No home to go to

Alive, no matter what it passed through, the wanderer went, tired but steady.

He faced one of the most difficult challenges in his hard life, not yes understanding if he had won or lost.

His fragility has been the best company throughout this exhausting journey thru himself, his insecurities, doubts, achievements and failures.

He kept thinking to himself "somewhere I belong" and with the thought, he persevered in his travel even if he wanted to abandon it sooner rather than later. He didn't think he was strong enough to pursue it until the end.

That old narrative of his that so strongly tied him to his companion, "I want you to stay", that crucial scene kept reoccurring in his weary mind, wasting his energy with frustration and remorse.

It hurt him so much, more than it should, and he continued in remanding himself the fault he didn't have, being his innocence his biggest sin. He couldn't comprehend why someone could harm someone else so easily and without a good reason.

Every little thing he met charmed his brain as a mirage to those who are lost in the desert, so as soon as he met that fascinating way of doing in his new companion he felt a magnetizing strength that pulled him toward the other, convincing him that he could never do something wrong nor bad.

Not even the starry sky he was under could distract him from those unhealthy thoughts and make him realize he was the one on the right side.

He felt he was the only culprit of what had happened to him when his only real fault was being too good and giving his pure trust to someone that didn't deserve it.

Neither the gleam of that bright night could disrupt his reasonings from the events that just came by and derailed his entire existence even though they were solely a tiny part of his still developing history.

The "need you now" mantra that was tattooed on his life was more burning than the heat of a desert, but he didn't want to admit to himself that that was wrong, that it was the worst thing to believe.

He used the remembrance of his mistakes not to learn from them, but to tear him down, like records of distant memories that played before his eyes over and over again, filling his heart with pain, discouragement, and emptiness.

They gave him reassurance, because of the little, miserable comfort given by the panic, as we often don't want to feel good because feeling good will hurt us more when then we will feel worse.

He wanted to survive in the same comfort that he felt sitting in Rapsfält, a golden field of rapeseed where his fellow traveller decide to part his way from him, tearing down the ivory tower he build on top of the beliefs that they never would be separated. And only because he grew so affectionate to that man and built his entire life on the other's shoulders, not expecting that maybe that was too much.

He didn't stop to think that maybe for his fellow that never met such affection from anyone, neither his family, it was too much to take in and then decided to part their ways with all the respect and kindness possible as he was too old to make that brilliant guy erect all of his lifespan on his weak heart and mind.

He so very hoped to not hurt that young brilliant man with the decisions that he had taken for the good of them both.

That was when our friend's solacement was abruptly ended and silence invaded the sunset and spread like a pandemic into the poor man's emptied life.

Inspired by the Going home mix featured on the ChilloutDeer channel.