“Precipice into the Abyss”

Sadness permeates my soul , I think I cannot go on for another moment, the gun is on the table next to me with two bullets waiting to be loaded into the open chamber. All the things my success has wrought surround me, my estate on the water, the cars, I can hear the horses slightly in the distance in their pens, my yacht swaying back and forth hits the moorings in a rhythmic fashion, seemingly in sync with my racing heart.

I am wealthy in every material thing of this world, but my spirit is bereft of Joy, it’s as empty as I am alone in this castle of my own making, now wishing it was smaller, closer to people instead of the miles of privacy that I paid for that now finds me completely alone.

The gun, still new and untried shines almost like a child’s toy. I’m sweating now as I pick it up and load one bullet into the chamber, and put it to my temple with the safety on and pressed it hard against my head while the classical music played in the background and the flames from the gigantic fireplace seemed to dance in time with the music.

My only friends here now are my things, everyone knows my name because of my seeming success which , I was taught and told , would bring me happiness beyond measure. It has not. I am alone, me and a gun and a sadness that is indescribable in it’s overwhelming weight upon my very being, I would pay or do anything to escape it, and have tried, but it lingers still, growing stronger in the darkness.

Rain starts to fall against the window now, as I pick up the gun for the last time and turn off its safety. I look at the clock, and it reads 9:50 pm. Suddenly a single memory falls like a feather through the tar like blackness of my misery, the rain reminds me of an earlier time, when I sat on the porch and laughed with my friends and family, a time before I had what I thought all people wanted, which to me meant having it all.

But in that memory I had none of these things yet I was happy, laughing and just yearning with passion for more life. Why now can I not regain that happiness, I cannot buy it, have I sold my passion for life for a lifetime of gathering things ? I thought what a mighty cost for this perceived success I have paid. As my memory of that day long ago, when the promise of life lived inside me still, I remember the door to the porch creaking as it was opened and as I turned my head I saw, in seemingly slow motion my Mother’s smile as she was greeted by everyone and she caught my eye and winked at me as she often did as she brought drinks to my friends. She came over to me, leaned over and gently whispered in my ear “ I’m so proud of you son, and the way you share your own unique light inside you with others, look at all these friends you have, they grow happier when they are around you, they can see what I’ve always seen in you, your amazing ability to share your joy by just being yourself, it’s a priceless gift that God gave to you, more than all the other things people value in life, you guard and nurture that Joy and light and your life will always be full of love, laughter, friends, family. and abundance”

She gently kissed my forehead as a tear of her own joy for her son slowly rolled down her cheek.

I suddenly was wrenched from that memory back into the present and saw in the reflection of the window that I was still the young man sitting on that porch so long ago, but now with a loaded gun pressed to my temple, cocked and ready to fire. My trigger finger was shaking and all of a sudden there was a loud knock at my door with two familiar voices shouting my name, it startled me and I dropped the gun in horror realizing how close I was to sending others who loved me into a state of constant lifelong grief and sorrow.

The gun fired as it hit the floor and the bullet went straight into the fireplace.

I heard the sound of breaking glass in the foyer and through the doorway I saw my older brother and sister burst into the great room as I was standing and holding the still smoking gun, which I then quickly slid under the closest chair.

And then the world moved in slow motion again, as they came towards me they were sobbing, but I had felt a lightness in my spirit that was not at all appropriate for the moment, but filled me up just the same, they grabbed me and hugged me and said “ We thought we heard a gunshot, are you ok?” Not willing to admit or explain what just happened I said it must of been thunder from the storm.

They looked at me through tear soaked eyes and said “ We have some realy bad news, Mom passed away tonight” Tears then welled up in my eyes too, although I felt the light inside me filling up at the same time, causing my grief to mixed with an odd sense of joy.

I asked when did she pass away, and they said “at the hospital tonight after she collapsed, as we held her hand and with two Dr.s by her side, she momentarily regained consciousness and smiled and she said your name, then slowly her eyes slowed and she passed away, The Dr. wrote down the time of death, which was exactly 9:50 pm. tonight”

I thought about that for a moment and realized that the clock read 9:50 pm as that memory that took me away from my grisly task and at that moment put my mothers words in my younger selfs ears.

And as we talked and my siblings left because the hour grew late and there was much to do tomorrow. I kissed them both and closed the door, and I knew what happened, I fell to my knees and thanked God for my Mother and her love, and thanked my Mother who was with me still as she certainly was looking down upon me form above, for this one last everlasting gift.

The reminder that my light may have dimmed but was never extinguished and now, on my knees, my spirit was truly on filled up withjoy again. I knew when I looked into the cavernous depths of my soul and saw nothing but darkness, my Mother knew where my lights embers were burning still, and she took me too them in one last act of a Mother’s love that shall live within me for the rest of my days.

John Walter Raney 1st