Push Push Shove

Sitting.. Breathing.. Stilling my mind.

How long has it been my noisy mind asks again? I peek at my watch .. 3 seconds?! That can't be. I settle back into my seat and start again. I feel the in flow and outflow of my breath expanding my belly and ribcage and emptying it again.

Sitting. Breathing. Stilling my mind.

A glowing sensation coming towards me, yes I like this image. Let's expand it and bring it closer. My mind obeys and I can tangibly feel the light growing and shining behind my closed eyelids. I can sense the heat touching my face, even though I know it's a cold grey spring morning. I feel it so vividly, and for a moment I feel a spark of joy that uplifts my spirit in such a way that a wave of chills crosses over my body. A sudden thud in my solar plexus and I feel as if I'm being pushed forward by an invisible yet very real force.

The next thing I know I am free falling into empty space and although a part of me is completely at a loss as to what is happening, I feel absolute peace and trust. Moments later I feel myself land in a space I can only describe as totally luminous and fully aware. I know my eyes are closed and yet I can see it all as clearly as a summer day. It doesn't feel like my imagination. Is This Real? Where am I?

I instantly hear an answer in my mind. You are Home.

When I hear this in my mind, I am suddenly hit with a massive wave of Love that washes over me. It is beyond anything I have ever felt. I am stunned by the Truth of it and as it fully dawns in my consciousness I feel like my Heart explodes into a million shards of light.

There is the sound of bells and chimes ringing, and I realise that it is the Universe laughing out in joy. I marvel at how easy this feeling is, how natural. I realise I have always been this, whatever this is.

God. Source. Creation. Love

What are you I ask inside myself.

Instantly the answer comes. I am you. You are me. We Are.

This answer brings in a flood of remembering. What I can only describe as recognition. A Knowing that I have always Known and with it all the many many experiences across the expanse of all time and space.. and somehow no time or space comes rushing in. A sense of being many beings in many places. Of loving and learning over and over and over again. More bells and chimes. More laughter bubbles up within me and outside of me all in one wave of the same knowing. It is so easy and pure, so natural it breaks down every last barrier within me.

I am stunned. I am empty. I am free.

Suddenly I am being pushed once again at what feels like the speed of light through what feels like all of eternity. It is mesmerising and yet completely familiar at the same time. I begin to feel a strange sense of being pushed into a smaller and smaller space which brings me out of my reverie and back with a thud into my body, sitting on the cushion, holding my prayer beads.

Sitting. Breathing. No mind

A river of tears pours forth as I realise in my human skin what has just happened. A wave of gratitude mixed with sadness moves through my being as I sit with the feelings that are flooding through me at lightning speed, slowing down with each breath as I return fully to where I sit.

I look down at the clock. 45 seconds have gone by. 45 seconds and an eternity. How on Earth will I ever explain this, my mind begins. I notice it and try to push back the thoughts and stay centred in the vastness I have just experienced. It's slipping away so fast.

Unable to hold the vast peace in my mind, I feel a throb of sadness. Waves of gratitude and sadness start to wash over me as I realise I am back here, in my life with all its messiness, trying to quiet my monkey mind.

Why? I ask.

I look up and see that a bird has just landed on my window sill. It's jumping around excitedly and singing. The sound of its song is like bells and chimes.