One Foot out the Door

I walk into the room mid conversation and there’s no recognition that I am there, a usual response to my arrival, but tonight it can be blamed on the music and the people that serve as more of a distraction than good company. I shrink past the crowd in the kitchen to the solo cups waiting to be filled with anything strong enough to empty you of emotions so well you’ll be convinced that you can feel again. I am drunk, I am high, and there was mention of Molly, but Hannah went upstairs with Brian 20 minutes ago and she’s the one who bought it off of her brother's roommates. I wonder if they already took it. Someone should warn them that sex on molly just creates an unrealistic expectation for how deeply you’ve bonded with the person, practically the birth right of a toxic relationship. I fill my cup to the brim and lift my head. I’m surrounded by strangers, less like the people you don’t know, and more like the familiar one you no longer recognize. I make eye contact with a girl I had biology class with in high school and I quickly look back down at my cup. After standing against the counter, trying to find my sober mind in an addicts body, I decide to refill my drink and step outside.

I pull my pack out from my ripped jeans and swat at my pockets for a lighter. Nothing. It must be in my jacket that’s upstairs in Nikki’s room. I lift my head and make eye contact with a girl in a tight electric blue dress that just so happens to be smoking a cigarette.

“Hey!” I shout over

“can I borrow your light?”

“Yeah, of course!” She shouts back

I speed walk over, my strides turning into lunges.

“Thanks.” I say as I reach my hand out.

“Yeah don’t mention it,” she says while looking me up and down, “ You look really familiar”

“Well, I don’t think I know you, I’m really good with faces and I definitely don’t recognize yours.” I assure her.

“But it’s nice to meet you, I’m Avery.” I say as I hand back her lighter.

“Alexa, you’re tripping, you do not know her, the shrooms must be kicking in.” Her friend utters from the back of their group.

“Shut up David, I could know her if I wanted to.” She argues back while slurring her words.

“ I guess I don’t know you, my mistake.”

“But hey,” she steps closer, “ if you know anyone with more shrooms, let me know about it.” She winks.

“I can ask my friend Hannah, she always has stuff on her.” I tell her.

Her and her friends all start talking at once until finally I hear in the midst of the chaos, “Do you know anyone with coke?”

“I’m actually not friends with many people here, I know them, but not well enough to be asking for stuff like that.” I eventually answer.

“You don’t have to be friends with them to be offered drugs, it can be strictly business.” Alexa says as she stumbles over nothing.

“I have way too much anxiety for that, but I’ll keep that in mind for future parties, maybe the ones where no one recognizes me.” I tell her as I rub the back of my neck.

“You got over your anxiety to ask me for something.” She responds with a smirk

“You’re a complete stranger. There is no history between us, no half remembered memories of all the versions of myself that I once was, the versions that I really want to forget. You have no idea who I am, and I like it that way.” I express to her in a more serious tone than intended.

“Well, I’m not a stranger anymore, we’ve been introduced, so I know you now.” She replies with more of a gentle smile than a smirk.

If only it were that easy, I think to myself.

“Hey! Avery!” I hear a voice shouting from the doorway of the house.

I turn my head to see Hannah waving her arm. Look, another person who thinks they know me. I start to walk towards her.