Pulse

Everything went black.

The whole room surrounding me, and everything in it, simply vanished.

Along with it, went my memory.

I could see nothing.

My only awareness was that I was absolutely terrified.

Just as quickly, I was overcome with the most god-awful pulsing sensation.

It was loud and ferocious, as if I were in a helicopter, spinning out of control in the unforgiving darkness of a moonless night. The only noise I can hear, the roaring sound of the wings and engine screaming their final cries.

Confusion filled me as I became very disoriented, I realized I had no Idea who I was, where I was, or even what I was.

My fear quickly increased as an incredible panic set in.

Pain. It seared through me, starting at what I could only recognize as the very core of my being. But what is my core? Because I felt hollow, like there was nothing of me there.

But the pain grew. And as it grew, I felt myself growing, drawing the outline of my form for the first time, like a road map to an uncharted, distant land.

The relentless pulsing continued.

The painful growing sensation still there, started shifting into intense sensations instead. It felt as though I were growing more rapidly.

It hit me.

I wasn't simply growing, I was being created.

Every part of my being, every molecule, atom, cell. I could feel it rushing from my core all the way to my fingertips, then all the way down to the tips of my toes. Every nerve, every drop of blood filling my veins, every single portion of skin, and every length of hair on my body, intricately growing from nothing into having form, having breath, having life.

I was alive.

I could feel the moisture on the palms of my hands, and a bead of sweat rolling down my forehead in the slowest speed that I could feel the way it tickled the tiny hairs as it rolled down my face.

The pulsing continued.

Pressure. I felt a massive pressure, it came with a sensation of being pushed. The intensity of the sounds and feelings combined were overwhelming. The pressure seemed to last forever. I cried out from the intensity of it all.

It hit me again...

I was being born.

Still the pulsing continued. I still didn't understand the whole concept of what was happening, it was all so fast but somehow felt like an eternity.

A new sensation hit, a very strong pleasurable feeling deep in my being, it made me gasp out loud. Then back to more pressure and pulsing. This cycle kept repeating between the pleasure, the pressure, and the pulsing until the awareness came that I was having an orgasm whilst also creating life. I realized then, the pressure was no longer from me being born, but me going through the process of making love then giving birth.

Still in complete darkness the pulsing continued. It moved in vibrations through my whole body. Suddenly I was gifted with an awareness of my identity. I was a person named August Peterson, and memories of my life came flooding in with it. Me as a child, playing with my favorite neighborhood friends, Joey, Angelina, and Tony. Getting up on the roof of old man Mr. Sanders roof of his storage shed like we were on top of the empire state building. Until he would catch us of course, and chase us down with a broom.

Memories of me as a teenager living in a small town in the mountains driving home late after work, and hitting an elk in a short nose van which caused the brake peddal to slam back into my ankle, breaking the bone. And having to wait for dad to go find the elk to pull his ivory teeth before we drove an hour to the closest hospital. Growing up chopping wood for our wood burning stove, going hunting, exploring the outdoors. Remembering my dad was a Baptist Pastor and I was raised homeschooled from second grade on because they didn't like the books I was bringing home from the public school library.

All the way to getting married to who I thought was my night in shining armor. I remembered I give birth to two beautiful girls within a couple years of eachother, and how they were my world.

Darkeness hit my world again along with that dreadful WHOOSHING pulse. As soon as those memories came they were gone and replaced with complete fear and dread as I had the awareness hit that I was no longer alive, and in fact I was in hell. The reality hit me with a deep sorrow, for somehow I had also just realized that my actions through life would also eventually lead my children to hell. I scrame out in horror "Please God no!" but I knew it didn't matter, it was too late, my fate was sealed. Hell wasn't fire and brimstone, it was being stuck in reliving the cycle of your life and ending up having to face the demons of your choices, over, and over, and over again for an eternity. "OH MY GOD" I cried out begging for some kind of relief...

Then everything went black.

The whole room surrounding me, and everything in it simp-

"That's good enough August" a voice said "It's time to wake back up, You're safe now."

August slowly opened her eyes, she could feel the lines of tears that had streamed down her face and collected on her neck. She sat up slowly and grabbed some tissues "Thank you Dr. Chen." The Doctor closed her laptop and set it on the table beside her chair. "Tell me, was this time any different for you? Less intense maybe?" August took a deep breath and then sighed "Not really." Dr. Chen scooted the tissues closer to August. "Don't be discouraged, this nightmare is haunting you for a reason, not because you're a bad person or because you or any future children you have are going to hell. You were traumatized with these fear based beliefs from a very young age, we just need to help you process them and reprogram healthier beliefs in place, you're going to get through this." She reached out and gently squeezed her hand.

August had been diagnosed with PTSD and Acute anxiety, along with a couple other disorders, depression, and BPD several years ago. She has since been trying to find treatments that help her with the symptoms, the worst being her night terrors. She has had the same recurring nightmare for the last few years and it has messed with every aspect of her life to where she struggles to function on a normal basis.

