she could do it.

She also wanted to cut back on her hours at work, get a cleaning lady to come in to help her to have more balance and free time, and she wanted her and Pete to begin couple's counseling. She was really hoping Pete would commit to cutting back on his hours as well.

........

Alyssa woke up and sprung out of bed. She felt great!

Three months had passed since she committed to a daily routine of treating herself better and making herself happier. And it was starting to pay off.

She took a quick glance in the mirror and couldn't help but notice the positive changes in her body.

She was down 15 pounds...and it showed. She was working with her old trainer and lifting weights again. She couldn't believe how strong and firm her legs looked, and how lifted her glutes were. Her skin was glowing too.

But it wasn't just her physical appearance. It was how she felt on the inside as well.

She was much more focused, centered, and balanced.

She had started taking more time for herself and doing more of the things she enjoyed--like taking walks in the evening and reading science fiction novels. She also started taking a cooking class on the weekend.

But the biggest change she had committed to was seeing a therapist on a weekly basis.

It wasn't really something that she thought she needed. As a matter of fact, she had only started going at the suggestion of her trainer. He thought it would be helpful for her to get clear about her relationship with food. She started off talking about food, but to her surprise, that conversation sparked conversations about other areas of her life, such as career satisfaction, and her relationship with Pete.

She was becoming so much more clear about who she was, how she wanted to spend her time, and what she wanted out of life going forward.

And things had started improving with Pete too. Three months ago when things started coming to a head in their relationship, he managed to carve out some time for them to have their much needed long talk.

It was late one evening. He had managed to avoid her throughout the week, putting off the talk for as long as he could. But this particular evening the rain was pouring down outside. And the loud, booming thunder and the bold, blinding lightning, made it impossible for him to leave.

She had him cornered him; it was the perfect time...

"Pete we need to talk," Alyssa said while staring intensely into Pete's eyes. She needed him to know how sincere she was.

Pete was wearing his earbuds. Probably trying to tune me out thought Alyssa.

Pete rolled his eyes and removed his earbuds. He sighed and responded with a clearly annoyed, "What?"

I said, "We need to talk."

"Talk about what?"

"The state of our relationship. Things are not good...things haven't been good for a long time and I'm afraid that if things keep going in this direction that_"

Pete cut her off, abruptly, mid-sentence. "Yeah I know, I feel it too."

Alyssa breathed a sigh of relief. After months of deflecting and avoiding, it meant everything to her just to hear him admit that there was a problem. "So where do we go from here...??"

Pete paused then looked down. He sighed again and replied, "I don't know."

"Well, I think we should try couples counseling. My co-worker and her husband started going and it's been going really_"

Once again, Pete cut her off.

"Couples counseling, seriously? You really think we're that bad off??" Pete replied sarcastically and chuckled at the thought. "Nope, that won't be happening. I'm not going to bear all my problems to some head shrink and have them analyze me and tell me what a horrible person I am."

Alyssa rolled her eyes indicating her aggravation. "Ok. I don't want to argue or fight with you, but we've got to do something. We need to get back to the way things used to be. We need to start spending more time together, and not just time, quality time. And I need you to cut back on your hours at work."

Pete responded sarcastically and laughed. "Cut back on my work hours?!?!" "You're kidding me, right!" Pete shook his head vigorously. "Yeah, I...I don't know about that." He glanced at Alyssa and could see her disappointment and frustration. "Ok, ok...maybe I could cut back on the business trips and we could start going out to dinner to talk a couple times a month." He wanted her to know he was trying.

Alyssa smiled and stared into his eyes. "That's a good start." She grabbed his hand and lightly squeezed it.

He squeezed her hand back and returned a half smile.

Alyssa felt calm and optimistic. She was glad that Pete had at least been open to the conversation. She was hopeful that things would get back to the way they used to be in the beginning and that they could get the love back.

.......

Another three months had passed, and things were looking up.

Alyssa had officially hit her 30 pound goal and was looking and feeling great.

Her counseling sessions had really been paying off as well. The sessions had been extremely eye-opening and she had experienced some major breakthroughs and clarity along the way.

Things were even going better in her relationship with Pete. While he still worked long hours, he had started spending more time with her. And he had even kept his promise to take her out on dates twice a month. He was also clearly more attracted to her, and their sex life was in a much better place. It was definitely an improvement.

