Pazza di amore

Diane is sitting on the couch leafing through a magazine. She is holding a glass of wine and is barely paying attention to the pages. Elio enters.

(A SILENCE.)

ELIO:

Hey...

DIANE:

Hi.

(Elio slowly enters and takes off his coat)

DIANE:

Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you.

ELIO:

I was out for a walk after work. I just wanted a clear head.

DIANE:

Cleared from what E?

ELIO:

Let’s not start this, I’ve just got home.

DIANE:

You’re always either just getting home or just going out!

ELIO:

I don’t know what you’re on about! We work together, so it’s not like you don’t see me all day long!

DIANE:

Yeah. Ok. Where were you tonight then?

ELIO:

Oh God, I told you I went out for a walk.

DIANE:

Fine.

(pause. Diane puts down the magazine)

What do you want to eat?

ELIO:

I’m not hungry. I had some pizza earlier.

DIANE:

Great.

(Irritated, she gets up and walks to the kitchen and starts looking for something to prepare for herself. Elio remains on the couch)

ELIO:

Di..

DIANE:

Thanks.. Just, THANKS. Thanks for letting me know.

ELIO:

You told me to “leave you the hell alone” Di!

DIANE:

Yeah, I meant at work. I think you’ve embarrassed me enough, I don’t want you to ruin my reputation there too.

ELIO:

I haven’t done anything to your reputation, there or anywhere for that matter! You’re always jumping to conclusions, you’re always getting upset, and for what?

DIANE:

(comes back into the room angrily holding a knife she was using to chop vegetables.)

Are you telling me I’m crazy?! It’s all in my head?

ELIO:

I’m not telling you anything! This is the point! You’re all ready to kill me and I’ve said nothing about your mental state!

DIANE:

WELL, I WILL KILL YOU BECAUSE I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

ELIO:

Ah! Dio! Tu sei pazza! Ogni volta che non siamo insieme fai la pazza! I can’t have half a second to myself without your accusations! I’m..

DIANE:

DON’T! You stay to English!

ELIO:

I speak in whatever language! I speak whatever language because you don’t listen anyway! No matter the language! Or even more, you have already created the story in your head that you just keep playing again and again in your head! Just waiting for me to arrive so you can finally act it out! Diane! I am tired, why’re you doing like this?

DIANE:

I don’t do anything. It’s you. ALWAYS you!

ELIO:

You’re so French.

DIANE:

Excuse me...

ELIO:

Always rebelling against whatever is!

DIANE:

Don’t say like that to me!

ELIO:

What? That you’re French? Does it make you feel rebellious? Are you Colombian now?

DIANE:

Don’t speak so condescendingly to me you asshole! Just because I am sitting at home waiting for you to come back does not mean I have created a story that I play again in my head. But it is impossible not to wonder what is going on when you disappear! And the longer you’re gone, and not to mention the more times you do this, the more skeptical I’ll become when you do finally arrive! And it’s incredible how you insult my culture like this!

ELIO:

Incredible! I just want to come home to peace! To see you happy I am home!

(He walks towards her and puts his arms around her while she is cooking trying to sweetly calm her down. Intimately he grazes her neck with his lips)

Matteo is gone tonight.

DIANE:

Well, I wish he were here.

ELIO:

Could be fun if he was here, but right now it is just you and me. Let’s not fight.

DIANE:

(Slowly turns and intimately puts her arms around his shoulders.)

Ok, my babe, let us not fight.

(she comes closer as though she will kiss him)

You know what I have been thinking about all day? And dreaming about doing since I left work?

ELIO:

Tell me.

DIANE:

Coming home. Taking off my clothes and getting into something.. comfortable.

ELIO:

You must.

DIANE:

Taking a glass of wine to drink...

(She reaches over and takes the glass of wine)

Relaxing at home. Waiting for you to come back. So we can have... A nice... hot.. steaming

(She gets close to kiss him)

SLICE OF FUCKING PIZZA!

(she throws the wine in his face. Elio is completely baffled. Diane then picks up the pan that she was sautéing vegetables and throws it across the room toward him. She throws off the apron and storms angrily towards the door putting on her coat and grabbing her bag.)

ELIO:

Diana!

DIANE:

Don’t worry Elio! I’m just going for a fucking walk!

(She slams the door leaving Elio alone in the kitchen.)

Elio:

Pazza!