She was raised in a Christian religion, but always struggled to fully give herself to the belief, some of their concepts just didn't feel right to her. Like being taught you are not supposed to marry someone of a different race or the same sex, and even if you are a good person your whole life, if you do not believe that exact Bible, you will be sent to a fiery pitt of hell for eternity. That would mean most of her friends and family, her Great Grandma who she cherished and was a wonderful woman. She tried to make it fit, but it just never could sit right with her. There were just too many holes and unanswered questions. And when she would seek answers by her leaders, they would all just indirectly lead her back to specific Bible passages that weren't relevant or were unspecific, and would tell her to have faith. Her family followed in that faith so easily. She didn't understand why she couldn't too. Was she cursed?

August wasn't a bad person, she had made mistakes, but she knew that was part of being human. As an adult she moved to Salt Lake City Utah where she held a job at a grocery store as a cashier, she had been cashiering since she was 17, it was comfortable to her. She was still best friends with Joey and Angelina (whom everyone called Angel). Joey was a computer programmer, while Angel worked at a local hair salon.

August went through a few years of not speaking with her parents, because they did not approve of her wayward path in life. But had been speaking with them more recently seeing as they were not seeming so extreme. She was nervous though because she had not yet let them know she was dating a black woman named Zoei, although they did know that she was dating someone, as they invited them for this years thanksgiving dinner.

She met Zoei one rainy day on the bus. She happened to look up, and there across the bus was Zoei making direct eye contact. She blushed as she looked away. "Was she looking at me on purpose, or did we just glance at the same time?" she wondered. So she dared another glance, and there they were, those beautiful brown eyes staring right at her, a beautiful smile to match she noted. They both just stood there eyes locked for a long moment, both with flushed cheeks and bashful smiles. She wanted to go over and talk to her but couldn't find the courage. "Ok, if she gets off on my stop I will say something." they were three stops away, she anxiously counted down each one, ocassionally stealing one more glance her way.

When her stop came she couldn't help to look over and watch to see if the girl who gave her such butterflies was preparing to exit. To her delight she saw her grabbing her umbrella from her bag. "Oh I should pull mine out too." she remembered. As they and a few other people got off the bus she opened her umbrella, grateful she brought it as it was starting to really pour. She debated if she had the courage to actually go and talk to her, I mean what would she even say? After all, this would be the first time she ever approached another woman in such a manor. Sure she has seen attractive women before, but never had she actually been with one. It was a scary thought to her, and she still had those deeply burried engrained beliefs in her from childhood, so a part of her felt guilty for even having the thought.

Just then she saw an opportunity, for Zoei's umbrella seemed to be stuck closed and she was becoming soaked. Without a second thought August ran over right next to her and covered her with her umbrella. "Mines big enough for two." she said.

They have been dating ever since, and it is now coming up to there one year anniversary. August wants to do something special for Zoei, but is struggling to figure out what. Because Zoei has been her rock through all her mental health struggles this last year, she is even the one who encouraged her to start seeing Dr. Chen to start working through her traumas.

A few weeks before their anniversary it was time for Zoei's yearly physical, August agreed to take her as it was on her way to work, and Zoei's car was in the shop. She dropped her off with a kiss and went to work. On her way home that afternoon she stopped at the pharmacy and grabbed her refills for her anti-depressants and anxiety meds. While in line she planned out what she wanted to do for their anniversary. She debated on taking her to a fancy resturant but ultimately decided she instead would go to the grocery store and buy ingredients to cook Zoei her favorite meal, Louisiana style sausage gumbo (Louisiana was Zoei's home town until she moved here four years ago to be closer to her grandma who would soon be passing).

They didn't live together, but August felt their anniversary would be the perfect night to ask Zoei to move in. She spent the next days planning and trying to make everything perfect for that upcoming night's dinner. She wasn't a baker by any means, in fact take out was her go-to. But she wanted Zoei to know how much she meant to her, so she found a recipie for a delicious looking cheesecake, another of Zoei's favorites. The night before the anniversary she whipped it up, doing her best to make it look as much like the picture as possible. It was obvious it was home-made though. August also bought silver and pink ballons (yes, her favorite colors), and a pricey bottle of champagne. She even went and bought her a beautiful silver necklace with a petite little lily dangling on it, her favorite flower of course. This anniversary was going to be amazing.

Zoei agreed to stay the night, the night of the anniversary. And when she arrived after work, was blown away at what August had done to the house. A vase of beautiful fresh lilies sit in the center of the small dining table, where there sat a delicious smelling meal. There were fairy lights strung about so the ambience was a perfectly dim lit room. There were rose pettals spread over the table and chairs, and along the floor, and soft music playing in the background.

They sat and ate and laughed as they enjoyed the champagne and cheesecake. Zoei made sure to let her know that she loved the home-made touch, and was way happier than if they had gone out somewhere.

It was after dessert that August presented her with her nicely wrapped gift. "I love you Zo, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I'd really love it if you'd give me the blessing of moving in with me." she said pulling her hair to the side, giving her neck a soft kiss, and then placing the silver chain around it.

Zoei went silent and dead still. As if it hadn't already been beating fast enough, August's heart started to race, a sick feeling in her gut. "If you aren't ready Zo it's oka-" before she could finish Zoei stood up and turned to face her, "It's not that." she said looking down to the floor. "I had an abnormal pap smear and they did a biopsy." Zoei hesitated for a second then finished "She called me back yesterday, I'm sick August."

To be continued...