Life was starting to come together.

She had even made up her mind that she would start taking courses toward getting her cosmetology license. As a little girl, Alyssa had always loved doing her sisters' hair and make-up when they played dress-up. It made her feel so happy and content. In her youth, she had hopes of becoming a cosmetologist and opening up her own salon. But her parents wanted her to go the academic route and to get a more traditional, safe job, one with more stability--even if it made her unhappy and miserable. Now all these years later, she was going to do what made her happy.

Yep, life was truly looking up. Major changes were happening, and her life was starting to go in a new direction, a direction that felt right and at home. Alyssa had longed for this for so many years, and things were finally going in her favor.

She was determined to continue to hold on to this newfound happiness no matter what.

She was taking control of her life and taking no prisoners.

Happiness was a non-negotiable.

She had come to this revelation in her last therapy session. This session had been a major breakthrough for her after going through an exercise where she had to go through a checklist of the things that made her happy. Afterward, when she read it back, her therapist had pointed out how the things she claimed to value didn't line up with her actual actions. This epiphany was huge, and Alyssa couldn't stop thinking about it for days after. Later that night, she made a list of all the changes she was determined to make.

At her next therapy session, Alyssa was so excited to share her list and to tell her therapist about the changes she wanted to make. When she got to the end of her list, her therapist was really surprised.

She looked at Alyssa in amazement and said, "Wow, you've come such a long way. But these are some major changes, especially the last one. It won't be easy implementing these changes. Are you sure about everything?"

Alyssa hesitated then replied, "No...but I'm sure about me." Then she smiled. It was an unsure smile at first which then broadened to reveal a surer, more confident one.

As Alyssa stepped into the elevator leading to the lobby after the session, she felt good but was still a little unsure about her future and the choices she needed to make.

As she exited the building, she was shocked to see a barn owl sitting on top of the streetlight. She couldn't recall ever having seen one up close...or ever, really. It was the strangest thing, it was like it was staring right at her. Hmmm...that's so weird she thought.

She continued to ponder the strangeness of it all on her way to the car. Then she remembered how her grandfather would always talk about how owls were a sign of wisdom and intuition. It was a sign. From that moment on she was sure. She knew exactly what she needed to do.

..........

Alyssa woke up the next morning in deep thought. Her mind was going a million miles a minute as she contemplated her life changes. Pete lay next to her. Her back was turned towards him. She lay very still so he wouldn't know she was awake so she had more time to process her thoughts.

...........

Later that night, Alyssa was in the process of getting ready for her date night with Pete.

She took her time in doing her hair and getting her make-up just right. Her precise application of her lipstick was truly a work of art. When she applied her mascara, she was so meticulous that she went through and stroked each and every lash individually. When she was done, she stood back feeling satisfied and fulfilled. Her make-up was flawless, and it brought her back to the fun times she had playing dress-up as a child.

..............

Later at the restaurant, Alyssa nervously played with her hair while keeping her head down and staring at the menu. She wanted to share the changes she was contemplating making with Pete. She hoped he would be understanding and supportive. Pete's head was down as well as he flipped the menu back and forth trying to figure out what he wanted to eat.

After the waitress came and took their orders, there was an awkward silence for about five minutes. Pete was always quiet. Alyssa usually did most of the talking, but because she had so much on her mind, she was distracted.

"So, how was your work week?" Alyssa managed to spark up some kind of conversation to fill the void of silence that surrounded the table.

"Well you know, work is work, same ole, same ole, another day another dollar," Pete replied in a relaxed tone.

Alyssa responded with a distracted, "Oh ok cool." She had been barely listening and wasn't really tuned in.

Pete picked up on this. "What's on your mind?" He knew Alyssa well enough to know when she had things on her mind.

Alyssa smiled and downplayed her lack of focus. "I'm good, just tired, long work week, I guess."

The two continued to go back and forth exchanging light, shallow conversation with no real depth.

When the food arrived, they dove in and all conversation ceased again. Alyssa was glad the waiter arrived when he did so she could have more time to think.

After dinner, the pair continued their shallow conversation.

"How was your food?" said Alyssa trying to look interested even though her mind was some place else.

"It was pretty good, a little spicy, but good for the most part."

"That's good," Alyssa replied somewhat flatly.

