Planetary FM

"Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say. Me and the boys here decided to change that. So, listen up you lonely space cadets and weary galactic travelers. Are you missing the interconnectedness of your globalized worlds? With a galaxy so far and wide, vast, and versatile, we here at Planetary FM wish to provide you a way to connect with others of all shapes, sizes, and races. Are you the queen of your hive from Planet Beldvorf? How about a Kreatin from Muscularia seeking a good work out tune? Perhaps you are a pious monk from Godland or a river rodent from Streamsville. Even if you are a traveling barbarian from the realm of Thokstan, we've got a song for you.

This message is sponsored by Planet Earth who found our musical tastes so disdainful...I mean delightful that they happily supplied our contract to the intergalactic world, and yes, you're welcome!

Today, we'll be rolling out the top twenty hits for your journey across the stars!

Starting our countdown is a tribute to the reason we've ventured into the galaxy in the first place, introducing a hit by the one, the only: Beastie Boys! Please feel free to applause because though you may hear us in the vacuum of space, we most certainly cannot hear you! That is why our intergalactic station is the only station without a single customer complaint; and also because we are the only intergalactic station!"

1. "Intergalactic" by Beastie Boys

"I hope you enjoyed that inspiring song as much as the rest of us here at Planetary FM. We have just one more song before we begin our talk portion of our live show. In my Earth days as a young adolescent, I fell in love with a band called My Chemical Romance, and just eleven short years ago they released this beauty: "Planetary (Go!)", which also gave me the name for this radio station. Please enjoy, and do not be surprised if you develop a new crush in the process!"

2. "Planetary (Go!)" by My Chemical Romance

"And we're back. Would anybody like some fun facts about the frontman, Gerard Way, from our prior song? I can gush about those details all day...anybody? Okay, okay. I'm getting a look from Hans here that says that topic is a no-go. So, do we have any fan, caller, or guest questions? We do? Oh, yes, Hans read them off."

"Hey, Space Cowboy, how do you know your broadcast is actually reaching people if they can't send you feedback?"

"That's uh...because...well...hmm...because we know, okay. Now uh, let's go to a commercial break!"

*Beeeeeeeeep*

"Maurice, I hate to break it to you, but we don't have any galactic advertisements. No one has been paying us to host their products."

"Well then...anyone wishing to advertise products may feel free to contact us at 867-5309, I repeat, dial 867-5309. Speaking of 867-5309, Jenny, it is time for pop hour; please turn the table for our dear listeners!"

"As you wish, Space Cowboy!"

3. "E.T." by Katy Perry

4. "Alien" by Brittany Spears

5. "Venus" by Bananarama

"Thank you, Jenny. It's always a good time working with you! Now, it's time to dial things down a bit. Put on your sentimental airs, and prepare for a couple of space classics coming right up."

6. "Rocket Man" by Elton John

7. "Space Oddity" by David Bowie

"Ah, those two always bring a tear to my eyes. Such works of art and masterpieces of their time!"

"Excuse me, Space Cowboy, but shouldn't we spice things up a bit. It's just after lunch in most places, and our listeners may need something with a bit more energy to get them through the afternoon."

"Ah, right you are Hans. I've got a hit I think they'll enjoy. Press play my dear lad or else you'll be flying solo."

"Hahahaha! Hans, solo? Do you remember the time he got drunk at the after work party and snuggled up next to that tentacled Octopimus from Szidsordorlge, and murmured that being surrounded by so many arms made him feel less lonely? I hardly think Hans here could ever fly anywhere solo!"

"At least I don't have to advertise my phone number in the bathroom stall, Jenny!"

"Alright you two knock it off and play some music for our listeners. I've heard enough of your squabbling!"

"Yes, Maurice..."

8. "Space Invader" by Ace Frehley

"That should shake our listeners up a bit! Now, all your talk about romance got me thinking. There is a special lovely lady I've been thinking about lately, and I just want her to know how suave and debonair I truly am; so suave in fact, that the nurses at the hospital named me after this famous Steve Miller Band song. Without further ado, I present to you myself on air and yes, I do have the featured mask for any extracurricular activities."

"Ew!"

"Jenny and Hans, no one asked for your opinion now get back to work!"

"Sigh. Such a narcissist."

"What was that? Ugh. Nevermind. Just play the song!"

9. "The Joker" by Steve Miller Band

"Coming up is another song I find romantic, even though it is written about the artist's beloved mother. I find it has many applications, and reminds me of the one who got away. Ah! Leah! You were always too good for me."

10. "Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)" by Train

"Speaking of Leah, I'm feeling a little hot. Is anybody else in here feeling a little warm? Jenny? Hans?"

