Outside.

“Well, heck.” Said my over tired brain. Exhausted, I was outside with both palms pressed against the dirtied, white plastic front door of his house. My forehead resting on the cold surface and my eyes closed, I was shut out.

I hadn’t had a moment to look at the time after my ever so light and fractured sleep was disturbed by the sound of angry voices booming from the back of his tiny flat. I had been slumped in one of those love seat sofa chairs for about three hours, wishing to be asleep, wishing to be anywhere but there. Not the most uncomfortable three hours I’ve ever had, but just as unpleasant as my trips to these premises usually were. Within a few moments of coming round and rubbing my sleepy eyes I was up and being shoved around, I was being told to leave, just go. “What? Why?” I thought, in my naivety, why would I have to go now? I had thought it was the middle of the night, maybe I was wrong (as it would appear I usually was in this kind of circumstance). And only a few hours before, he had asked me to be there, repeatedly, until he was blue in the face. He had constructed a story, which I later found was a lie, and he had sobbed and cried on the phone for hours, convincing me that I absolutely had to go and see him. I was the only thing that could fix him … apparently.

Lets talk about manipulation another time.

I hardly made any noise or said any words and in three or four strides he had removed me from the sofa and placed me outside with a rather large shove and an accidental elbow to the face.

There wasn’t room for shock, I didn’t let myself pause for a moment to pretend I didn’t know what was going on. I knew what was going on. The sky was pink and orange and the sun was just about to poke his head above the hill that was visible from where I was standing so I assumed it was the early hours of Tuesday morning. I stared through the spindly branches of the trees which lined the garden at the early morning sky, and I thought “That’s pretty”. I didn’t notice the frost hanging onto the overgrown nettles and over turned bbq which was a few feet away from me, I stopped breathing for a moment, but finally I took a breath and started to evaluate my situation.

My breath froze as my breathing got heavier and heavier. I looked around calmly and slowly, hoping no one had seen the brief altercation in which I landed me outside in men’s boxers and an oversized hoodie with no shoes on. Damn, that’s cold, I suddenly felt the sting of ice under my feet, the freezing heat seared through my skin and hit the bone, I had to move. I tried the door handle in some sort of pathetic attempt to convince myself that I didn’t just hear the definite click of a lock, a sound which seemed to represent ultimate misery. It was the head hanging, eyes closing, mind racing moment in which my brain said “well, heck”.

I backed away from the door and let my bare foot find the ice-cold ground, the frost crunched and my face screwed up at the feeling. As I turned, I saw a curtain twitch from across the road. They could see me; they could always see me. I wondered again why no one ever came to help me.

I turned on the spot as I made the decision to try the back door and I reached the corner of the house quickly. I heard the voices again when it was already too late. I took one step into the back garden and instantly retracted, I saw a gathering of people wearing dark clothes and dirty trainers, their heads turned as I gasped and forced my body to reverse. It was a drug deal. I ran instantly back to where I came from, the ally way which only a few seconds ago felt short, seemed to go on forever and my heart was suddenly about to fall out from inside me. I didn’t pause at the front door, I kept going. I skidded around the front of the house, my toes searing with pain on the frozen paving slabs, and I lost my footing as I tumbled onto the grass. I knew I needed to get out of sight. I scrambled, arms and legs everywhere, to get under the windowsill which led onto the living room inside. If I could get under there he wouldn’t see me.

I crouched on the ground, in an overgrown flower bed. I saw the neighbours curtain move again and thought “you wimp”. In the three seconds that it had taken me to get here I had heard movement inside the house, doors slamming and some raised voice. My head was banging and my chest was tight, I couldn’t think about my next move. All I could think was that if I get in any trouble here, I’ve only got boys pants on! It was a mortifying thought. I couldn’t run in this state because I’d freeze, and my keys and clothes were inside the smoke filled, drug infested, house that I’d just been thrown out of. While it was a blessing to be out of the house, I couldn’t get away like this. Besides, what would happen after that? I’d end up right back there somehow anyway.

I only had a few seconds to look at the cigarette buts and broken bottles that surrounded me, which had obviously been thrown out of the window, when I heard the door open around the corner. I froze, I stopped breathing, and I shut my eyes. Here we go.

Silence.

“Yeah, she’s gone mate.” Said the voice which I had dreaded hearing. I put my hand over my mouth to stop the whimper of fear which was bubbling inside me from escaping. I kept my eyes shut. “It’s okay.” He said. Then my head turned and my eyes opened to see him looking at me, but he was calm. “She can go.” He finished. He was talking to me and his friend at the same time, he was telling me to go. Tears streamed from my eyes with conflicting feelings forcing their way into my mind. This man, this terrible man, was so awful to me, but did he love me? He doesn’t want me hurt, or involved, or caught up in all of this. He had done this before, he had saved me from the treacherous life that he found himself tangled up in, and he had kept me away from it all. He’s a controlling and manipulative man, on his own terms. He won’t let anyone else touch me, so he’s telling me to go.

We locked eyes. His eyes are saying GO. And my eyes are saying THANK YOU. I questioned how I could be so grateful to this monster, but I was. These were the moments that ties us together. These moments bonded us in torture, and this is why I couldn’t escape. And then he said “She’ll be back anyway” and a sinister, devilish smile crept into the corner of his mouth. He winked, his nasty wink and he walked back into the house. I thought, “You twat”.

He still had me. I can run now, but will I ever be free? My answer was … probably not.

I relaxed into the icy ground in a moment of relief and I let my breath escape from my tight chest. I could still hear mumbling from inside as I wiped my eyes with the dirty hoodie that he had given me to wear some hours before. Then the window above my head opened and my body tightened up again. No no no no NO I thought. I thought I could go! He said I could leave, I thought he was saving me from all this! Then a bunch of keys landed a few feet away from me on the grass. Oh my god, my keys! He had thrown my keys out of the window. He meant what he said, he wanted me gone, he didn’t want me hurt. So, without a second to lose, I heaved myself up, snatched my keys and ran.

I told myself I would never go back. We’ll see.