Silence in Nature

The view from the top of the world leaves you feeling like you're the only one in it. Miles of untouched land that you can’t see come to an end, but you know it does. Surrounded by the echoes of bird calls or the rustling of leaves, there’s never any silence in nature. Just soft background sounds that leave the air feeling still. Being serenaded by the birds and the trees feels as good of a goodbye as any, but still something is missing.

I hold my arms out to my sides and feel the wind get caught on the edges of my shirt. I can't tell if I'm floating on air or an adrenaline rush, but either way it feels a lot like satisfaction. The only thing on my mind is how easy it was before. Thinking it's really just the repetition of self discipline that creates any positive change, but I have these moments where nothing matters, in the most beautiful way possible, and I get lost in the possibilities of rebellion. Maybe I've been confusing rebellion with addiction, but either way it's an aesthetic I think I wear well.

Clearly it's the lack of desire for change that's been preventing any consistency and yet I still consciously choose to continue the only thing I want to stop. I get caught in this routine of relaxed authority and my standards reflect an expectation of the bare minimum. I can't remember a time I’ve ever expected greatness. I guess it could be as simple as, the more you focus on the problems the more it persists, but lately I don't have anything else to focus on. My life feels like it's at a stand still, forgetting that action precedes results just the same as it does motivation. Part of me has grown a fear of hesitation. A fear of indecision, as if I have the time to waste. I suppose now I have all the time in the world.

The sun starts to set as I watch the clouds collect over the horizon. I watch as different shapes start to mold into objects. Reminds me of the time we found floating hearts in the sky as we were driving home from Blue Rang. I didn’t think I’d think of you, I didn't want to think of you. The pink begins to melt into the orange and a darker purple arises to soon claim the sky. I wonder what love will exist when it's over, if there will be any at all.

I walk to the very edge, just before it drops off, and I sit down. I feel the blood drain from my arms and legs and my stomach gets light. I can't get myself to look over and somehow I'm supposed to jump. I wonder how far the drop is. I wonder if anyone will even find me. There's a trail adjacent to the stream that's just below me. I used to walk my dog Astra there the summer before we met. There's a waterfall about half a mile upstream where I used to sit and listen to the water crash while the sun created shadows that laced across the landscape. That was the last time I felt like life was manageable.

I stand up, take a deep breath, and walk right over the edge. I’ve never experienced free fall before, I imagined I’d be able to feel my weight, but I hardly felt anything at all. Without any thought I start to scream, low and muffled, almost like a groan. I fight the urge to flail as my legs begin to rise higher than my waist. This was it. I watch as the ground grows closer and closer. I notice I’m about halfway down. I close my eyes and feel the tears start to build as my throat grows heavy. My breathing becomes rapid as I realize I don’t want to die. I open my eyes right before I hit the ground and everything goes silent.

I can feel the bed beneath my back. I pull the blankets up right to my chin and open my eyes. 4:02am. My toes are cold and my body feels stiff from laying in the same position for too long. I turn to the other side and there you are. Your hair is blocking the left half of your face, but it's you. I think about waking you and then I think about jumping. Am I in heaven or was I dreaming? I gently caress the side of your cheek; I thought I’d lost you.