"We're more than a little toasty. You never did get that air conditioner fixed did you?"

"We have fans."

"At least for cooling the building; not so much when it comes to supporting your station."

"Alright, before our tempers flare any further, let's use them as inspiration for the biggest star we have out here: the sun. That should keep people listening!"

11. "Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles

12. "Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth

13. "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden

14. "Champagne Supernova" by Oasis

"Now that we've heated you up dear listeners, we'd love to cool you down and take you to "The Dark Side of the Moon" with us for a moment. We hope you find your new destination pleasurable."

15. "Eclipse" by Pink Floyd

16. "Man on the Moon" by R.E.M.

"Maurice, will you quit mooning our listeners? It's no wonder we don't know whether or not anyone is listening to us! They probably change the channel: if they have a choice!"

"You seem to think for some reason they have a choice in the void of space. You draw some interesting conclusions, Hans. The point is, we don't want them to feel alone, and loneliness is far too quiet. Need I remind you of the after work office party Jenny brought up earlier?"

"No, no, I get it. If someone is listening, I'm sure they'd rather not hear THAT story again! I'm sure they'd prefer silence at this point!"

"What an excellent idea Hans. I'm glad I thought of it. A classic tune from Iron Maiden is coming right up!"

"What?! Oh, no. You only hear what you want, don't you?"

"Silence."

17. "Out of the Silent Planet" by Iron Maiden

"Okay, Jenny, Hans, It's time to go to the phone lines to see if we can catch any space traffic."

"I bet they'd rather be swallowed by a black hole than listen to your station, let alone give you a call."

"What a terrific suggestion! We'll play one more song while we wait on our next caller."

"That would be our only caller."

18. "Black Hole" by We Came As Romans

"It seems we have a guest ladies and gentlemen! Who could it be? All the way from an abandoned galaxy far far away, at the center of the vacuum in space, from the Garbled Serpentine race, I bring to you: Mr. Malfozo! Let's give him a warm round of applause."

"When I get my handsss on whomever isss running thisss radio ssstation, I'm going to ssstrangle and ssslaughter you! I've been trapped at the cccenter of ssspace for monthsss with no waysss to turn your ssstupid, ssstation off."

"And there you have it folks, proof that our station does actually reach people!"

"Along with your first negative review there, Cowboy, with a threat to boot! You can't claim top spot in the galactic world now."

"First of all, what am I paying you for Hans? And second of all, that does not impact our title because as I mentioned we are the ONLY music station in space! Now, let’s get back to our guest caller!"

"Mauriccce, isssss it? I'm ssseven light years away from your ssspace ssstation. At the ssspeeeeds I've dissscovered on my new navigation sssyssstem, I'll be ssseeing you sssooon; around ssseven hundred hoursss to be exaccct. I'm sssearching for more dissssssatisssssfied lissstenersss."

"Wow, folks; It looks like we have a golden opportunity for a real life alien abduction in the making! Stay tuned to our station! This is exciting!"

19. "Sail" by AWOLNATION

"You ssseem to be under the impressssssion that we are abducting you: You sssee thisss isss sssimply not true. You are missstaken. Sssadly, you have angered usss galactical beingsss ssso much that we are ssstamping you as "return to sssender" after we take out our aggressssssionsss on you. Your Earth sssponssser sssent you to usss, now we are sssending you back."

"What, no! I don't want to go back! They won't take me!"

"I asssure you they will."

"Hey Space Cowboy, there is a knock at the station. A horde of bee looking type creatures is asking for you, followed by all sorts of different creatures. At the front of the pack looks like our guest caller, Mr. Malfozo. Wow! We've never had so many visitors at our station before!"

"Send them back Jenny! Hans, barricade the doors! They want to send me back!"

"And pummel you to a pulp!"

"Hans stop your sniggering and help me get out of here!"

"There is no essscape. I hope you've enjoyed your ssstay. Now it'sss time for your punissshment. Allow usss to ground you for your misssbehavior."

*Crash! Boom! Thud! Ka-blam!*

"Ouch! Yipe! Oof! Argh! Guys! Somebody help me! Jenny! Hans!"

"Sorry boss, we'd just like some peace and quiet around here, but we'll at least turn on your last hit for your trip home. Bon voyage!"

20. "Gravity" by Papa Roach and Maria Brink

"He was such a pig."

"You know it! Cheers! Thanks, Malfozo, Queenie, and the rest of the gang. Maybe now we'll finally get a little peace and quiet around here!"

"Wait a minute! Do you hear that?"

"Oh, no! What is that infernal racket?!"

"It's his planetary playlist on repeat! Noooo!"

"Ugh. There isss no essscape!"