Pete, sensing she was a little down and not quite herself, said, "Whatdya say we check out that new science-fiction movie you've been dying to see?"

Alyssa, who had been looking down playing with her napkin, looked up nervously. "Yeah maybe," she responded in an unsure tone.

"Maybe?" "You've been talking about this movie for weeks," Pete stated surprisingly.

Alyssa abruptly shifted the conversation. "You know I've been seeing my therapist, right."

"Yeah, how's that going?"

"Well, it's a process, but I'm learning so much about myself." Alyssa was still looking down playing with her napkin.

Pete didn't say anything. He just nodded and continued to listen.

"You know, when I started this process of self-improvement, I never imagined things would go so well. I mean I'm really starting to feel like myself again." Alyssa glanced up to be sure he was listening. "You know...it's like...I've finally found myself again, and I'm determined to never lose me again. I even want to get my cosmetology license, and open up my own salon."

Pete looked surprised, and responded, "Really?" "That's awesome. I know that's something you've always wanted to do. You should go for it."

Now Alyssa was surprised and her face showed it. "Thanks Pete," she said in a cheerful tone.

"And I know I haven't been there for you like I should've been, and I'm honestly really sorry about that. I really want us to work, and I'm going to really try to do better," Pete stated in a sincere tone.

Alyssa could barely believe her ears. Pete was not a great communicator and was a man of few words. And while she could tell by his actions that he was making the effort to do better, for him to actually express it was huge. She smiled, stared deeply into his eyes, and grabbed his hand. Then she looked down again.

Still holding his hand, and still looking down, Alyssa hesitantly began speaking. "I want to thank you for that. I know that wasn't easy for you." Pete nodded in agreement. "You know, it's been a wild ride...seven years," Alyssa looked up to let Pete know how sincere she was. "Seven years of good and bad, ups and downs, and everything in-between." They both chuckled after she finished the last statement because they both knew it was true.

"Can I get you two any dessert?" The waiter's question jolted them both out of the trance they had been in. For a moment, they had both forgotten that they were in a crowded restaurant. They both responded in unison with a loud, "Nah." Then Pete chimed in with an emphatic, "I'm stuffed."

As the waiter walked off, Alyssa began again, choosing her words carefully, speaking in a slow, deliberate tone. "You don't know how long I've longed for you to say those words to me. So many nights, so many days, I've needed to hear that from you." Alyssa's voice cracked as tears streamed down her face.

"I know, I know, don't cry." Pete consoled her and wiped the tears from her eyes.

Alyssa tried to compose herself and pull herself together.

She looked down again and then raised her head with a pained look on her face. Still holding his hand, Alyssa began speaking as her voice continued to crack and quiver. "I love you...you know, I love you, right."

"Of course."

The tears were flowing more than ever now, like waterfalls. Alyssa continued, "You know, I'd do anything for you, but I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."

Pete listened compassionately, then began to look at Alyssa curiously. What does she have to be sorry about? Where was she going with this?

"Pete, I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Alyssa repeated through the tears. "I'm moving out." Alyssa abruptly got up to leave and started to walk away.

Pete was stunned and confused and grabbed Alyssa's hand. But she forcefully pulled away and hurried out of the restaurant. Pete hurriedly followed her, but by the time he exited the restaurant, she was gone.

........

Alyssa caught an Uber across the street from the restaurant. She made arrangements to spend the night at a girlfriend's house. She would talk with Pete in more depth after she had more time to gain her composure and get her head together.

She was a ball of emotions, and she wondered if she had done the right thing. All sorts of thoughts went through her mind.

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Seven years is a long time."

"He was really trying."

"Am I a fool to throw away seven years?"

But deep down inside, Alyssa knew she had made the right decision. She didn't know everything the future held, but she knew her happiness was non-negotiable.

It was time for her to get back to self...self-love...self-care...and self-worth. She was going to work on being all that she could be because after all, she was worth it.

And while she was a little sad about ending things with Pete, she couldn't wait to continue this journey back to self, back to Alyssa, back to the beginning, back to the way that things used to be--before life stepped in and became chaotic, before she lost herself in the chaos, and before she was bombarded with the demands of life and everyone else's expectations.

She was ready to begin this journey of self-discovery...ready to return back to love, self-love--the greatest love of all!